Claiming the Katana

Birds of a feather don’t flock together because birds of a feather tend to be jealous of that feather.

V. Shnodgrate, Renowned PL Poet

Untitled“Hehaha!” Salami laughed triumphantly.

And he jumped up on a stool for added height. Daddy Salami isn’t too tall, you know. And the stool didn’t add too much to his height. It was a 3-inch stool, if that.

Salami scowled and became decidedly more cranky.

The stool had betrayed him, see.

“Ya cur-belly!” he shouted from his perch. “Ya think ya won? Ya just lost!” And then he belted forth in a strained voice: “Ya just lost evvvvvvvvvverything!

The professor really wished he hadn’t said that. After all, we were the ones that lost. Well, sorta. Must always keep in the warrior frame of mind, see.

Warrior Frame of Mind:

How are we? Solid.

Chance of success? 100%.

What to fear? Nothing.

I am the reaper.

See. Double-see. And a triple-see, just to make sure you saw.

King Arthur shook his head.

“You think you won?” he asked. “Yeah, no. Not even close.”

Arthur strode further into the room, his regal cape flapping in the breeze behind him.

There was no breeze since we were in a castle. But any time a cape is described in writing, there’s always a breeze, I find. So, I added one for kicks, giggles, and whatnot.

Arthur stopped inches from Ruber Salami.

The ant had met the bear. That was the size difference anyway.

See what I mean? You can't even see the ant.

See what I mean? You can’t even see the ant.

“I’ll enjoy seeing you suffer,” Arthur said.

“Me?” Ruber asked, aghast. “It was his plan.” Ruber stuck a thumb out in Salami’s direction. “Why come and pick on me? And, look, there’s PVJ, too!”

“Ruber,” I said, “don’t bring me up. I’d rather not be brought up; I’d rather not be here; I’d rather just not be–at this special moment.”

Arthur looked at me with a scowl and shook his head.

Then to his soldiers: “Off to the dungeons with them.”

“Didn’t ya hear me?” Salami screamed, frantic from his perch. “I’ve won, cur-face!”

Arthur spun. “Really? You think that by saying that you’re going to win?” He sighed.

And that’s when it happened: Salami propelled himself from his perch, towards the katana. He scooped it up and tossed it to his son. Ruber grabbed it but was immediately torpedo-ed (new word) by Arthur. The katana hit the ground.

This professor scooped it up; the soldiers charged in, and the battle begin.

I traded thrust for thrust, slash for slash. Their broadswords and this professor’s katana lit up the night sky.

Figuratively speaking.

Like this.

Like this.

Ruber and Salami were also fighting.

Somehow this professor ended up fighting Arthur. The king was holding a katana–it looked exactly like the Jeweled Katana, in fact, save for one significant characteristic: It was way smaller, to fit a person of Arthur’s size.

But still.

Why make a copy of the sword?

We traded blows.

Crack!

Arthur’s katana split in half.

He stepped back, and this professor made towards the exit.

Like an giant anteater running from a jaguar.

Only I don't have a tail like that.

Only I don’t have a tail like that.

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140 Responses to “Claiming the Katana”


  1. 1 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister March 5, 2016 at 06:30

    Yes, Shnodgrate, has it. What does the V stand for, Duketh? Have I forgotten? I’m often envious of feathers, but I’m fairly good at admitting it up front, which makes the flocking so much easier.

    Sorry, yes, wonderful news about the katana. Well done, Sir. Hold on tight this time.

    • 2 Professor VJ Duke March 7, 2016 at 20:45

      That would make the flocking way easier, I think. I’m not jealous of feathers either. I hate feather pillows, as a matter of fact. *rampages* Hmm…was it Victor? I quite forget too, you know.

      I think you want me to lose it.

      • 3 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister March 8, 2016 at 18:39

        You hate pillows. I’ve seen what you do to them, Duketh. *giggles* Might have been, probably is. A good name. No, I don’t want you to lose it unless it’s to me. I came out a battle beautifully. Beware. Haha

      • 4 Professor VJ Duke March 9, 2016 at 14:41

        You have? What do I do to them? *cuts them up*

        You want to thieve my katana!

      • 5 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister March 9, 2016 at 16:31

        Yes, exactly. *watches* Something like that, I believe.
        No, but I don’t want you to have your katana either, Sir. *laughs *

      • 6 Professor VJ Duke March 10, 2016 at 13:59

        Whyever not, tho?

      • 7 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister March 22, 2016 at 13:38

        More fun that way, I suppose

      • 8 Professor VJ Duke March 22, 2016 at 14:36

        I’m like…naked without it!

      • 9 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister March 22, 2016 at 15:11

        *tosses you a robe*

      • 10 Professor VJ Duke March 23, 2016 at 13:49

        Is it red?

      • 11 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister March 24, 2016 at 04:47

        What if it isn’t?

      • 12 Professor VJ Duke March 24, 2016 at 13:54

        That means there’s no blood on it.

      • 13 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister March 28, 2016 at 04:24

        Ooo, and that can’t be good, can it?

      • 14 Professor VJ Duke March 28, 2016 at 14:17

        Well, I suppose it could be. Bet you like it that way!

      • 15 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister March 30, 2016 at 02:33

        Well I do prefer no blood, but if I admit to that we have nothing to have speaks about.

      • 16 Professor VJ Duke March 30, 2016 at 13:14

        Nothing? Surely that’s not true.

      • 17 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister March 31, 2016 at 01:01

        Okay, you’re probably right.

  2. 18 L. Marie March 4, 2016 at 15:42

    Well fought! Now if only you can hold on to the katana. At least you have that steel baton and your other katana. Hope you’re prepared to face the wrath of Daddy Salami and King Arthur.

    • 19 Professor VJ Duke March 7, 2016 at 20:34

      I think I should be. At least, I think so. Of course, if either of them have a mortar. Now that’d be a thing.

  3. 20 Simply Skeptical March 4, 2016 at 11:49

    Well the anteaters tail is sorda his cape flapping in the breeze. With jeweled Katana in had run…….BUT just what shall you do if you get away??

    • 21 Simply Skeptical March 4, 2016 at 11:50

      that is jeweled Katana in “hand” not “had”! Oh, puff…..

    • 22 Professor VJ Duke March 4, 2016 at 15:29

      I shall hop onto a flying balloon. What do they call them? I can’t think of it, the sudden. A big one, you know…

  4. 23 John W. Howell March 3, 2016 at 23:17

    It was inevitable that the Katana came back to you. Now don’t drop it.

    • 24 Professor VJ Duke March 4, 2016 at 15:29

      I shall try not to. Hey, maybe you could watch after it for me?

      • 25 John W. Howell March 4, 2016 at 17:48

        Be happy to watch it.

      • 26 Professor VJ Duke March 7, 2016 at 20:38

        Don’t lose it now.

      • 27 John W. Howell March 8, 2016 at 01:48

        I put it in a safe place under my bed. Oops

      • 28 Professor VJ Duke March 9, 2016 at 14:29

        Yeah, way to announce it to the whole world, dadblameit!

      • 29 John W. Howell March 9, 2016 at 21:35

        Yeah, I’ll move it to a safer place in the backyard .Oops again.

      • 30 Professor VJ Duke March 10, 2016 at 14:04

        *laughs* We’re finished, you know.

      • 31 John W. Howell March 10, 2016 at 20:29

        I can’t seem to keep my mouth shut. Here take this letter it tells you where it is.

      • 32 Professor VJ Duke March 11, 2016 at 14:06

        *grabs the letter* I shall be diligent.

      • 33 John W. Howell March 11, 2016 at 20:22

        Put it in the freezer. Oops.

      • 34 Professor VJ Duke March 14, 2016 at 14:06

        Humph noodles. I shall put it in the cabinet under the sink. Gah! Done what you’ve looked!

      • 35 John W. Howell March 14, 2016 at 14:08

        It is catchy.

      • 36 Professor VJ Duke March 14, 2016 at 14:13

        We’re ruined now. Won’t be able to hide our pirate treasure when we find it.

  5. 37 Debbie March 3, 2016 at 18:44

    Your fight lit up the sky like aurora borealis? Way cool, Professor! I’ve always wanted to see that.

    The Warrior Frame of Mind is worth framing! Have to remember that, now that spring is right around the corner (and I’m sure the snakes will be back in my yard!!)

    That’s one hideous anteater, I’m thinking. Big Black Bear is much cuter!

    • 38 Professor VJ Duke March 4, 2016 at 15:27

      Me too. I think I’d sit under it and have a few drinks of water or something. You know, celebrate.

      *Laughs* But the snakes are no match for you! Just chant: “I’m the reaper.” When you go for them. Or have Dalls go get them!

      That’s ugly to you? Very cute, I thought.

  6. 39 walt walker March 3, 2016 at 17:56

    I do like that bit about the warrior frame of mind. That’s helpful.

    • 40 Professor VJ Duke March 4, 2016 at 15:25

      You must practice, Walt. For when DH shows up.

  7. 41 FictionFan March 3, 2016 at 17:38

    Why make a copy of the sword indeed? Intriguing…

    • 42 Professor VJ Duke March 4, 2016 at 15:25

      He must have some wicked little plan, the brute. I say, you should ask him about it.

      • 43 FictionFan March 4, 2016 at 18:30

        Me? That’d make me be like a spy, then… *excited*

      • 44 Professor VJ Duke March 7, 2016 at 20:40

        Yes, yes exactly! You’ll be paid handsomely for all the info you get, too.

      • 45 FictionFan March 7, 2016 at 23:12

        I will? Paid with what? *waits for videos*

      • 46 Professor VJ Duke March 9, 2016 at 14:24

        I’m so slow, huh?

      • 47 FictionFan March 9, 2016 at 18:29

        *nods kindly*

      • 48 Professor VJ Duke March 10, 2016 at 14:00

        You can’t nod kindly about such a thing!

      • 49 FictionFan March 10, 2016 at 19:15

        Can! *does*

      • 50 Professor VJ Duke March 11, 2016 at 14:03

        Hmm. Well, I can’t. *kicks the carpet, since no dirt inside*

      • 51 FictionFan March 11, 2016 at 16:57

        Goodness, don’t be so lazy! Go outside and kick it!

        (I feel the need to point out that it’s Friday, and yet… *taps both feet impatiently*)

      • 52 Professor VJ Duke March 14, 2016 at 14:01

        *laughs* Vids don’t come out on Friday!! We just filmed it. And now I’m exhausted.

      • 53 FictionFan March 14, 2016 at 17:52

        Yes, I’ve noticed!!!!!!!! Poor Prof! Have a 5-minute rest and then get on with the editing… *taps foot so impatiently that a small earthquake is started*

      • 54 Professor VJ Duke March 15, 2016 at 13:12

        *laughs* I hope it doesn’t spread over to here. I’ve got to wait for Nick.

      • 55 FictionFan March 15, 2016 at 17:07

        Well, tell Nick to get a move on, or the wrath of the FEF shall be visited upon him forthwith…

      • 56 Professor VJ Duke March 17, 2016 at 02:56

        That’s enough to scare anyone, don’t you know.

  8. 57 progbeawr831 March 3, 2016 at 17:21

    KEEP The Katana, I need something to butter my toast!

    • 58 Professor VJ Duke March 4, 2016 at 15:25

      Now here’s a thing…you butter toast with a katana? You, sir, must be a fantastic warrior.

      • 59 progbeawr831 March 4, 2016 at 17:52

        Not a warrior, not even a Capricorn, just weird : )

      • 60 Professor VJ Duke March 7, 2016 at 20:39

        *Laughs* You sound just like me. I shall train you in the warrior code, tho!

      • 61 progbeawr831 March 8, 2016 at 01:32

        Ahhhhhhh Exxxxcellent O’ Wise One. Grasshopper will learn quickly and well the ways of the peanut and burrito.

      • 62 Professor VJ Duke March 9, 2016 at 14:27

        I need to relearn the ways of the burrito after what Chipolte did.

      • 63 progbeawr831 March 9, 2016 at 17:33

        GRRRRRR!!!!! Damn Chipotle! Cursed Him and his little hot dog too! I will porple the zingle and channel my inner Olaf and go forth to the mountains of Quasi Crackers to get the sacred Sword of Beans! Let’s go!

      • 64 Professor VJ Duke March 10, 2016 at 14:00

        *laughing lots* Hey, I’m up for that adventure. Let’s get five burritos first, tho.

      • 65 progbeawr831 March 10, 2016 at 17:28

        SOLD!

      • 66 Professor VJ Duke March 11, 2016 at 14:01

        You get 2 I get 3.

      • 67 progbeawr831 March 11, 2016 at 18:03

        I’m good with those odds

      • 68 Professor VJ Duke March 14, 2016 at 14:04

        Well, then, let’s eat!

      • 69 progbeawr831 March 14, 2016 at 19:23

        SAWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET!!!!!!!!!

      • 70 Professor VJ Duke March 15, 2016 at 13:15

        I thought you might dig.

      • 71 progbeawr831 March 15, 2016 at 17:09

        Oh yeah! I am down with that faster than….. well, hehe, ……… Yeah let’s go get some burritos!

      • 72 Professor VJ Duke March 17, 2016 at 02:57

        And then let’s watch a Pirate game.

      • 73 progbeawr831 March 17, 2016 at 03:11

        okiedokies

      • 74 Professor VJ Duke March 18, 2016 at 14:27

        Haha. The perfect word.

      • 75 progbeawr831 March 10, 2016 at 17:28

        I like them there french fried tatoes

      • 76 Professor VJ Duke March 11, 2016 at 14:02

        I love fried tatoes! Yum. Yum.

  9. 77 masgautsen March 3, 2016 at 17:02

    Oooooo I hope you can keep the katana

    • 78 Professor VJ Duke March 4, 2016 at 15:24

      Me too! I’ve got a knack for losing it, don’t I?

      • 79 masgautsen March 4, 2016 at 15:36

        You sure do!

      • 80 Professor VJ Duke March 7, 2016 at 20:33

        This is dadblamery I Tell you

  10. 81 PorterGirl March 3, 2016 at 16:33

    I say, DS can send that stool my way. I would be very grateful of three inches, I tell you.
    The warrior frame of mind is fabulous. I shall try to adopt it myself, especially when faced with whales or dragons. Nice.
    Another fight! Brilliant. I love a fight. The Dean would be so delighted. I shall tell him all about it. That fleeing anteater is a super fellow.

    • 82 Professor VJ Duke March 4, 2016 at 15:24

      Well, three inches isn’t that much, tho, is it?

      Definitely when faced with dragons. Whales tend to be sweeter, don’t they?

      I think if I was an animal I’d be that anteater, see. We should invite the Dean over.

      • 83 PorterGirl March 4, 2016 at 17:40

        When it comes to me, every inch counts, you know.
        They are gentler, you’re right. Probably tastier too. I wish I had a mouth as big as a whale’s.
        Oh yes do! He would love that to many deaths.

      • 84 Professor VJ Duke March 7, 2016 at 20:38

        As big as a whale? But see, how would you like to be a blue whale? They’re toothless, see. Can’t each much except little shrimpy things.

      • 85 PorterGirl March 7, 2016 at 21:06

        Yes, but a LOT of shrimpy things. Which are actually a bit ming. So maybe I will kick out all the teeth of a shark and steal them. Then – let the feasting begin!

      • 86 Professor VJ Duke March 9, 2016 at 14:23

        A bit ming? What’s a ming? *laughs* Steal the sharks’ jaws! I dig it!!

      • 87 PorterGirl March 9, 2016 at 14:29

        *laughing so much some wee comes out* Ming! Like, ‘minging’. If a thing is minging it is nasty, horrible and ick. If a thing is ming it is the same thing. See, you learnt a thing.

      • 88 Professor VJ Duke March 9, 2016 at 14:46

        Ohhhhhhhhhhh. So, then, the professor is a ming? Could we say that?

      • 89 PorterGirl March 9, 2016 at 14:52

        No no no – the professor is not a ming. And it’s ‘a ming’ just ‘ming’. You are the opposite of ming which is… mang? Maybe. *laughs* ‘The Professor is a ming’ sounds like some graffiti.

      • 90 Professor VJ Duke March 10, 2016 at 13:56

        Graffiti is cool, though. Hmm. Let me have thinks here. I’ve never thought myself a mang before, see.

      • 91 PorterGirl March 10, 2016 at 14:24

        I sort of invented mang. But ming is definitely a thing.

      • 92 Professor VJ Duke March 11, 2016 at 13:57

        Well, then, I’ll be a mang just because.

      • 93 PorterGirl March 13, 2016 at 10:23

        King of the Mang!

      • 94 Professor VJ Duke March 14, 2016 at 14:09

        Haha! Now for a crown.

  11. 95 Heartafire March 3, 2016 at 16:17

    laughs out loud. I don’t think I like ant eaters.

    • 96 Professor VJ Duke March 4, 2016 at 15:18

      But whyever not?

      • 97 Heartafire March 4, 2016 at 16:49

        Well, look at him!

      • 98 Professor VJ Duke March 7, 2016 at 20:35

        He’s cute!

      • 99 Heartafire March 7, 2016 at 20:56

        so cute, what was I thinking.

      • 100 Professor VJ Duke March 9, 2016 at 14:21

        I think you got momentarily scared of him.

      • 101 Heartafire March 9, 2016 at 14:26

        I did, I really did!

      • 102 Professor VJ Duke March 9, 2016 at 14:45

        *evil professor eye*

      • 103 Heartafire March 9, 2016 at 14:49

        evil Holly eye back.

      • 104 Professor VJ Duke March 10, 2016 at 13:53

        that’s scared me now.

      • 105 Heartafire March 10, 2016 at 21:10

        Don’t be afraid. ;)

      • 106 Professor VJ Duke March 11, 2016 at 14:07

        Of course the professor isn’t afraid! Why…of course not!

      • 107 Heartafire March 11, 2016 at 17:21

        Of course not! I know that!:)

      • 108 Professor VJ Duke March 14, 2016 at 14:04

        *professor eye*

      • 109 Heartafire March 14, 2016 at 14:56

        Raises brow .

      • 110 Professor VJ Duke March 15, 2016 at 13:10

        Both of them?

      • 111 Heartafire March 15, 2016 at 13:49

        Haha! Visual !

      • 112 Professor VJ Duke March 17, 2016 at 02:47

        Hahaha.

      • 113 Heartafire March 15, 2016 at 18:22

        where are my emo’s when I need them!

      • 114 Professor VJ Duke March 17, 2016 at 02:58

        Stole them, I fear.

      • 115 Heartafire March 17, 2016 at 12:54

        Should have guessed. give them up you already have yours.

      • 116 Professor VJ Duke March 18, 2016 at 14:31

        What will you give me for them?

      • 117 Heartafire March 18, 2016 at 15:48

        a box of snickerdoodles.

      • 118 Professor VJ Duke March 22, 2016 at 14:28

        Oooo…that sounds tasty!

      • 119 Heartafire March 22, 2016 at 14:33

        so good, sugar, cinnamon, yummy!

      • 120 Professor VJ Duke March 22, 2016 at 14:37

        And carrots!

  12. 121 Susan P March 3, 2016 at 15:49

    Well, that went well.

    • 122 Professor VJ Duke March 4, 2016 at 15:18

      Lucky, huh?

      • 123 Susan P March 4, 2016 at 15:48

        Something like that. I thought I saw Mary Poppin fly by.

      • 124 Professor VJ Duke March 7, 2016 at 20:34

        Shoot her down!

      • 125 Susan P March 8, 2016 at 18:24

        That won’t end well.

      • 126 Professor VJ Duke March 9, 2016 at 14:39

        Things are always unsmooth for this professor.

      • 127 Susan P March 9, 2016 at 15:28

        You might consider a less stressed path. Soon or later it will leave you with nothing but swan feathers.

      • 128 Professor VJ Duke March 10, 2016 at 13:57

        Aren’t swan feathers expensive, tho?

      • 129 Susan P March 10, 2016 at 14:20

        Can’t you just pluck them off on the run? I mean you can move pretty quickly.

      • 130 Professor VJ Duke March 11, 2016 at 13:55

        I can try. But what if it doesn’t work?

      • 131 Susan P March 11, 2016 at 14:21

        My best guess is that you will learn to swim quickly.

      • 132 Professor VJ Duke March 14, 2016 at 13:51

        Or get eaten by the sharks.

      • 133 Susan P March 14, 2016 at 13:59

        Green sharks.

      • 134 Professor VJ Duke March 14, 2016 at 14:11

        Are they big small or medium?

      • 135 Susan P March 14, 2016 at 18:08

        Depends on how old they are.

      • 136 Professor VJ Duke March 15, 2016 at 13:14

        10 years.

      • 137 Susan P March 15, 2016 at 14:25

        Kind of tough at that age.

      • 138 Professor VJ Duke March 17, 2016 at 02:49

        And probably sweeter.

      • 139 Susan P April 3, 2016 at 00:34

        Try it and see.

      • 140 Professor VJ Duke April 3, 2016 at 20:53

        Oh no. I’m too scared to do that.


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