Faked by a Fake

Every disbelief is a belief.

V. Shnodgrate, Renowned PL Poet

UntitledSo, out of King Arthur’s castle this professor went–with the katana.

Yay. Victory. I’d won. Time to celebrate.

But I didn’t, of course. Celebrating is really something that’s not good to do. See, when you start celebrating someone usually shows up and shows you why you shouldn’t be celebrating.

Therefore, celebrate in name only. #HistoryLesson

Okay, so it was dark out.

Night, even.

Well, it was night.

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Like this, only the Dinosaur Comet wasn’t coming.

Pretty soon–sooner than a bee making honey–this professor was lost amongst the buildings, shacks, and condos that made up the town or village around the castle.

(I don’t think there were condos, but I couldn’t think of another word for ‘shack’ or ‘building.’)

Now, this was thing: The professor had the Jeweled Katana.

What to do?

Well, it’d be nice to return home. That was the thing, see. Returning home is always nice.

But how to get across the big ocean very fastly fast? The professor had never been a good swimmer, see.

This fellow could do it.

This fellow could do it.

As the professor was thinking all these things, I ran into a chap I hadn’t seen in centuries. Well, not that long, but such a long time you wouldn’t believe.

Mr. Magi.

He still dressed the same: Short black cape, top hat, cane with a bobble thingy at the top, shiny black shoes.

And his black mustache seemed twitched up a few notches in terror.

“Young man,” he said, looking from me to the naked sword I was carrying.

(Naked sword = no scabbard.) 

“That sword–“

“Katana, you mean,” I interrupted.

“Yes, yes whatever.”

I did have a good point. It was a katana not a sword, I’d decided.

“That sword,” he tried again.

In truth, this is true: I was going to interrupt him again. But I figured it’d just set the whole conversation back. And we really had to get on. After all, the king was sorta after me. So I let him continue.

“It is wanted by practically everyone in TPL!”

“Don’t I know it,” I replied. “Why, this professor has nearly lost his toes on a few occasions.”

Mr. Magi raised his eyebrow–left one–at that.

Then he said something quite shocking: “Give me the sword. It must be returned to its rightful owner.”

“But we can’t do that, the sudden,” I said. “See, here’s the thing: Prince Beef was going to give the katana to Fats Henry if Henry stole the Diamond of Drake. Since this professor is so upright and smooth, I decided I better thieve the katana in order to stop the thieving of the Diamond of Drake.”

“Flawed thinking there, young man. Flawed thinking. Why does he want the Diamond of Drake?”

“For a wedding ring for Gertrude. But anyways and some, you can’t return it to the Beef, see. It will only cause more thieving. Sometimes you must be immoral to stop greater immorality.”

Mr. Magi shook his head. “Your logic is flawed. One, I must return it. Two, I’ll talk to Fats Henry and make sure he doesn’t steal the Diamond of Drake.”

“Three,” I finished, “I’m outta here.”

And I turned and ran.

Into the nearest tavern. Right through the door, up the stairs, and into the first room.

I shut the door and readied myself for an assault.

And that’s when a jewel fell off the katana’s hilt. It hit the ground with a click not a clack.

That was a big problem.

And also enlightening…

The katana I was holding…

…was a fake.

PL Symbol

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115 Responses to “Faked by a Fake”


  1. 1 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister March 22, 2016 at 14:55

    I’m quite surprised at how vicious you were with My Magi, Duke. He has always been treated with such reverence. Is he a fake, as well?

    • 2 Professor VJ Duke March 23, 2016 at 13:45

      Oh no. He’s not. But still. He tried to steal my sword, didn’t he?

      • 3 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister March 24, 2016 at 04:52

        Well, yes, I suppose, but he has a very good reason!

      • 4 Professor VJ Duke March 24, 2016 at 13:56

        Dadblame his reasons, I say. I should thieve his hat.

      • 5 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister March 28, 2016 at 04:27

        So I can wear it *nods* and he can trip you with his cane.

      • 6 Professor VJ Duke March 28, 2016 at 14:19

        He probably would too. Yes, the hat is for you. If you pay a few cherry suckers for it.

      • 7 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister March 30, 2016 at 02:39

        I have to pay?!?! *stomps toe*

      • 8 Professor VJ Duke March 30, 2016 at 13:16

        Well just a few things!

      • 9 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister March 31, 2016 at 01:03

        Like?

      • 10 Professor VJ Duke April 1, 2016 at 14:52

        Anything that is red will do.

  2. 11 kedslover March 13, 2016 at 20:07

    Not the katana! :o

    • 12 Professor VJ Duke March 14, 2016 at 14:11

      I know, it was a fake. Still, a fake katana is pretty cool. It’s just a prop, tho.

      • 13 kedslover March 18, 2016 at 00:16

        How sad. A fake katana isn’t nearly as intimidating as the real thing.

      • 14 Professor VJ Duke March 18, 2016 at 14:39

        I know…here you can have it.

      • 15 kedslover March 21, 2016 at 18:43

        Whoa, thanks! Are you sure? It’s still a pretty huge honor.

      • 16 Professor VJ Duke March 22, 2016 at 14:35

        Positive. Imagine if you walked about with it on your back. People would be scared.

      • 17 kedslover March 22, 2016 at 17:45

        Oh true. When in doubt, use your imagination. *thumbs up*

      • 18 Professor VJ Duke March 23, 2016 at 14:02

        *laughs* Like, the best saying ever!!

      • 19 kedslover March 27, 2016 at 20:08

        Agreed!

      • 20 Professor VJ Duke March 28, 2016 at 14:16

        *nods twice then thrice*

  3. 21 PorterGirl March 13, 2016 at 10:28

    Very good point you make about celebrating, Professor. There’s always some cad who wants to put the kibosh on a good celebration. Keep the celebrations internal, I say. Good to see Mr Magi out and about, I had wondered where he got to. Now then – a fake katana! Who would have thought? In that case – you should give it back immediately and redouble efforts to find the real one!

    • 22 Professor VJ Duke March 14, 2016 at 14:10

      But then…what about parties? We can’t keep them too internal, see. Rats and a Heifer.

      Shouldn’t I just give the real one up? I mean, who cares anymore? I bet Prince Beef doesn’t.

      • 23 PorterGirl March 14, 2016 at 14:23

        Internal parties sound rather dangerous, perhaps they ought to be allowed to leak out a bit. One cannot let anything get in the way of a good party!
        I would give up the fake one, keep the real one and distract Beef with something else. Like a paperclip.

      • 24 Professor VJ Duke March 15, 2016 at 13:09

        *laughing lots* Do you know, a paperclip would probably really work, you know, you know. I dig it. It’d be something. I love paperclips, btw.

      • 25 PorterGirl March 15, 2016 at 13:24

        Paperclips are great, aren’t they? I have all sorts of them in various places. I like to make big long chains out of them. But anyway.

      • 26 Professor VJ Duke March 17, 2016 at 02:46

        *laughing* Really? That’s cool. I just keep them in secret places in case I need them.

      • 27 PorterGirl March 17, 2016 at 09:17

        Ah excellent! One often needs them, you know.

      • 28 Professor VJ Duke March 18, 2016 at 14:29

        For sure. Paper gets so messy without them.

  4. 29 Jackie March 12, 2016 at 02:03

    Everybody believes in something.

    • 30 Professor VJ Duke March 14, 2016 at 14:07

      Except the weeds, I think.

      • 31 Jackie March 14, 2016 at 16:15

        Weeds believe in garden domination.

      • 32 Professor VJ Duke March 15, 2016 at 13:10

        *laughing lots* So right! And I hate them for it. Death to the weeds!

      • 33 Jackie March 15, 2016 at 13:19

        Death to the weeds – that is the battle cry of all gardeners! The weeds don’t stand a chance.

      • 34 Professor VJ Duke March 17, 2016 at 02:44

        Poor weeds. Don’t you feel bad for them?

      • 35 Jackie March 17, 2016 at 02:51

        No! Weeds are strong and mighty and give the gardeners a run for their money. Some gardeners can’t take it and give up! This battle has been going on for centuries and will continue for many more centuries to come!

      • 36 Professor VJ Duke March 17, 2016 at 03:02

        *laughing* You’re so right. They’re such buggers. I bet they train just to try and defeat us!

  5. 37 Louis from VA March 11, 2016 at 16:35

    *gasp* How impossibly sneaky to have fooled a real katana expert. Must have been pretty well-made. Someone with connections…

    • 38 Professor VJ Duke March 14, 2016 at 13:58

      Connections! You’re right. I feel so embarrassed by the whole thing. Here, take all my katanas, I’m not worthy of them!

  6. 39 Sonya Solomonovich March 11, 2016 at 12:40

    I like Shnodgrate’s paradox today.

    Why do you think has the real katana, PVJ? I bet it’s Daddy Salami.

    • 40 Sonya Solomonovich March 11, 2016 at 12:45

      *who do you think has the real katana?* LOL

    • 41 Professor VJ Duke March 11, 2016 at 14:10

      Doesn’t it mess with the mind?

      Or what about Art? It could be that wicked DS, tho.

  7. 42 walt walker March 11, 2016 at 03:58

    Hut is good for shack, I think. Building, not so much.

    Why are they called ‘buildings’ anyway? That sounds a bit like ‘leavings’ which is kind of gross. They should be called ‘builts,’ since the work is done. Or ought to be anyway, by the time we go in them.

    • 43 Professor VJ Duke March 11, 2016 at 14:10

      Look at you…a regular Thesaurus now!

      *laughs* I like this logic. As always, your logic is causing many thinks on this end. Hmm. Buildings is awful. I say we start a petition.

      • 44 walt walker March 12, 2016 at 00:43

        You know, Alastair says Thesauruses have feathers.

      • 45 Professor VJ Duke March 14, 2016 at 14:06

        The question is…do you?

      • 46 walt walker March 14, 2016 at 17:24

        Of course not. Everyone knows everyone knows only I have feathers

      • 47 Professor VJ Duke March 15, 2016 at 13:10

        Are they on your back or head?

  8. 48 A. Mouse March 11, 2016 at 01:38

    Building, shack, hut, domicile, abode, house, lean-to, skyscraper…

    What the what, a fake katana??

    • 49 Professor VJ Duke March 11, 2016 at 14:09

      Wow. You should’ve sent all those things yesterday, Ms. Mouse! *rampages*

      I know…what should I do?

      • 50 A. Mouse March 11, 2016 at 15:41

        I’m good at synonyms, if I do say so. Also, a thesaurus is your friend when it comes to writing.

        Hmmm, I don’t know! I’ve never been tricked by a fake katana before!

      • 51 Professor VJ Duke March 14, 2016 at 13:53

        I like the name. Don’t you suppose Thesaurus was a dino back in the day?

        Rats. But I have. Rats.

      • 52 A. Mouse March 15, 2016 at 02:56

        I’m sure the Thesaurus was a mighty beast back in the day.

      • 53 Professor VJ Duke March 15, 2016 at 13:15

        I bet so. Maybe it hunted the mice!

  9. 54 John W. Howell March 10, 2016 at 21:49

    Oh no. I thought it was too easy. I guess it is back to the castle then.

    • 55 Professor VJ Duke March 11, 2016 at 14:07

      Should I just give up on the katana?

      • 56 John W. Howell March 11, 2016 at 20:21

        Heck no. Go back in there and demand it.

      • 57 Professor VJ Duke March 14, 2016 at 14:06

        What if I lose a foot?

      • 58 John W. Howell March 14, 2016 at 14:08

        Better a foot than a head.

      • 59 Professor VJ Duke March 14, 2016 at 14:13

        True, but then I shall be limping about like a lizard.

  10. 60 Heartafire March 10, 2016 at 21:29

    I don’t know what is going on with rhe fake Katana. The lesson I am taking from this is that I must be immoral to prevent further immorality . Im Not against that.

    • 61 Professor VJ Duke March 11, 2016 at 14:07

      *laughing lots and lots and lots* Hollie! You wicked thing. You would take that lesson, too. Oh, what have I done?

  11. 62 Haylee March 10, 2016 at 20:17

    I’ve given myself a headache, trying to raise my left eyebrow. I’m quite adept at arching the right one (comes with the teacher-stare survival kit) but never the left.
    I’m liking the thickening of this plot though – I do hope the jewels themselves aren’t entirely dodgy, even if they have been attached with spit and blu-tack. I feel you need some gain to make the palaver worthwhile!

    • 63 Professor VJ Duke March 11, 2016 at 14:06

      Seriously? I can only raise my left, see! Can you raise both at the same time?

      I agree. Maybe just sell the jewels? And retire with a few pipes or something?

      • 64 Haylee March 11, 2016 at 16:51

        Haha, of course I can raise them together! If I concentrate hard enough, I can get a small wiggle out of the left but nobody would notice.
        Yes, sell them for as much as you can – with a little clever marketing and charm you can up their value, I’m sure.
        Now are we talking bagpipes or contemplative smoking? I can picture you being the owner of a smoking jacket. The ‘something’ can be a beagle and a whiskey.

      • 65 Professor VJ Duke March 14, 2016 at 13:59

        I might. I notice such things since I work hard to raise mine too. It’s such a hard thing to do. I give up, the sudden.

        A smoking jacket! I like the sound of that. Isn’t that what Holmes had? Cherry cigars and such. Would really allow the thinking to start thinking, I think. A beagle…that’s half dog half eagle, you know.

      • 66 Haylee March 14, 2016 at 14:12

        Holmes certainly had one: If you don’t, you can improvise with a shiny dressing gown. Although, I don’t want to advocate things that are bad for your health. A hybrid dog, however, sounds marvellous – why on earth didn’t I think of that?!

      • 67 Professor VJ Duke March 14, 2016 at 14:14

        Wait. Cherry cigars can’t be bad for you health. I’ve heard cherries are good, see. A hybrid. That’s something you might have, I’m thinking.

      • 68 Haylee March 14, 2016 at 14:18

        Perhaps if they’re chocolate, cherry cigars, you’ll be fine but I don’t think you’re a chocolate fan, are you?
        Now why would I have a hybrid? Do you mean a car? I can’t possibly think what else it could be!

      • 69 Professor VJ Duke March 15, 2016 at 13:08

        That’s true! Good on you for remembering. I don’t hate chocolate. We just don’t get along, see.

        Oh, I meant the hybrid animal. It seems like something you might take in. I might take it in, too, see. *nods*

      • 70 Haylee March 15, 2016 at 16:20

        Haha, yes I do like waifs, strays and odd-bods – I’ll take anything in!

      • 71 Professor VJ Duke March 17, 2016 at 02:55

        Even the professor. I’m something of a waif.

  12. 72 Simply Skeptical March 10, 2016 at 19:03

    I suspected as such as the clack of a jewel hit. Cheap imitation too.

    By the way I think that chap swimming is a chapess. :-) Give credit where credit is due after all remember Woman’s Day….

    • 73 Professor VJ Duke March 11, 2016 at 14:03

      That was yesterday, mind you. *professor spits* But…goodness…it must really be a woman. Everyone is saying it. Rats.

  13. 74 Susan P March 10, 2016 at 17:35

    Holy cow! That was really fast. How many fake swords do you have.

    • 75 Professor VJ Duke March 11, 2016 at 14:02

      I don’t know! *panics* This is worrisome, isn’t it?

      • 76 Susan P March 11, 2016 at 14:28

        Only if you don’t have the real one.

      • 77 Professor VJ Duke March 14, 2016 at 13:52

        Alas, I don’t. I shall have to riot now.

      • 78 Susan P March 14, 2016 at 14:02

        I was going to say that you need a secretary but then I remember that you had one and it didn’t work out well.

      • 79 Professor VJ Duke March 14, 2016 at 14:12

        ooooooo, that’s right! What was her name again?

      • 80 Susan P March 14, 2016 at 18:11

        Trouble. That is what I call yer.

      • 81 Professor VJ Duke March 15, 2016 at 13:15

        But I’m so sweet and innocent.

      • 82 Susan P March 15, 2016 at 14:28

        I pity the fool…

      • 83 Professor VJ Duke March 17, 2016 at 02:50

        *laughs* Now, now. Don’t go giving things away.

      • 84 Susan P April 3, 2016 at 00:32

        Why not? I ask you why not?

      • 85 Professor VJ Duke April 3, 2016 at 20:51

        Well…because, Santa doesn’t like it.

      • 86 Susan P April 3, 2016 at 23:50

        Maybe you could, bribe him with milk and cookies?

      • 87 Professor VJ Duke April 4, 2016 at 15:06

        That would bribe me, I know.

      • 88 Susan P April 4, 2016 at 17:08

        Well, what are you waiting on?

      • 89 Professor VJ Duke April 5, 2016 at 13:47

        Indecision. I always am, you know.

      • 90 Susan P April 5, 2016 at 21:05

        It’s alarming, actually. The things that fly out of your ears.

      • 91 Professor VJ Duke April 6, 2016 at 14:21

        My ears or everyone’s ears?

      • 92 Susan P April 6, 2016 at 23:07

        Everyone who keeps the dust out of them.

      • 93 Professor VJ Duke April 7, 2016 at 16:58

        Hahaha. I like that.

      • 94 Susan P April 7, 2016 at 21:29

        See? It’s easy once once you know.

      • 95 Professor VJ Duke April 8, 2016 at 18:46

        Well. Wow. I’m goody now.

      • 96 Susan P April 9, 2016 at 16:04

        Somehow I don’t believe it.

      • 97 Professor VJ Duke April 11, 2016 at 13:48

        Me either, the sudden.

      • 98 Susan P April 20, 2016 at 14:12

        You will never get anyhow if you give up.

      • 99 Professor VJ Duke April 21, 2016 at 13:06

        That’s a good point, but still.

  14. 100 Debbie March 10, 2016 at 15:42

    Professor, I’m stunned you didn’t recognize that katana as a fake!! But obviously, nobody else did either, or why would everyone be after it?? Now you really must return it to its rightful owner, but don’t give away that it’s a copy.

    “Condos” definitely isn’t the right word. Remember, as Domer says, Google is your friend. Perhaps you should have chosen factories, shops, dwellings, barns, or the like?!

    And sir, I hate to bring this up, but have you had your eyes examined lately?? That swimmer is definitely female ;)

    • 101 Professor VJ Duke March 11, 2016 at 14:00

      *laughs* I could do that! Give the copy back to Prince Beef. Or keep it. Or just give up on the katana, you know.

      But are we completely sure there isn’t a condo by Art’s castle? I mean, it’s possible, you know. One might be there. Left over from when Tom Brady came for a visit. He had it built, see.

      Is not! Are you sure??

  15. 102 FictionFan March 10, 2016 at 15:24

    Shnoddy is particularly profound today! Sometimes he almost makes sene in a nonsensical kind of way… *muses*

    Good noodles, sir! After all that, you come away with a fake?? The question is, who has the real one? I bet it’s my Schwarzy – he’s so much smarter than… er… never mind! Well, there’s nothing else for it – back into the fray for you…

    It’s a pity the bobble is on Mr M’s cane – it would be nicer if it was on his hat. Or his nose.

    • 103 Professor VJ Duke March 11, 2016 at 13:59

      You liked it! That’s sorta like 1 in 1,000,000,000. Haha. #win

      But what if Arthur still has it! I’m thinking I should just give up the katana now. Don’t you think? Just give it up, see.

      *laughs* His nose? He’d look like Mary Poppins, then.

      • 104 FictionFan March 11, 2016 at 16:52

        I don’t see why you win, sir! You only typed the thing! Shnoddy’s the winner… unless… *suspicious glare*

        *gasps* You can’t! What would happen to your reputation as a great warrior? Surely you can beat a little pipsqueak like Arthur?!

        *laughs* Did she have a bobble on her nose? No wonder she hid behind that umbrella…

      • 105 Professor VJ Duke March 14, 2016 at 14:00

        Err…right. He won, I mean. You actually like one. That’s what I meant. Goodness.

        Yes, but don’t great warrior sometimes go on vacation? Maybe that’s what I need: a good long vacation.

        Didn’t she? She could’ve. I think Marry Poppins was a witch, you know.

      • 106 FictionFan March 14, 2016 at 17:50

        That’s better! For a moment there, I thought…

        You? You’ve been on vacation for months! *looks at youtube* Months!! Now get that katana back and then get on with the rest of your duties! Do you hear, sir! *looks sternly over top of specs*

        Possibly, but you have to admit she wasn’t as bobbly as Nanny McPhee…

      • 107 Professor VJ Duke March 15, 2016 at 13:12

        You thought…about toads. *nods*

        Now, now. I’m not Vince, you must realize. The professor isn’t on youtube–yet. I’ve been thinking about doing a video that’d be just awful. But I might do it, just because. I don’t know no fool named Vc, see. Haha. I do that, too!

        I do agree. I do. And Darby was in that. He fell in love with Nanny.

      • 108 FictionFan March 15, 2016 at 17:05

        Well… in a sense I did, I suppose…

        Who’s Vince? Is that the name of the boy in Polar Express? Oh, go on – awful can be fun! Is VC a fool then? He looks so…

        I know – poor man! Shows what can happen when there isn’t a Lizio around to offer protection… *nods wisely and mournfully*

      • 109 Professor VJ Duke March 17, 2016 at 02:56

        *laughing* that’s good right there, you witty beast.

        I don’t know no fool named Vince either, I must admit. Many promises. Dumb? Strange? Mean? Filthy? Oh, I know, mean!

        You know, I think he left her–after they had all those snotty children.

  16. 110 Alastair Savage March 10, 2016 at 15:21

    Hut? Hovel? Terrace? Shed?
    I reckon your naked katana is only there as click bait!

    • 111 Professor VJ Duke March 11, 2016 at 13:58

      Where were you when I needed you, dadblameit!! *laughs* Is not…

  17. 112 L. Marie March 10, 2016 at 15:11

    Um, isn’t that swimmer a woman? If so, perhaps she could go on your list of heroes. :-)

    A fake katana eh? All of that hard work for nothing. Do you think perhaps now you’ll give up the need to have the katana? (I’m sure the answer is no.)

    • 113 Professor VJ Duke March 11, 2016 at 13:58

      You don’t say…are you sure? I can’t see how you could tell. I mean, yes, there’s no beard. But still. Fooey.

      Do you think I should just leave it? That is a fair notion, I must admit.

      • 114 L. Marie March 15, 2016 at 14:11

        You can tell by the bathing suit strap and the shape of her head.

        As for the katana, I’m sure you’ll think of something to do with it. :-) Perhaps use it as a bargaining chip somehow.

      • 115 Professor VJ Duke March 17, 2016 at 02:47

        Oh goodness. Now I feel silly. You should’ve told me sooner, dadblameit! *rampages*

        Or lie about it!


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