Gone, In a Twinkle Or Two

It is usually logical to assume logical things. 

V. Shnodgrate, Renowned PL Poet

UntitledA fake?

How could it be a fake?

Simple. It was built as a fake.

Rats and a Heifer!

King Arthur was a cunning rat. If indeed he was the one that faked it.

But first things first. Otherwise, the second and third things start to try and fight for first place. Never a good thing, you know, you know.

Anyways and some, the tavern was ugly.

61475a_da015e7e1c9647c791011a9aee8aee60

I looked for a place to hide.

There was none.

It’d be a battle.

The door swung open behind me, and I turned in slow motion–sorta like in the movies.

But standing in the doorway wasn’t Mr. Magi

…it was Fats Henry.

And he was huge, and huge, and scowling, and huge.

He was also carrying a bat with spikes.

It looked something like this. Now, isn't this the most coolest baseball bat ever? You can each get me one for my b-day. Many pleases and thank yous.

It looked something like this. Now, isn’t this the most coolest baseball bat ever? You can each get me one for my b-day. Many pleases and thank yous.

The professor stood his ground, of course, and drew out the katana with plastic jewels. It might’ve been a fake, but it was still steel. Which is far better than steal still.

I picked off a fake ruby from the hilt.

“Well, well,” Fats Henry boomed.

A hush fell upon the tavern. Not that there were many people there. But still, they hushed right up like a bunch of olives in a salad of fruit.

(Olives are intimidated by fruit, see, that’s why they hush. Mindeth-never.)

“Who would’ve thought I’d run into you here, huh? Henry swiped at me with his bat.

The professor dodged and I chucked the fake ruby at him. It bounced off his head.

“I bet you did,” I said. “After all, you saw me land here, I do believe. And you came looking here.”

The professor threw an emerald this time.

“What?!” Henry roared. “I always knew you were rich, but not rich enough to waste precious gems! Now give me the katana!!”

And he swung again, but I caught it on the sword this time. Henry thought this was the real katana. An interest.

We entered into an intense battle of swordplay. Well, batplay for Fats.

Now, the thing is, Mr. Magi entered soon after Fats Henry did.

He came barging right through, like a bison to a party.

“What…” he sputtered. “Enough of this!”

And out came his cane.

Which is bad.

It’s sorta like a wand, don’t you see. And sometimes he does things with it he doesn’t mean to do.

He swung it once, twice, then thrice.

“Oh no!” Henry yelled, ducking for cover.

“Professor VJ Duke, you handsome bastard,” I said, “run.”

(Sometimes I have speaks with myself. Helps me stay motivated, see.)

But it was all fruitful. Wait. Fruitless. It was all fruitless. Yes, that’s it.

There was a flash, a twinkle.

And then the professor found himself inside Prince Beef’s palace.

Clara Higgins was standing right there.

She dropped the tea cup she was carrying.

Dadblameit.

PL Symbol

Advertisements

89 Responses to “Gone, In a Twinkle Or Two”


  1. 1 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister March 22, 2016 at 15:06

    Tisk tisk tisk…you cursed! And Magi is no bison. You are vicious, Duke.

    • 2 Professor VJ Duke March 23, 2016 at 13:48

      It makes me meaner if I curse…don’t you suppose? But you’re right. *looks embarrassed*

      • 3 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister March 24, 2016 at 04:50

        *giggles* You should blush more often, Duke. Yes, you came off much more vicious.

      • 4 Professor VJ Duke March 24, 2016 at 13:55

        I only blush blue. *nods*

      • 5 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister March 28, 2016 at 04:26

        Some would say you’re quite lucky, Duketh.

      • 6 Professor VJ Duke March 28, 2016 at 14:18

        I suppose so, since you can’t tell I’m blushing. It’s a cool superpower, but I’d rather be Spiderman.

      • 7 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister March 30, 2016 at 02:35

        So you like Spiderman now, huh?

      • 8 Professor VJ Duke March 30, 2016 at 13:15

        I think he’s my favorite hero. Did you see the new batman movie?

      • 9 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister March 31, 2016 at 01:02

        He’s mine too, but you knew that already. I haven’t, but Mr. Warrior wants to see it in a bad way.

      • 10 Professor VJ Duke April 1, 2016 at 14:52

        *laughs* I’m sure he does!

  2. 11 PorterGirl March 21, 2016 at 07:53

    *laughing lots* This is just EPIC! I am loving it to many deaths. Especially the bit about the olives, which I did not know. I shall be keeping this in mind for when the buggers start getting uppity, as is their want. I do like how you have speaks with yourself. I think I would describe you just as such, especially in your Alice Cooper get-up *laughs*

    • 12 Professor VJ Duke March 22, 2016 at 14:34

      Yes, yes. Can you believe olives? The cowardly little things. I always thought they’d be more brave than that, mind.

      Hahahaha. I looked good like that. Filthy and mean! And even orc-like, you must admit.

      • 13 PorterGirl March 22, 2016 at 14:36

        Olives obviously need a close eye keeping on them. A close eye and a mum mouth! *laughs*
        Yes, dear, you do look rather fabulous.

      • 14 Professor VJ Duke March 22, 2016 at 14:38

        A mum mouth. Haha. That’s a great expression. I bet it sounds odd to you, tho. I mean, a mom mouth would sound weird to me, I must admit.

        No, no, I look rotten!

      • 15 PorterGirl March 22, 2016 at 14:39

        Yes, you taught me that expression! It does sound odd, although we have the phrase ‘keeping mum’ which means to keep quiet about something.
        Do you think so? I have already made a poster for my bedroom wall…

      • 16 Professor VJ Duke March 23, 2016 at 13:43

        Right, right. I thought that’s where it came from. keeping mum. I love it lots. It’s a nice way to say “quiet tho”.

        Really? Haha. Give me one, too, please when you do. I’d like to hang it on my wall. Just to see the fam’s expression.

      • 17 PorterGirl March 23, 2016 at 13:46

        It’s a super phrase, certainly.
        Wait… you want a picture of your own self on your bedroom wall? Well, fair enough. I shall send one along. Life-sized, so they won’t be able to tell which is which.

      • 18 Professor VJ Duke March 23, 2016 at 14:06

        Well…I don’t really see it as myself. It’ll be like Dorian Grey. You know, remind me of the beast inside. *nods*

      • 19 PorterGirl March 23, 2016 at 14:28

        I know just what you mean, in fact. When I see pictures on me as DHP I don’t see it as me. You would make a fabulous Dorian, by the way. You are beastly within and without, I say! An all round beast!

      • 20 Professor VJ Duke March 24, 2016 at 13:44

        Yes! T always laughs at me because I’m always referring to me in the videos as ‘he’.

        But Dorian was dreadfully wicked! A murderer!

      • 21 PorterGirl March 24, 2016 at 14:16

        Ah but that is perfectly normal! I would laugh right back at T if I were you.
        I prefer to think of him as misunderstood. Besides, a bit of indiscriminate killing gives a chap character.

      • 22 Professor VJ Duke March 25, 2016 at 18:26

        *laughing* Misunderstood! Well, now that is a thing. I bet he was. Still, he was a beast.

      • 23 PorterGirl March 26, 2016 at 08:49

        An absolute beast. What a fine fellow.

      • 24 Professor VJ Duke March 28, 2016 at 14:14

        Haha. I love how you make that connection there between a beast and fine fellow. Well done.

      • 25 PorterGirl March 28, 2016 at 14:17

        It is the only logical way of seeing it, I say.

      • 26 Professor VJ Duke March 28, 2016 at 14:20

        See, I think you won this one.

      • 27 PorterGirl March 28, 2016 at 14:21

        What – no way! This calls for a celebration.

      • 28 Professor VJ Duke March 28, 2016 at 14:21

        See? What goes around comes around. At least, that’s what they say.

      • 29 PorterGirl March 28, 2016 at 14:23

        In English we say ‘swings and roundabouts’ *nods*

      • 30 Professor VJ Duke March 29, 2016 at 12:56

        Steve Howe likes roundabouts.

      • 31 PorterGirl March 29, 2016 at 13:28

        Haha! Yes. As in agreement to your statement and also the band.

      • 32 Professor VJ Duke March 30, 2016 at 13:01

        *laughs* He’s my favorite rock guitarist.

  3. 33 John W. Howell March 18, 2016 at 18:16

    What the heck. Clara turns up more than a bad onion.

    • 34 Professor VJ Duke March 22, 2016 at 14:29

      Wait…do onions go bad?

      • 35 John W. Howell March 22, 2016 at 17:10

        Yes they do.

      • 36 Professor VJ Duke March 23, 2016 at 14:00

        I believe you, the sudden. You sound as if you have experience.

      • 37 John W. Howell March 24, 2016 at 00:27

        Yes. As the year moves more toward onion harvest the old onions from last harvest get soft and smell bad.

      • 38 Professor VJ Duke March 24, 2016 at 13:53

        They make the perfect weapons then. Perfect for throwing at someone, I say.

      • 39 John W. Howell March 25, 2016 at 02:00

        Yes. But can you carry them around? NO

      • 40 Professor VJ Duke March 25, 2016 at 18:39

        You’ll have to get a satchel.

      • 41 John W. Howell March 25, 2016 at 19:35

        Airtight satchel

      • 42 Professor VJ Duke March 28, 2016 at 14:05

        Right. We don’t want any of that escaping.

  4. 43 A. Mouse March 18, 2016 at 01:56

    The thick plottens!

    • 44 Professor VJ Duke March 18, 2016 at 14:40

      *laughing* You know, I love how you said that.

  5. 45 Simply Skeptical March 17, 2016 at 23:21

    Well as you said Prof. even though it is fake it is still steel and well actually it is also steal steel you took. So Fats is as thick upstairs as he is everywhere else I see. What a dimwit. Hey Prof.

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! HAVE THE DADBLAMEST BEST TIME CELEBRATING & LUCK O THE IRISH TO YOU SIR!!

    • 46 Professor VJ Duke March 18, 2016 at 14:39

      Poor Henry. He’s a bit dull. He just assumes things very fastly fast, see. Yes, that’s the thing.

      Thank you bunches!

  6. 47 desertdweller29 March 17, 2016 at 18:49

    I wonder where one gets a bat like that? Assassins R Us? Wrapping will be difficult…

    • 48 Professor VJ Duke March 18, 2016 at 14:39

      Well, I guess you could put it in a box. Maybe it comes as a kit? You know, so you can make your own?

      • 49 desertdweller29 March 18, 2016 at 14:41

        I’m getting you the kit, sir. I’m afraid I might break a nail. (if I had any, you see…)

      • 50 Professor VJ Duke March 18, 2016 at 14:41

        You are? Gee thanks! *gives DD a warrior hug only* Okay. But still…I don’t want you to break the nails you have.

      • 51 desertdweller29 March 18, 2016 at 14:43

        I take it those warrior hugs are chest bumps with armor. But I’ll take it! :)

      • 52 Professor VJ Duke March 22, 2016 at 14:21

        Oh yes, they’re rough things that are brutal.

  7. 53 walt walker March 17, 2016 at 18:35

    That bat would strike fear into me. Well, nails too, looks like. Mercy!

    • 54 Professor VJ Duke March 18, 2016 at 14:38

      But it wouldn’t scare Dick, would it?

  8. 55 Haylee March 17, 2016 at 18:23

    Never mind dropping teacups, I snorted my tea when I read what you said to yourself – it was a snortle chortle! Referring to yourself in anything but first person is always a good choice.

    • 56 Professor VJ Duke March 18, 2016 at 14:36

      Haha. Wasn’t that something? It’s my motivating speech. I hope you didn’t choke…

      • 57 Haylee March 18, 2016 at 19:06

        I survived, thanks for the concern :) I almost said I’d snorted worse, or choked on worse but neither seemed appropriate…
        But have I missed something, is it actually your birthday? (WAS your birthday by now) Or are you simply sending out present hints in advance?
        Belated day-of-birth happiness if it was. 🍰🎁 We’re almost birthday buddies :)

      • 58 Professor VJ Duke March 22, 2016 at 14:31

        *laughing* I felt really bad there for a sudden split second which is now gone, of course.

        It was my b-day! March 17th. When’s yours, madam?

      • 59 Haylee March 22, 2016 at 15:31

        Today!! :D

      • 60 Professor VJ Duke March 23, 2016 at 13:50

        No way!! Happy b-day!! I’m late, i know. But still, happy b-day many times over!

      • 61 Haylee March 23, 2016 at 15:32

        Thanking you! :)

      • 62 Professor VJ Duke March 24, 2016 at 13:44

        I’m older than you, so that should make you feel spicy.

      • 63 Haylee March 24, 2016 at 16:13

        Haha, feeling spicy sounds like a good thing. I think… You’re never older than me though, I won’t believe it. Unless you provide proof!

      • 64 Professor VJ Duke March 25, 2016 at 18:29

        How can i provide proof? I’ll ship you my gray beard.

      • 65 Haylee March 25, 2016 at 19:17

        Eeww… I think I may pass. Besides, I had grey hairs at 16 – I had a Rogue streak going on at the back. Well, I called it this, it was only a single hair I think!

      • 66 Professor VJ Duke March 28, 2016 at 14:04

        A rogue streak! That’s sorta cool. Did you cut it out?

      • 67 Haylee March 28, 2016 at 15:23

        Nope, it’s still there but my hair’s sooo thick, it’s rarely spotted!

      • 68 Professor VJ Duke March 29, 2016 at 12:57

        You should bring it out and show it about, I’m thinking.

  9. 69 Jackie March 17, 2016 at 17:30

    Assuming things gets you into trouble.

    • 70 Professor VJ Duke March 18, 2016 at 14:36

      Is that always?

      • 71 Jackie March 18, 2016 at 14:50

        Well, I’m sure there are exceptions to the rule. But for the most part assuming things is not a good idea. That’s just my take on it – others might feel differently.

      • 72 Professor VJ Duke March 22, 2016 at 14:26

        Rats. I always liked to assume dastardly things. Done what you’ve looked!

      • 73 Jackie March 22, 2016 at 14:30

        *sigh*

      • 74 Professor VJ Duke March 22, 2016 at 14:37

        *laughs* I shall riot now, mind you!

      • 75 Jackie March 22, 2016 at 14:38

        If you must! I’m going to take cover over there in the corner.

      • 76 Professor VJ Duke March 22, 2016 at 14:38

        Don’t you want to riot with me?

      • 77 Jackie March 22, 2016 at 14:40

        It’s been a busy few days so I think I will sit this one out. Maybe next time.

      • 78 Professor VJ Duke March 23, 2016 at 13:44

        Well…that sounds just fine to me.

      • 79 Jackie March 23, 2016 at 13:49

        :-)

  10. 80 Lady Dunamis March 17, 2016 at 17:30

    Now why did this remind me of a scene from a Harry Potter movie? Quite the interesting you know.

    I never thought you would call yourself handsome. Quite vain you know and not very warrior like. You know, of the filthy kind, but never you mind. Sometimes we all need a delusion, I mean distraction. Especially if you find yourself fighting for your fake sword. 😝

    • 81 Professor VJ Duke March 18, 2016 at 14:35

      It did? *squints eye* You just said that on purpose! *rampages*

      *laughs* Well, I just did that to get myself moving, you know. The professor might do something like that, don’t you see.

  11. 82 InfiniteZip March 17, 2016 at 17:25

    I think the baseballs would be impaled though. How does one then get a home run?

    • 83 Professor VJ Duke March 18, 2016 at 14:33

      Well, I bet these bats aren’t used for baseball anymore, Zippy. Probably for other things. Like murder, for instance.

      • 84 InfiniteZip March 18, 2016 at 14:51

        Oh the heavens….murder is bad…..who would do such a thing? Such a dastardly thing I say.

      • 85 Professor VJ Duke March 22, 2016 at 14:28

        How bad is murder on a scale from 1 to 10, Zippy?

  12. 86 Debbie March 17, 2016 at 14:51

    So…Clara the tea girl is back?? Well, that doesn’t surprise me, you know. How can you properly celebrate your St. Paddy’s birthday without a proper cup of tea??

    Hmm, tossing gems? Sounds like fun. Grab me a basket and I’ll try to catch a few. Probably easier than finding leprechauns and sure, I could be using some extra cash!

    Happy B-day, Professor. Enjoy your cherry cake!

    • 87 Professor VJ Duke March 18, 2016 at 14:32

      *laughs* Funny why that doesn’t surprise you! Very true, tho. But…I didn’t have a tea! Can you believe this? Goodness me, says I.

      Leprechauns can’t be too hard to find. I mean, they’re over the rainbow, you know. They are fake gems, don’t you know.

      Thank you, Debbie!!

  13. 88 L. Marie March 17, 2016 at 14:50

    Clara eh? Oh ho ho! The plot thickens! So Mr. Magi’s cane sent you to Prince Beef’s palace? I hope whatever you do now will involve your steel baton.

    • 89 Professor VJ Duke March 18, 2016 at 14:31

      What should I do with Clara, Linda? Ugh indeed.


Say something...anything...O Punchy Family!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s




TPL Schedule

Sunday: OFF — Day of Shalt Nots

Monday: TPL Story

Tuesday: OFF — Because I'm Gone

Wednesday: Professor Speaks

Thursday: OFF — Because Yes

Friday: OFF — All Day Sleep Does

Saturday: OFF — Blue-Footed Boobies Need Fed

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email!

Join 1,872 other followers

Follow The Punchy Lands! on WordPress.com

Blog Stats

  • 114,168 hits

Join the Professor on Twitter!

Professorish Smiley:

==[:-{)=

or

==[:-{)+

Depends on the day, see.

Punchy Argot:

1. Dadblameit.
2. Humdinger
3. Chickit
4. Chicky-woot-woot
5. Malediction
6. Rapscallion
7. Gardoobled
8. Congratulilolations
9. Togoggin
10. Gargonic
11. Two and Five Gurgles
12. Rats and a Heifer
13. Two nods, a wink, and an astroid
14. A bit, bits, and little bits
15. Huff-Hum and a Roar
16. So many thanks, I can't begin to thank you
17. Ri-do-diculous


%d bloggers like this: