Decision Time

Stealing is an art. Before you steal, make sure it’s profitable. 

V. Shnodgrate, Renowned PL Poet

UntitledClara Higgins stared at me.

And this professor stared right back.

We were both shocked a bit.

And when you’re shocked a bit, you stare.

That’s some sort of unofficial rule, I think.

Rule: When shocked, you stare.

Anyways and a few, a gem dropped from the fake katana in my hands and hit the floor with a clunk.


Clara opened her mouth, then shut it, then opened it again, and that’s when the floodgates sorta erupted:

“You’re back you can help me glad you got the sword with that we can make sure that idiot prince lets me go I’ve been a prisoner here since you escaped and I don’t have a clue what I should do I’ve tried to escape but I can never get far enough are you going to give the sword back to Prince Beef I hope where have you been?”

That stumped me for a good long while. But this professor is a vicious bear and I recovered rather quickly.

No, this is not me.

No, this is not me.

Aha! Here I am. Just out for a stroll and roaring about the place.

Aha! Here I am. Just out for a stroll and roaring about the place.

“Now look here,” I began, “last time I saw you, you pretended to cry, sob, and otherwise leak a bit from the eyes, convincing Prince Beef that I was bad and you were good. Since then, this professor has been captured, shot, chased, attacked–never defeated, mind–and otherwise running about. Not very sure how I ended up back in this dadblame place, but if I have one thing to tell you it’s pretty much nothing.”

And that was that.

Clara’s eyes squinted and her hands found her hips as she looked away.

“Fine,” she snapped. “If you don’t want to help, fine. Just go.” 

And she marched away.

Now, the professor was close to the kitchens. I could tell ’cause it was noisy and smelly. (That means you’re close to the kitchens, see.)

And it was now time for decisions.

This professor walked a bit, found a little chair, and had a seat.

Things were complicated and the best thing to do when things are complicated is to sit and have thinks. Many thinks, in fact.

This was sorta the place.

This was sorta the place.

Now, here was the roll:

Prince Beef was marrying Schwarz Tauptinker’s sister, Gertrude. He wanted to fashion the engagement ring from the Diamond of Drake. But he didn’t have the Diamond of Drake. So, he hired Fats Henry to thieve it for him. For his service, Henry would be gifted the Jeweled Katana.

But that’s when this professor messed things up. I stole it. Just to stop more thieving, of course. It was just–I think. Bud Parker and Schwarz Tauptinker were also going for the katana. Other people were, too. It was a mess.

Now, this professor was holding the fake katana. What should be done?

It should be returned to Prince Beef. After all, it wasn’t real; he would think it was. We would be at peace after I gave it over, and I could wash my hands of the whole affair.

Here’s the moral of the tale, as this professor sees it so far: Never thieve something to be just and righteous. It’s not worth it. In the end, you’ll end up being unjust and unrighteous.

I nodded and stood.

“Time to return this,” I said aloud. (Just for story purposes, of course.)

“I don’t think so, bud.”

“Yeah, chickit. No, no.”

It was Bud Parker and Schwarz Tauptinker.

PL Symbol


98 Responses to “Decision Time”

  1. 1 Freakishly Fangirlish April 4, 2016 at 18:04

    I’m actually disappointed that you aren’t the bloody bear….

    • 2 Professor VJ Duke April 5, 2016 at 13:49

      Now hold on here…really? But see, that’d mean I’m somewhat adorable. Which just isn’t true.

      • 3 Freakishly Fangirlish April 5, 2016 at 14:26

        I don’t find stuffed animals to be cute, unless they’re stuffed sea creatures or really really fluzzy….

      • 4 Professor VJ Duke April 6, 2016 at 14:11

        Oh! So, that bear isn’t as cute as the other one! Okay, I change, the sudden.

  2. 5 Sonya Solomonovich April 1, 2016 at 13:06

    I have a theory on why the professor stole the katana. It was not really done to prevent thieving. I think the professor simply wanted to see if he could make every single PLer angry with him. And he succeeded! Of course, the other reason is you coveted the katana :)

    • 6 Professor VJ Duke April 1, 2016 at 14:55

      *laughs* You know, I think you could have a really good point here. For see, I’m not sure why I stole it really. And if I had a reason, I’d know. Of course I would. But I think you’re right, the sudden.

      • 7 Sonya Solomonovich April 1, 2016 at 15:38

        Yay, it’s good to be right. *takes a bow* The reasons for our actions are always complicated, so I’m not surprised you’re not sure about why exactly you stole it.

      • 8 Professor VJ Duke April 3, 2016 at 20:40

        *laughs* See how confused I am? Help!

  3. 9 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister March 30, 2016 at 02:58

    Two things (because I’m rather busy tonight):
    The Diamond of Drake…is a super Coolio name and I want one. Second, don’t steal. Ever.

    • 10 Professor VJ Duke March 30, 2016 at 13:16

      Never, ever, ever? Not even to get you the Diamond of Drake?

      • 11 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister March 31, 2016 at 01:04

        No, one should win it fair and square.

        Oh! And that’s a snail, Duke. I forgot to mention him.

      • 12 Professor VJ Duke April 1, 2016 at 14:52

        A snail? Are you super duper sure?

      • 13 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister April 2, 2016 at 13:19

        Yes, I believe I am

      • 14 Professor VJ Duke April 3, 2016 at 20:47

        Do you remember Charley?

      • 15 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister April 4, 2016 at 14:03

        Of course I remember Charley. Sigh. He was our friend.

      • 16 Professor VJ Duke April 4, 2016 at 15:07

        I think he’s come back, you know.

      • 17 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister April 5, 2016 at 01:33

        Duke, you killed him. You killed the one friend we took on adventures. You shouldn’t tease me so..

      • 18 Professor VJ Duke April 5, 2016 at 13:51

        NO, no, No! He’s not dead. Promise.

      • 19 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister April 6, 2016 at 12:21

        Where is he?

      • 20 Professor VJ Duke April 6, 2016 at 14:26

        He was on vacation, see.

      • 21 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister April 10, 2016 at 00:16

        You did send him flying, but last I checked that wasn’t a vacation.

      • 22 Professor VJ Duke April 11, 2016 at 13:56

        Well, he sprouted wings at the last moment.

      • 23 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister April 15, 2016 at 14:50

        Oh, he did not. *shy hopeful smile*

      • 24 Professor VJ Duke April 18, 2016 at 12:30

        Did, did!

      • 25 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister April 19, 2016 at 18:50

        Where is Charley now?

      • 26 Professor VJ Duke April 20, 2016 at 12:43

        Last I heard he was looking for a Mrs. Charley.

      • 27 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister April 25, 2016 at 14:18

        Do you suppose he found her? Suppose he’s been on wild adventures while trying to fund the perfect Mrs. Charley?

      • 28 Professor VJ Duke April 26, 2016 at 13:27

        I bet he has. I bet he’s had to fight lots of scallywags. Maybe he’s married now?

      • 29 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister May 2, 2016 at 19:35

        Might be! And has no time for fun, I’m sure.

      • 30 Professor VJ Duke May 3, 2016 at 13:03

        That’s because marriage is like the biggest adventure of all

  4. 31 L. Marie March 25, 2016 at 13:16

    Hmm. Does this mean you still don’t trust Clara? I thought you’d pretend to go along with her to see if this whole set-up was a trap. Because it undoubtedly is.

    • 32 Professor VJ Duke March 25, 2016 at 18:40

      Ooo…do you think she’s still being wicked?

      • 33 L. Marie March 28, 2016 at 13:14

        I believe so. *nods*

      • 34 Professor VJ Duke March 28, 2016 at 14:19

        Can I borrow your throwing knife? Either that or you can come over and harpoon her for me, please.

  5. 35 masgautsen March 25, 2016 at 10:48

    Happy easter!

    • 36 Professor VJ Duke March 25, 2016 at 18:40

      Happy easter to you too!

  6. 37 John W. Howell March 25, 2016 at 02:15

    Oh No, is right.

    • 38 Professor VJ Duke March 25, 2016 at 18:40

      See? When I’m about to be righteous, this happens. Lesson, don’t be righteous.

      • 39 John W. Howell March 25, 2016 at 19:34

        Lesson two. If righteous be correct.

      • 40 Professor VJ Duke March 28, 2016 at 14:05

        Haha. Lesson #2 is important.

      • 41 John W. Howell March 28, 2016 at 18:31

        Yes. So true

      • 42 Professor VJ Duke March 29, 2016 at 12:59

        I’m never really true.

      • 43 John W. Howell March 29, 2016 at 13:18

        So True-like

      • 44 Professor VJ Duke March 30, 2016 at 13:00

        True-like yet not true. Now that’s a thing.

      • 45 John W. Howell March 30, 2016 at 13:23

        Looks like true but not.

      • 46 Professor VJ Duke April 1, 2016 at 14:47

        I say, we’ve sorted that, haven’t we?

      • 47 John W. Howell April 2, 2016 at 00:39

        Yes. We can drop this string.

      • 48 Professor VJ Duke April 3, 2016 at 20:45

        Drop it, my good man.

      • 49 John W. Howell April 3, 2016 at 22:21


      • 50 Professor VJ Duke April 4, 2016 at 15:04

        Good man.

      • 51 John W. Howell April 4, 2016 at 17:49

        I mean DROPPED

      • 52 Professor VJ Duke April 5, 2016 at 13:48

        Yes, quite right. I got that.

      • 53 John W. Howell April 5, 2016 at 17:37

        Like a safe from the 100th floor

      • 54 Professor VJ Duke April 6, 2016 at 14:16

        Well, let’s make sure we’re outta the way.

  7. 55 walt walker March 25, 2016 at 01:00

    Now that vampire bear, that is something. I fear it quite a bunch.

    • 56 Professor VJ Duke March 25, 2016 at 18:38

      Just put a string of garlic about your neck. That should fetch it.

      • 57 walt walker March 26, 2016 at 03:46

        Fetch it?! I would prefer it to go far away!

      • 58 Professor VJ Duke March 28, 2016 at 14:11

        Mr. Walt, don’t be scared. You must fetch it out, as they say.

  8. 59 Simply Skeptical March 24, 2016 at 23:15

    What’s the use I ask you this? It’s not real and really doesn’t matter. Beef wants whats real; returning a fake isn’t really good. Where’s the real one?

    • 60 Professor VJ Duke March 25, 2016 at 18:38

      Well, I’m not sure. But PB will probably not know that it’s fake! Right?

      • 61 Simply Skeptical March 26, 2016 at 12:10

        he is dull you know

      • 62 Professor VJ Duke March 28, 2016 at 14:15

        Just a bit. In some ways, I’d say.

  9. 63 PorterGirl March 24, 2016 at 19:50

    Pah – just as you were about to do a nice thing and give back the fake katana, those two just have to stick their fat noses in. Always the way, isn’t it? You look like you are enjoying yourself on that rock, roaring away. Quite marvellous, Professor!

    • 64 Professor VJ Duke March 25, 2016 at 18:38

      I forget what I’m roaring at. Probably an ostrich, you know.

      I know. Just when I’m about to be semi nice, this happens. You know, I should just be mean, I’m thinking. *nods*

      • 65 PorterGirl March 26, 2016 at 08:51

        *laughing lots* An ostrich, a worm… maybe something even worse!!
        You are as sweet as a honeycomb and as mean as a beetle. I really don’t know how you manage it, in truth.

      • 66 Professor VJ Duke March 28, 2016 at 14:15

        Maybe…a dragon, even!

        *laughs* I like that. In truth, everyone always asks me to explain myself. They don’t understand me, see. This is good.

      • 67 PorterGirl March 28, 2016 at 14:19

        Maybe even that!
        Explaining oneself should always lead to further confusion or it really isn’t proper. There is nothing quite so satisfying as being misunderstood.

      • 68 Professor VJ Duke March 28, 2016 at 14:20

        That is epic! You must write it down and put it in the next PG book. I love it to many deaths!

      • 69 PorterGirl March 28, 2016 at 14:22

        Do you think so? *laughs* I shall try and squeeze it in. Just working on that bugger as we speak, in fact.

      • 70 Professor VJ Duke March 29, 2016 at 12:52

        Hahaha. Or the next one. No rush, I say.

      • 71 PorterGirl March 29, 2016 at 13:26

        It sounds like something PVJ would say. I shall make it one of his lines, what do you think?

      • 72 Professor VJ Duke March 30, 2016 at 13:00

        Really? It sounds like a DHP line!

      • 73 PorterGirl March 30, 2016 at 13:28

        Do you think so? Hmm. Maybe I’ll give it to The Dean.

      • 74 Professor VJ Duke April 1, 2016 at 14:47

        Haha. I could see that, too.

      • 75 PorterGirl April 1, 2016 at 15:51

        Maybe everyone should say it at once.

      • 76 Professor VJ Duke April 3, 2016 at 20:42

        In chorus!

      • 77 PorterGirl April 4, 2016 at 09:43


      • 78 Professor VJ Duke April 4, 2016 at 15:06

        Capital, capital.

  10. 79 Debbie March 24, 2016 at 18:07

    That second bear looks like he’s angry the first bear got to that bowl of jam before he did!

    Good decision, sir, to return that thieved katana. I imagine that’s why we try to instill the virtues of honesty and generosity in our children…because nothing good comes from thieving. As I fear you’re about to find out — again!

    • 80 Professor VJ Duke March 25, 2016 at 18:37

      That’s jam? Are you sure it’s not blood?

      Well, I’m tricking PB into thinking it’s the real katana. It’s really not. Which is sorta cool. The professor is the most unscrupulous person you probably know. Well, maybe not. I’m unscrupulous every other day.

  11. 81 Heartafire March 24, 2016 at 17:42

    Clara, Gertrude…are we back in the 50’s? I wanted to be named Gertrude but was warned I would never catch a man with that moniker. One must “catch” a man or join a nunnery or cannery, shave ones head and all that.
    I’m glad you gave us a synopsis of the happenings up to date as I was totally lost. I’m totally back on board now.

    • 82 Professor VJ Duke March 25, 2016 at 18:35

      But did you want to catch a man? If the professor was a girl, he might not want to catch a man, see. Maybe just throw one out a window. Maybe. Now what about Clara?

      This story has seriously been going on for ages, wouldn’t you say.

      • 83 Heartafire March 25, 2016 at 20:00

        Throw them out the window. I l like that plan! I can’t put your story down , it’s like War And Peace. :). Happy Easter!

      • 84 Professor VJ Duke March 28, 2016 at 14:06

        Except there’s no peace or passion, is there?

      • 85 Heartafire March 28, 2016 at 16:03

        Well, at least it’s not that long, but there is war in the name of peace! I like that saying.

      • 86 Professor VJ Duke March 29, 2016 at 12:57

        Me too, I think. That means wars are peaceful.

  12. 87 FictionFan March 24, 2016 at 16:50

    Schwarzy!! Oh, how I’ve missed him!! Isn’t he just so eloquent? And beautifully green! My sweetie pumpkin pie!! *swoons a bit*

    I must admit to the teensiest bit of disappointment though – I was so hoping the Professor was the top bear, ‘cos you have to admit he’s cute, adorable, cuddly, fluffy AND warrior-like! Are you quite sure he’s not you? *clasps hands together in girlish hope*

    I’m very glad that despite your rudeness to Clara, you’re going to follow her advice anyway. She may be an annoying little whippersnapper but she is female after all, so bound to be right! #GoGirls Just try not to flirt with her for once… *glares warningly*

    • 88 Professor VJ Duke March 25, 2016 at 18:31

      Oh. He is green. That’s your fav! Didn’t even think on that. What a cool coincidence.

      *laughs victoriously* Haha, see?! I’m not c&a. I’m just a big, brown, mean, ugly bear. That chap on the bottom.

      Now, here’s the thing: I can’t really tell if you’re on her side or not. The professor lives a rude life. I was trained in the art by the beetle family, you know.

      • 89 FictionFan March 25, 2016 at 23:14

        He probably made himself green when he learned I liked it – that’s the sweet adorable kind of thing my little sweetiepie would do! *has a short but satisfying daydream*

        Of course, the one on the bottom is kinda cute too – and soooo cuddly. In fact, he’s so big and furry, one might almost call him snuggly…

        Can’t stand her – lopsided-haired, punctuationless bimbette who keeps flirting with my Professor! But that’s no reason to be rude to her… stamping on her toes would be sufficient.

      • 90 Professor VJ Duke March 28, 2016 at 14:08

        *laughs* Of course he would! Who am I to doubt that? Maybe, too, I just decided to make him green for kicks and giggles and whatnot.

        No, no, dadblameit! You’re cheating now. No cheating! That’s cheating. Rats. No cheating. You said he was gory already. No going back, madam.

        Haha. She doesn’t flirt with me! I think she hates me. Bimbette is rather a cool word.

      • 91 FictionFan March 29, 2016 at 17:41

        Oh, you’re always trying to imply that you have some influence over my Schwarzy, but you can’t fool me…!

        But snuggly’s such a great word! I must use it more often… *gazes at the Prof speculatively*

        Ah, she’s just trying to hide her feelings…

      • 92 Professor VJ Duke March 30, 2016 at 13:09

        Well, that’s the thing: You’re probably right. I only have influence over turtles, toads, and spies.

        Yes…when you’re talking about a pillow, maybe. But definitely no the professor. I’m spiky not snuggly.

        Really? I’ll fetch her out on it, then.

  13. 93 desertdweller29 March 24, 2016 at 15:54

    I say there was thieving all around. I wonder if Gertrude is marrying for the Diamond of Drake? I think she’s the smartest thief in the bunch… However, she’d have to marry for it. I wonder if the brute is worth it…. Maybe she’s a Real Housewife of the Punchy Lands.

    • 94 Professor VJ Duke March 25, 2016 at 18:28

      A real housewife…what’s that? Wait. It’s a TV show right? Gertrude just might be. I think PB likes Clara now, too.

  14. 95 Lady Dunamis March 24, 2016 at 15:24

    That bear though….lol 🙈

    I was almost dismayed by that amazingly long run on sentence, and was wondrously concerned that you fell off the literary band wagon. But with twists and a drip of peppermint tea, I eventually understood what you were doing. Whew! What a relief.

    • 96 Professor VJ Duke March 25, 2016 at 18:28

      I would hang a bear like that in my window.

      Well, it wasn’t me that said that. It was Clara. Girls don’t use periods when they have speaks, don’t you know.

      • 97 Lady Dunamis March 25, 2016 at 19:12

        As for the best, I believe you.

        That’s racist against women. I think the Donald is rubbing off on you. 😂 I’m telling Ted Cruz on you!

      • 98 Professor VJ Duke March 28, 2016 at 14:03

        *laughs* I bet Ted and I would get on swell. We’d make lovely things together. Like muffins, for instance.

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Depends on the day, see.

Punchy Argot:

1. Dadblameit.
2. Humdinger
3. Chickit
4. Chicky-woot-woot
5. Malediction
6. Rapscallion
7. Gardoobled
8. Congratulilolations
9. Togoggin
10. Gargonic
11. Two and Five Gurgles
12. Rats and a Heifer
13. Two nods, a wink, and an astroid
14. A bit, bits, and little bits
15. Huff-Hum and a Roar
16. So many thanks, I can't begin to thank you
17. Ri-do-diculous


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