Katana Returned

We all adopt truth as our own, mold it, make it, and try to totally dominate it. But truth is as unmovable as…the most unmoving thing you can’t think of.

V. Shnodgrate, Renowned PL Poet

UntitledWe all stopped, the sudden.

Like penguins before jumping onto a sea cow.


Prince Beef must’ve been in the middle of a long speech, for his hand was outstretched as if it was flying about making one of his dull points seem sharper.

He also seemed quite perturbed at being interrupted.

Clara and Gertrude were standing in front of him. Gertrude’s blond hair was in weird braids, I must admit. Almost like a Viking might do. Clara’s black or brown hair was all off to the side, as usual.

“What is the meaning of this?!” Prince Beef spitted, spluttered, and yelled.

We did make quite a racket coming in.

“I’ll tell you what!” Schwarz Tauptinker said, brandishing his new katana about. “I…I…brought this back for you, your highness!”

And he dropped to a knee.

Parker and I shared a look of surprise.

“Good for you, my man,” the prince said haughtily, and a little less angrily.

Then he snapped his fingers twice.

The katana was retrieved from Schwarz and brought to the prince. He inspected it once, twice, thrice, then threw it over his head.

“Toasty,” he said to a fellow who stepped up, “call Fats Henry. See if he’ll still get the Diamond of Drake for the katana.”

Toasty bowed and left–with the katana.

“You know, Schwarz,” the prince said as he began to pace about upon his raised dias–he was on one, by the way, “I’m quite fond of what you just did. Bringing the sword all the way back like this. It shows loyalty. That’s what I like about your sister, too.” He looked at Gertrude here.

“That’s chicky,” Schwarz said, obviously condoning the marriage.

“But…” the prince trailed off. “That’s what makes life so hard. Because how can I choose between your sister and this girl, Clara?”

Shocked. Deep. Down. To. My. Bones.

At least I think I was.

Prince Beef liked Clara?

Had to figure out more, but Bud Parker beat me to it.

“You have two girlfriends, bud?” he asked.

Prince Beef shot him a red-eyed, evil look.

Sorta like this.

Sorta like this.

“How dare you insult me, you mad toad?!” he declared.

Good name calling, I thought.

Parker shrugged. “Like I care.”

“Imbecile!” the prince shouted. “I can’t wed both! I must choose!”

He then became softer.

“Ahh, Gertrude,” he said, “my first love.” He ran his hands through her hair.

Looked like he was searching for mice, in truth. I imagine that’s how it’s done, anyways and some.

Then he turned to Clara.

“And Clara,” he said, “ever since you fell on your knees before me and declared him”–he pointed to this professor here–“to be a liar and cheat…I’ve loved you. What is a prince supposed to do when he falls for two women?”

And Prince Beef collapsed onto his thrown, exhausted.

Clara just stood there, all stiff like. She was definitely cranky. Gertrude looked upset.

“Dadblame all this dadblamery,” I said. “I’m outta here.”


Things happened.

And rather quickly too.

Schwarz rose up on his feet.

“How dare you!” he yelled in a high-pitched voice. “I’ll kill you!”

“Schwarz, no!” Gertrude said.

Prince Beef looked up. “Oh, guards, arrest everyone. I’m tired of the whole lot.”

Schwarz charged the prince, but the guards stopped him.

There was a fight.

I joined in.

Just because.

Fights are fun, see.

PL Symbol


92 Responses to “Katana Returned”

  1. 1 Lady Dunamis April 17, 2016 at 15:53

    Leave it to PVJ to turn a love scene into a comedic/dramatic/horror filled moment. Good job mate!

    • 2 Professor VJ Duke April 18, 2016 at 12:46

      *laughs* Why do you always see right through me?

      • 3 Lady Dunamis April 18, 2016 at 17:07


      • 4 Professor VJ Duke April 19, 2016 at 13:01

        That face. It looks like it’s screaming.

      • 5 Lady Dunamis April 19, 2016 at 13:23

        No, that’s me showing you my grill…lol!

      • 6 Professor VJ Duke April 20, 2016 at 12:25

        *holds ears*

  2. 7 Sonya Solomonovich April 13, 2016 at 12:24

    Wow, that was quite a development. Though you may scoff at romance, you write a really good one! But does Clara even like Prince Beef? It seems like she doesn’t.
    That penguin is so awesome! Penguins have been on my mind lately, believe it or not.

    • 8 Professor VJ Duke April 13, 2016 at 13:59

      I bet Clara is being forced into it. Why thank you, but then again the professor can never fall in love, right?

      Really? Penguins are awesome, I must admit.

      • 9 Sonya Solomonovich April 13, 2016 at 17:53

        Is Prince Beef not very handsome? I kind of pictured him being handsome.
        There are no guarantees when it comes to love. Is the professor quite terrified of falling in love?
        I recently learned the portuguese word for penguin is ‘pinguim’ and I love saying it or shouting it like a battle cry: Peeeengueeem!

      • 10 Professor VJ Duke April 14, 2016 at 13:35

        Oh he is…in a lady’s sort of way, if you know what I mean.

        Yes! But then again, since I”m heartless, I doubt I ever will, you know.

        Haha. That’s cool. Now I”ll say it, too, if you don’t mind.

      • 11 Sonya Solomonovich April 14, 2016 at 17:36

        I see, he is pretty rather than handsome?
        I know you’re heartless, professor, but then how does your blood flow throughout your body?
        Yes, please do say it! That would be awesome.

      • 12 Professor VJ Duke April 15, 2016 at 13:02

        Yes, yes! That’s it exactly. *nods lots*

        Well…well…what do you have to go and ask hard questions for? Dadblameit.

        I will say it muchly much.

  3. 13 Simply Skeptical April 12, 2016 at 22:03

    Schwarz protecting his sister? Really?? I never thought him such a protective family man. And about the sea cow I believe I would have behaved in a similar manner should a penquin jump on my stomach in the middle of a snooze. Poor chap! Hilarious vid though.

    • 14 Professor VJ Duke April 13, 2016 at 13:49

      Haha, isn’t it? Now, now, Schwarz does rank high in the protective instinct. You should know this, see.

  4. 15 Debbie April 12, 2016 at 19:43

    I knew that Clara was up to no good — trying to oust Gertrude from her rightful place beside the Prince’s throne! Such a nasty thing to do. Guess she figures all’s fair in love and war. Seems to me the Prince has enough worries without either of these two lasses. Ooh, and now there’s a real fight going on — glad you’ve jumped in, Professor! Here, hand me a weapon and I’ll help, too!

    • 16 Professor VJ Duke April 13, 2016 at 13:46

      Well, you know, I’m not sure she wants to. It looks like–to this professor–that she’s being forced into things! Now I’m in a fight and probably going to the dungeon. Oh goody! *hands Debbie a pocket knife* That’s all I have, see.

      • 17 Debbie April 13, 2016 at 13:56

        Yikes, now I’ll have to get close to your attackers…unless I’m willing to throw that knife and hope it hits somebody!

      • 18 Professor VJ Duke April 13, 2016 at 14:00

        Would you rather a pike?

      • 19 Debbie April 13, 2016 at 14:07

        Yes, please!!

      • 20 Professor VJ Duke April 14, 2016 at 13:31

        *gives Debbie 8 foot pike* Be careful, I do think this one weighs half a ton.

  5. 21 FictionFan April 12, 2016 at 19:41

    Ohhhhh, Schwarzy! Such a hero to stand up for his sister like that! *clasps hands together adoringly (and probably adorably)* I hope Beef marries Clara – they deserve each other. What a pity her hair is so dirty you can’t even be sure of the colour. Perhaps it’s really blonde underneath all the grime. Who’s side are you fighting on? It better be Schwarzy’s… *glares menacingly*

    The penguin thingy is so wonderful! I’m trying desperately to think of what you must have been searching for when you stumbled across that image…

    • 22 Professor VJ Duke April 13, 2016 at 13:45

      Yes, but then again, Schwarz did steal my sword. Then again, it doesn’t seem like PB cares about it anymore, which means I’m sorta free to go. I’m conflicted. But I had to join the fight. I think I’ll fight everyone. Looks like I’m going to jail again. Will you please bust me out?

      *laughs* Not sure you wanna know…

      • 23 FictionFan April 14, 2016 at 13:43

        Your sword? I vaguely seem to remember that you may have inadvertently borrowed it without permission yourself, sir! Nah, I think I’ll leave you in there for a while. Just till Clara’s safely married off to someone else… *puts Schwarzy in the jail too, just to be on the safe side*

        *laughs nervously* Perhaps not…

      • 24 Professor VJ Duke April 15, 2016 at 12:49

        You won’t bust me out? *heartbroken* Then again, I can probably get out. I’ll have to trick someone for the keys. You know, like a guard or something. I’m dastardly that way. No one likes Clara! Except PB. I’m heartless, remember, so no worries.

        My mind is an interesting place.

      • 25 FictionFan April 15, 2016 at 17:03

        Well… if you promise you’ll stay away from the lopsided one, then I might bust you out… in a while. I think she’s bewitched PB, but better that he marries her than that my Schwarzy should end up related to him. *nods decidedly*

        Yes! Like an encyclopedia of all the things people don’t know they want to know! *gazes admiringly*

      • 26 Professor VJ Duke April 18, 2016 at 12:37

        Okay. But you have to bust me out now. That’s the agreement, see. Right now. *nods twice*

        *laughs* Wow. That sorta makes me feel special.

      • 27 FictionFan April 18, 2016 at 16:20

        Deal! *blows up the door with dynamite* Are you OK?

        *laughs* You are!

      • 28 Professor VJ Duke April 19, 2016 at 12:57

        Well. My legs. I can’t feel them, but what the heck? I say I’m fine!

        Nah. I’m a toad and half worm.

      • 29 FictionFan April 19, 2016 at 15:56

        Oh, since you don’t dance your legs aren’t really much use anyway – you don’t need them!

        Which half?

      • 30 Professor VJ Duke April 20, 2016 at 12:35

        But…what about volleyball, football, and jits, and boxing? And all that ghastly stuff?

        Well, it’s just…combined, see.

      • 31 FictionFan April 20, 2016 at 19:45

        We can attach you to a spacehopper! Think what an advantage the ability to bounce will give you…

        Euwww! *shudders*

      • 32 Professor VJ Duke April 21, 2016 at 13:25

        Hahaha. No. I refuse, the sudden. *nods vehemently*

        told you I was filthy!

  6. 33 walt walker April 12, 2016 at 16:53

    I like fights, the sudden. I’ll join in too. *grabs folding chair*

    • 34 Professor VJ Duke April 13, 2016 at 13:44

      Let’s fight back to back like the Jedi in Attack of the Clones.

  7. 35 Heartafire April 12, 2016 at 16:46

    laughs out loud. Clara, Gertrude…how is a chap to choose? Clara Beef, I like the sound of that.

    • 36 Professor VJ Duke April 13, 2016 at 13:43

      Choose by name. Not a bad option. Now…who would you choose if you were PB?

      • 37 Heartafire April 13, 2016 at 15:03

        Well, now I don’t know. I would probably choose the best cook.

      • 38 Professor VJ Duke April 14, 2016 at 13:32

        What would you do with him, tho?

      • 39 Heartafire April 14, 2016 at 13:37

        put an apron on him and hand him a pot.

      • 40 Professor VJ Duke April 14, 2016 at 13:39

        And a spoon!

  8. 41 John W. Howell April 12, 2016 at 15:51

    Glad to see you didn’t just stand around.

    • 42 Professor VJ Duke April 13, 2016 at 13:42

      Now do I ever do that?

      • 43 John W. Howell April 13, 2016 at 19:09

        Well you don’t and in this case you didn’t and besides you can’t

      • 44 Professor VJ Duke April 14, 2016 at 13:37

        Well, I could. What if my legs stopped moving, for instance?

      • 45 John W. Howell April 14, 2016 at 18:39


      • 46 Professor VJ Duke April 15, 2016 at 13:04

        Humph. Can’t I just die?

      • 47 John W. Howell April 15, 2016 at 13:13

        No way.

      • 48 Professor VJ Duke April 18, 2016 at 12:27

        Life cheats on me all the time. The two timer.

  9. 49 L. Marie April 12, 2016 at 14:09

    So I guess neither Clara nor Gertrude has any say in the matter? If I were either of them, I would be out of there. That would be MY choice.

    Clara seems a bit snakelike too. I’ll bet that reptilian eye is like hers. Also, when I saw the sea cow, I thought of her too.

    I’m proud of Schwarz for at standing up for his sister. (At least I assume that’s why he threatened Prince Beef.)

    • 50 Professor VJ Duke April 13, 2016 at 13:42

      That would be the right choice, too. Nah, I think they’re being held captive. Like two crickets. Of course, if this professor was a hero, I’d bust them out. But I’m not, of course. I’m wicked.

      *laughs* I say, you hate her a bit, don’t you?

      No, that is it exactly. But I’m sure he’ll get his head lopped off now.

      • 51 L. Marie April 13, 2016 at 17:41

        She’s not my favorite, I’ll tell you what (as Schwarz would say). She’s the right person for Prince Beef.

      • 52 Professor VJ Duke April 14, 2016 at 13:34

        *laughs* Getting that Schwarz speak down very well! I think you could be right.

  10. 53 Freakishly Fangirlish April 12, 2016 at 13:59

    Now that is an evil snake eye!

    • 54 Professor VJ Duke April 13, 2016 at 13:39

      Isn’t it, tho? Hide your eyes!

      • 55 Freakishly Fangirlish April 13, 2016 at 17:27

        I’m pretty blind anyway. I can just take my glasses off :P

      • 56 Professor VJ Duke April 14, 2016 at 13:34

        Aha! That’s a good spy technique…but still, how can I be sure?

      • 57 Freakishly Fangirlish April 14, 2016 at 17:18

        You never can be.

      • 58 Professor VJ Duke April 15, 2016 at 13:01

        Huff-Hum to you then!

      • 59 Freakishly Fangirlish April 15, 2016 at 13:42


      • 60 Professor VJ Duke April 18, 2016 at 12:29

        That’s a weird looking word.

      • 61 Freakishly Fangirlish April 18, 2016 at 16:32

        I’ve always thought that too, but it is rather fun to say XD

      • 62 Professor VJ Duke April 19, 2016 at 12:58

        *says it bunches* I think you’re right.

      • 63 Freakishly Fangirlish April 19, 2016 at 17:23


      • 64 Professor VJ Duke April 20, 2016 at 12:42

        Now that just looks like ‘touch’.

      • 65 Freakishly Fangirlish April 20, 2016 at 15:08

        Ugh. My computer won’t make the dash above the e!!!

      • 66 Professor VJ Duke April 21, 2016 at 13:12

        Isn’t that annoying? Throw it out of the window, I say.

      • 67 Freakishly Fangirlish April 21, 2016 at 14:16

        I would, only it’s not really mine XD

      • 68 Professor VJ Duke April 25, 2016 at 13:17

        Hahaha. I mean, don’t do it! I’m full of bad advice, see.

      • 69 Freakishly Fangirlish April 25, 2016 at 17:25

        Haha, you really are! Telling me to wrestle my cat! Ha!

      • 70 Professor VJ Duke April 26, 2016 at 13:35

        Well, you could tackle if that’s better. #GoodAdvice

  11. 71 PorterGirl April 12, 2016 at 13:37

    Well, well – Prince Beef is a sly old fox! Two girlfriends! That can only cause trouble, I would say. I wouldn’t be surprised if they both upped and left him. But then he is a Prince, so maybe the ladies don’t mind too much when royalty is involved. Having never been romantically involved with royalty, I couldn’t possibly say.
    In other news – that penguin is a sprightly fellow, isn’t he! I suspect he wanted to battle that sea cow thing but the bugger was too fat to get up. A wonder.

    • 72 Professor VJ Duke April 13, 2016 at 13:38

      Oh, if they’re sensible they won’t let the royalty get to their heads. Now, he maybe be forcing them to stay. I can see that, double-see.

      Can you believe he hopped right up? A wonder.

      • 73 PorterGirl April 13, 2016 at 13:40

        Goodness, royal romances are complicated. I am striking princes and the like right off my list.
        He is very brave indeed – the ladies should consider him as a suitor instead.

      • 74 Professor VJ Duke April 13, 2016 at 14:00

        I wonder how good a suitor a penguin would make. Probably not too good. Tho, they do go through lots for their lady friends, you know. Romances are awful. *gags*

      • 75 PorterGirl April 13, 2016 at 14:07

        Do they now? I bet their breath smells of fish. But that could be overlooked if they are good to their ladies. Bugger it. I’ll stick to wine. Or whiskey, if I must.

      • 76 Professor VJ Duke April 14, 2016 at 13:30

        But they do have very powerful beaks, which is an interest, you must admit.

      • 77 PorterGirl April 14, 2016 at 14:21

        It is indeed. I bet that comes in very useful, you know.

      • 78 Professor VJ Duke April 15, 2016 at 12:55

        For plucking mushrooms, probably.

      • 79 PorterGirl April 16, 2016 at 07:45

        I wonder what an arctic mushroom is like…

      • 80 Professor VJ Duke April 18, 2016 at 12:45

        Maybe a bit icy?

      • 81 PorterGirl April 18, 2016 at 13:13

        Probably so, yes!

      • 82 Professor VJ Duke April 19, 2016 at 12:54

        And no taste.

      • 83 PorterGirl April 19, 2016 at 13:21

        Or sense.

      • 84 Professor VJ Duke April 20, 2016 at 12:24

        I might taste it.

      • 85 PorterGirl April 20, 2016 at 12:26

        Oh yes! Do it.

      • 86 Professor VJ Duke April 20, 2016 at 12:48

        It was awful. Not recommended.

      • 87 PorterGirl April 20, 2016 at 13:22

        Oh. Well – that is duly noted.

      • 88 Professor VJ Duke April 21, 2016 at 13:00

        But I bet you’re going to try it anyway.

      • 89 PorterGirl April 22, 2016 at 07:42

        Of course. You know me too well.

      • 90 Professor VJ Duke April 25, 2016 at 13:35

        Make sure to just do a little bit.

      • 91 PorterGirl April 25, 2016 at 14:01

        Teeny tiny. Promise.

      • 92 Professor VJ Duke April 26, 2016 at 13:20

        That’ll be perfect.

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Depends on the day, see.

Punchy Argot:

1. Dadblameit.
2. Humdinger
3. Chickit
4. Chicky-woot-woot
5. Malediction
6. Rapscallion
7. Gardoobled
8. Congratulilolations
9. Togoggin
10. Gargonic
11. Two and Five Gurgles
12. Rats and a Heifer
13. Two nods, a wink, and an astroid
14. A bit, bits, and little bits
15. Huff-Hum and a Roar
16. So many thanks, I can't begin to thank you
17. Ri-do-diculous


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