Attacked & Counterattack



So, the professor gets attacked sometimes.

This is one such story, see.

I was sitting at a table, minding my own business.

Professorish business, see. I was probably doodling. That’s what I do when I’m rather bored, and I get rather bored sitting at this table sometimes.

People were talking all about me and whatnot. I zoned out.

To the doodling world.

No, I can't doodle like this, I fear.

No, I can’t doodle like this, I fear.

I think I was drawling some sort of square when it happened:

An older chap and his wife sat down across from me.

Professor’s thoughts at the moment: Oh no. I’m in trouble. Gotta eject. But there was no eject button, see.

I thought about making a run for it.

No, too many people about.

I thought about making an excuse.

But it was too late.

They spoke too quickly.

“Hey,” the fellow said.

I gave him the professor stare. I’ve been told it could crumple steel. #Power

Didn’t seem to work.

“We have a question for you,” the wife said. With a giggle.

Make that two giggles.

“Do you like older women?” she blurted out.

Now, this professor being the sly fox he is…



…knew exactly where this was going.

And I didn’t want any of it, see. Girlfriends are trouble, double-see.

So, I decided to get mean.

I’m mean sometimes, you know.

Sometimes so mean I even scare myself.

Me being filthy mean.

Me being filthy mean.

“Why?” I began. “You two aren’t getting a divorce, are you?”

You know, the fellow had to be taking a sip from his coffee at the exact moment I said that, didn’t he?


He sorta spit it out.

On me.

I was even crankier.

“Oh no we’re not!” the woman said. “Why would we be doing that?”

“Not sure,” I said. “Could be many reasons. So many reasons, in fact. Some reasons, even, I don’t want to have thinks on. But I’ll tell you this…”

And the professor looked at the woman.

“…if you do decide to get a divorce, you can do better than me, though. I’m a horrid orc. So, even though you are older than me–way older–that wouldn’t be the problem, see. We’re just not right for each other.”

That fetched them.

The fellow: “You disgusting little…”

The woman: “How could you…?!”

I went back to doodling.

The woman: “You know, I always thought you were so…so…sweet, too.”

“Check it out,” I said, looking up, “I think someone way over there–so far over there, in fact, that we won’t be able to see each other if you go–wants to have speaks with you. Quickly, don’t disappoint.”

They both rose.

Yes! #ProfessorWins

“Well,” the fellow said, “this isn’t the end of this story. We’ll need to report this, you know. We were going to say our niece–who might be older than you–would make you a great girlfriend. Glad we didn’t, though. There’s something wrong with you.”

And they left.

Moral: Don’t do such things in a Bible Study.

Lesson: Not Learned


101 Responses to “Attacked & Counterattack”

  1. 1 erinkenobi2893 June 16, 2016 at 21:19

    I think you dodged a bullet, there, Professor! Girlfriends are a risky business.

    • 2 Professor VJ Duke June 17, 2016 at 14:51

      I think I did, too! Goodness. I’ve heard it’s all risk. Same with boyfriends, I”ve heard.

      • 3 erinkenobi2893 June 17, 2016 at 18:08


      • 4 Professor VJ Duke June 21, 2016 at 13:02

        A great word

      • 5 erinkenobi2893 June 21, 2016 at 18:08


  2. 6 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister May 26, 2016 at 21:21

    Wish I had some sound advice for you, Duketh. Smile and say no, thank you. Could start there. You always get yourself into trouble. And most men date women younger than they are, I think.

    • 7 Professor VJ Duke June 6, 2016 at 14:51

      I know. But still, that really doesn’t matter in the scheme of things. But still! I was just sitting there. *growls*

  3. 8 Lady Dunamis May 23, 2016 at 20:57

    #pvj #trouble #dudethatmoralwasagoodone 😂

    • 9 Professor VJ Duke May 24, 2016 at 12:43

      *laughs* Hey! I can’t be trouble. Look here, Lady, I was clearly attacked first.

  4. 10 Freakishly Fangirlish May 20, 2016 at 12:59

    It makes me suspicious that you are always “minding your own business” when people attack you and the like… you must have one of those trustworthy faces or something.

    • 11 Professor VJ Duke May 20, 2016 at 14:33

      *laughs* Well, it’s not like I do anything. Should I just maybe get a more cranky demeanor? That might do it, you know. Or, I could carry scissors and attack people when they come by! Their hair, that is

      • 12 Freakishly Fangirlish May 20, 2016 at 14:36

        If you touch my hair…

      • 13 Professor VJ Duke May 20, 2016 at 14:38

        I wouldn’t! But you wouldn’t attack me either. You’d probably sit down and doodle with me and Mr. Walt. (He would sit and doodle too, he said.) I only cut off hair of people I must attack

      • 14 Freakishly Fangirlish May 20, 2016 at 16:47

        I do attack people sometimes, but normally only with hugs, in which case that would be more of a gentle assault.

      • 15 Professor VJ Duke May 23, 2016 at 13:20

        Oh no. That’s like the perfect attack, too. I’d run.

      • 16 Freakishly Fangirlish May 23, 2016 at 13:59

        You would? Oh, that’s rather mean of you. That means I would have to chase… *sigh*

      • 17 Professor VJ Duke May 24, 2016 at 12:42

        Chase? Goodness. Then I’d…hide!

      • 18 Freakishly Fangirlish May 24, 2016 at 17:28

        Ha, silly, you can’t hide from me *evil echoing laugh*

      • 19 Professor VJ Duke May 25, 2016 at 13:16

        I’ll shrink then go under a rock. #perfect

      • 20 Freakishly Fangirlish May 25, 2016 at 13:43

        Oh dear… who told you about my terrible eyesight?!?

      • 21 Professor VJ Duke May 26, 2016 at 14:04

        You did, of course!

      • 22 Freakishly Fangirlish May 26, 2016 at 20:55

        Did I? Hmm.

      • 23 Professor VJ Duke June 6, 2016 at 14:49

        I’ll forget about it, tho, if you insist.

  5. 24 Simply Skeptical May 20, 2016 at 10:21

    Handled stupendously! Why is it when someone is quite content with their situation someone or two think otherwise? OR it was not you of whom they were thinking, but rather themselves and their niece? You’ll have that you know. Thank goodness, once again, for your Professorish wisdom. Three to four or more cheers!

    • 25 Professor VJ Duke May 20, 2016 at 14:32

      Haha. Why thank you! Next time, I’m going to tackle them.

  6. 26 walt walker May 20, 2016 at 01:31

    Well, you dispatched them magnificently, I say. They were offsides with their inquiries and such. All while you were doodling. Why can’t a fellow doodle in peace anymore? Must he wear a big hat and sunglasses? An invisibility cloak?

    • 27 Professor VJ Duke May 20, 2016 at 14:30

      Maybe i should! See, if you were there with me, doodling, you know, I would’ve had you deal with them. I think you would’ve done it way better than me, you know. I bet you would have even been respectful.

      • 28 walt walker May 20, 2016 at 23:50

        Well, that would be boring, though.

      • 29 Professor VJ Duke May 23, 2016 at 13:25

        Oh! You might’ve thrown the boomerang at them, then. Cool

  7. 30 John W. Howell May 19, 2016 at 20:35

    Yeah, bible study is the place to behave oneself. No matter. You didn’t need a girlfriend anyway. All works for the best. Better put some club soda on that coffee stain.

    • 31 Professor VJ Duke May 20, 2016 at 14:29

      Are girlfriends trouble, John? Yes, I’m struggling with this stain right now. Grr.

      • 32 John W. Howell May 20, 2016 at 20:53

        Girl friends are trouble. Burn the shirt.

      • 33 Professor VJ Duke May 23, 2016 at 13:23

        Hahahaha. Okay then. Do you have a torch?

  8. 34 Heartafire May 19, 2016 at 17:37

    First off, I would definitely make a hasty retreat if someone sat at my table to chat. Thirdly, run away from any “set-up” with nieces, cousins, sons, daughters, acquaintances, you will regret it big time, good decision Prof.

    • 35 Professor VJ Duke May 20, 2016 at 14:27

      Ooo really? How come, Hollie?

      • 36 Heartafire May 20, 2016 at 14:36

        I think they want to set you up…that never turns out well.

      • 37 Professor VJ Duke May 20, 2016 at 14:38

        Can you kill them for me?

      • 38 Heartafire May 20, 2016 at 14:54

        It seems the only thing to do so ok.

      • 39 Professor VJ Duke May 23, 2016 at 13:16


      • 40 Heartafire May 23, 2016 at 13:17

        don’t be afraid

      • 41 Professor VJ Duke May 23, 2016 at 13:25

        Are you sure?

  9. 42 Haylee May 19, 2016 at 16:37

    Firstly, I was so amazed by your artistic talent (and its rapid loss once I scrolled) that I almost didn’t fully read the tale!
    I think you dodged a bullet because a) they clearly had no sense of humour and it may run in the family and b) if they’re setting up family members you’re in danger of them being interfering know-it-alls. For future reference, I find headphones and sunglasses are good deterrents for being left alone. Or you could surround yourself with protective fire! Cosy and practical :)

    • 43 Professor VJ Duke May 20, 2016 at 14:26

      *laughs* I wish I could doodle like that, okay?! Maybe you can teach me…?

      Good point. I bet the whole fam is humorless. Great idea! I’ll get sunglasses and headphones. And maybe even pierce my lip. I bet that will work. Bet you anything. Or, if you find that were wolf…have him bite me, please. #cool

      • 44 Haylee May 20, 2016 at 14:39

        I wish I could doodle like that too! I tend to just draw trees and vines, I’m not very inventive.
        If a werewolf bit you, you’d surely just become more attractive, thanks those ripped/tanned werefolk in that film with the glistening vampires? Even Disney fairytales have made girls love a good beast!
        Perhaps you could keep him as a pet and have him growl menacingly at would-be matchmakers?!

      • 45 Professor VJ Duke May 23, 2016 at 13:15

        Hey, vines are cool. All weird shapes and whatnot. I draw bad squares and horrid circles.

        That’s cool!! I could definitely do that. Yeah…but if I became one, I’d have to eat people. Imagine that!!

      • 46 Haylee May 23, 2016 at 13:24

        You might be a very conscientious vegetarian werewolf… Or at least a carnivorous consumer of non-human meat!

      • 47 Professor VJ Duke May 23, 2016 at 13:26

        *laughing* You’re making me want to be a werewolf! I love it. Okay. Get me bit, then.

      • 48 Haylee May 23, 2016 at 13:28

        ‘My’ werewolf did actually tweet me… I’ll see if he fancies a trip across the Atlantic ;)

      • 49 Professor VJ Duke May 24, 2016 at 12:40

        He did?! Wow… *impressed* Yes, send him over, please

  10. 50 PorterGirl May 19, 2016 at 16:05

    I can’t believe the look didn’t work, dadblameit! What a bugger. And what an odd couple. Is this they way such things are done over your parts? *shudders*

    • 51 Professor VJ Duke May 20, 2016 at 14:24

      No! At least, I didn’t think so. But looky look! Can you believe it? Ghastly, I tell you. Very ghastly. Can you tackle them for me?

      • 52 PorterGirl May 20, 2016 at 15:26

        Of course I shall, Professor. You know I shall rescue you from any situation, no matter how ghastly or dadblamerous. What would you have me do? Some violence? Or something more cunning.

      • 53 Professor VJ Duke May 23, 2016 at 13:18

        How about violence–lots of it–and lots of cunning violence. That sounds pretty spicy. *nods*

      • 54 PorterGirl May 23, 2016 at 13:26

        Sounds like a great plan to me. I am pretty good at cunning violence. Leave it to me *nods*

      • 55 Professor VJ Duke May 23, 2016 at 13:27

        *fears the sudden*

      • 56 PorterGirl May 23, 2016 at 13:28

        *laughs* Don’t worry, I’ll be gentle. Violently gentle.

      • 57 Professor VJ Duke May 24, 2016 at 12:41

        Hm. That’s a new phrase, I suppose. A goodly one, too. I dig

      • 58 PorterGirl May 24, 2016 at 13:19

        In that case, I declare it a legitimate course of action. It’s quite a good one, I admit.

      • 59 Professor VJ Duke May 25, 2016 at 13:09

        Well, then, that’s decided. *nods and nods*

      • 60 PorterGirl May 25, 2016 at 13:30

        Great! I’ll get right to it!

      • 61 Professor VJ Duke May 26, 2016 at 14:02

        After a few naps, tho. I feel like a nap.

      • 62 PorterGirl May 27, 2016 at 06:33

        Okay then. Naps are good.

      • 63 Professor VJ Duke June 6, 2016 at 14:53

        I think I need 500 right now. It’s been a week.

      • 64 PorterGirl June 6, 2016 at 14:54

        Poor you! Have 501. Then eat something huge. That’s my advice.

      • 65 Professor VJ Duke June 6, 2016 at 15:01

        What’s 501?

      • 66 PorterGirl June 6, 2016 at 15:27

        Oh I meant 501 naps. That should do it.

      • 67 Professor VJ Duke June 7, 2016 at 13:15

        That reminds me of 101 Nights! It should be Knights, you know.

      • 68 PorterGirl June 7, 2016 at 13:31

        Imagine 101 knights! That would be great. As long as I didn’t have to make sandwiches for them all.

      • 69 Professor VJ Duke June 8, 2016 at 13:11

        Well, you might, after they had a battle. Imagine how hungry they’d be.

      • 70 PorterGirl June 8, 2016 at 13:31

        Might be easier to whip up a nice big curry instead. And then if they lose, there will be all the more for me! Dead knights don’t eat much, see.

      • 71 Professor VJ Duke June 9, 2016 at 16:57

        That’s true. They don’t eat at all, I’ll warrant. Great plan, I say

  11. 72 FictionFan May 19, 2016 at 15:43

    Poor Prof! I bet the niece was lovely too! I quite understand how the ancient old hag made the mistake though – sometimes you do give the impression of being quite sweet. Still, she knows better now, huh? Assuming her raddled old brain is still capable of assimilating information, that is. They really shouldn’t let them out of the old folks’ home… *stomps off*

    *stomps back* Oh, and drooling is definitely more fun than doodling, BTW, though decrepit old women, for your info, can do both simultaneously, even while stomping! *stomps off again*

    • 73 Professor VJ Duke May 20, 2016 at 14:22

      No you don’t! I bet she wasn’t. Haha. I had a pretty powerful counterattack, didn’t I? *proud* Hahahahahahaha. Look at you rip her! It’s deserved, tho. I think I’ll just hide. I’ll have to come up with something spicy.

      *laughs* Women can do lots of things at once, I’m told. Why are you stomping?

  12. 74 redhendrix May 19, 2016 at 15:34

    well done:p

    • 75 Professor VJ Duke May 20, 2016 at 14:20


      • 76 redhendrix May 20, 2016 at 14:31

        i’m automatically skeptical of anyone who thinks they’re doing me a favour. maybe they’ll think twice before imposing next time.

      • 77 Professor VJ Duke May 20, 2016 at 14:35

        Good for you! Brilliant, I say. I hope you’re right. I mean, doodling is a serious business, wouldn’t you say? Can’t bother a chap when he’s about that.

  13. 78 Debbie May 19, 2016 at 15:09

    You’re a sly one, Mr. Fox!! Nothing like openly admitting that you jumped to a silly conclusion without having all the facts at hand, then compounded the problem by being rude to folks who very might have have had someone nice for you to meet. MEET, not marry. There’s a difference, you know. All this said, I do understand your frustration! (Gee, who’d think of invading somebody’s personal space like this anyway??)

    • 79 Professor VJ Duke May 20, 2016 at 14:20

      Haha. But I make my living off being mean and creepy. And they’ve tried this before! Tis not fair, I tell you. Can I tackle? Maybe if I tackle and submit really quick, things will be more spicy. Next time, I could have Dallas bite them too. *considers*

      • 80 Debbie May 20, 2016 at 17:47

        Dallas isn’t a biter, Professor. But maybe one of your two beasties would do the trick — they, at least, have a ferocious look. But if they need help herding the offenders into a corner, Dallas would be your man!

      • 81 Professor VJ Duke May 23, 2016 at 13:21

        Perfect then! We could have him do that. And then train him to bite. Tho, I don’t think my dogs are biters either. What do they have that big mouth for if not to bite? Dadblameit.

  14. 82 Susan P May 19, 2016 at 14:50

    You stole my “Look” and I am going to sue. That is Sue’s stare. My lawyer will get with yours to see if this can be resolved.

    • 83 Professor VJ Duke May 20, 2016 at 14:18

      *laughs* You taught me! I was just…using it. Surely we don’t need to go to court? I’ll pay you royalties?

      • 84 Susan P May 20, 2016 at 19:01

        I will think about it. What will you offer?

      • 85 Professor VJ Duke May 23, 2016 at 13:21

        Two cherries?

      • 86 Susan P May 24, 2016 at 13:20

        Last of the big times spenders?

      • 87 Professor VJ Duke May 25, 2016 at 13:09

        *nods* That’s me

      • 88 Susan P May 25, 2016 at 13:13

        A frugal lad then. That is good. What do you do when you just can’t resist spending money?

      • 89 Professor VJ Duke May 25, 2016 at 13:20

        I…well…I get…I…go and throw knives.

      • 90 Susan P May 25, 2016 at 14:16

        There you are then.

      • 91 Professor VJ Duke May 26, 2016 at 14:08

        And it will be a thing.

      • 92 Susan P May 26, 2016 at 14:21

        What kind of thing? Bugles?

      • 93 Professor VJ Duke May 26, 2016 at 14:29

        I wish I had one of those.

      • 94 Susan P May 26, 2016 at 18:21

        I mean the snacks.

      • 95 Professor VJ Duke June 6, 2016 at 14:47

        Cashews are the best snacks.

      • 96 Susan P June 6, 2016 at 16:39

        They are indeed. Now you are making me hungry.

      • 97 Professor VJ Duke June 7, 2016 at 13:16

        *gives Susan a hoagie*

      • 98 Susan P June 7, 2016 at 14:08

        And it is gluten free! Good for you. How did you remember that?

      • 99 Professor VJ Duke June 8, 2016 at 13:13

        I remember everything. This *points at head* is an amazing thingy.

      • 100 Susan P June 8, 2016 at 13:35

        Everything? Dude.

      • 101 Professor VJ Duke June 9, 2016 at 16:58

        Well, all the wicked things mostly

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Depends on the day, see.

Punchy Argot:

1. Dadblameit.
2. Humdinger
3. Chickit
4. Chicky-woot-woot
5. Malediction
6. Rapscallion
7. Gardoobled
8. Congratulilolations
9. Togoggin
10. Gargonic
11. Two and Five Gurgles
12. Rats and a Heifer
13. Two nods, a wink, and an astroid
14. A bit, bits, and little bits
15. Huff-Hum and a Roar
16. So many thanks, I can't begin to thank you
17. Ri-do-diculous


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