Almost Crushed

Our greatest triumphs usually take place during our weakest moments.

V. Shnodgrate, Renowned PL Poet

UntitledSo, I’d been tranquilized slightly.

I say slightly ’cause this professor could feel everything but my legs and feet. Some feeling was coming back, though. But I was selfish, and wanted it all back.

The whole thing was demeaning, you know.

Anyways and some, Manly-Man and Daddy Salami had rescued me from the back of a van. (Remember, we’re stranded on Honi Planet, capital of the Honi Galaxy. That’s a no brainer, gee.)

Anyways and sums (I had to change it this time, see) Manly-Man and Daddy Salami were carrying me between them, down the busy city streets, dodging people here, there, and even some vehicles.

I swear I was almost crushed at a few points.

And this professor hardly swears when in trouble. Dadblameit.

We stopped in an alleyway.


“I need me a breather, curs,” Salami said, huffing and puffing.

“Okay,” Manly-Man said. “I could keep going, though, ’cause I’s so fancy.”

Salami looked at him. “Shut-up.”

“Look here, fellows,” I broke in, “can someone tell me what’s going on? Why was my intergalactic flight shot down?”

“I’ll tell yer why,” Salami wheezed. “You stole this”–he held up my can of cherries–“and the Honi government wants it back!”

“Give me my cherries, the sudden,” I said. And I said ‘the sudden’ part quickly, ’cause I hoped he’d give them fastly fast.

He didn’t.

“That’s why’s we’s leavin’, dude,” Manly-Man said. “I’s going to rocket outta here. Does you wanna come?”

No, of course not, I said, I must stay here and figure out things. I’m an epic spy slash super villain, after all. I shall get to the bottom of this! 

That’s what I thought would be cool to say.

What I actually said: “You got it, get me outta here.”

Let’s be real: I couldn’t feel my legs and I was in a foreign city. What was I going to actually figure out? Nothing, I tell you. Adventure had to wait.

I was like this dog: couldn't feel my legs.

I was like this dog: couldn’t feel my legs.

But that’s when things went south.

Salami went to throw my cherries onto the busy street…

…and I hollered…

…and I let out after them…

(Which, by the way, is a wonder, since I couldn’t feel my legs. Have I mentioned that yet? But I was able to propel myself.)

I fell right into the busy street.

A car stopped right in front of me.

Its breaks squealed.

I missed death by this much…

Ladies and gentlemen and Walt, that is my spirit animal.

Ladies and gentlemen and Walt, that is my spirit animal.

Now, I just laid there. And played dead. Maybe they’d go away. After all, I had the cherries.

Safe and sound.

The car doors opened.

And a VERY tall woman got out. She was in high heels, too, so she was epically tall.

A guy her same height got out of the passenger side.

He had blonde curls floating about his head. Like worms.

Something like this. This is actually a mossy slug, or something like that..

Something like this. This is actually a mossy slug, or something like that..

“Oh, look,” the woman said, in some sort of scary accent, “we almost crushed his life out.”

That was a thing. Thanks for not doing that.

I said nothing, though. Still playing dead.


She turned towards the fellow and hissed:

“Put him in the back. Quick.”

I was in trouble.

A glance about told me Manly-Man and Salami had deserted me.

I was in trouble.

But the cherries were nestled safely under my arm.

PL Symbol


60 Responses to “Almost Crushed”

  1. 1 Sonya Solomonovich October 18, 2016 at 16:25

    The professor still in trouble. Some things never change…

    • 2 Professor VJ Duke December 15, 2016 at 15:25

      I’ll never outgrow it will I…

  2. 3 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister August 18, 2016 at 03:55

    Sure hope you recover..those cherries are completely worth the struggle.
    My favorite PL Poet truly speaks to me this week.

    • 4 Professor VJ Duke August 18, 2016 at 13:53

      Isn’t he something? That dastardly beast.

      Even if they’re maraschino?

  3. 5 Jackie Brooks August 18, 2016 at 00:10

    Your spirit animal is cool!!

    • 6 Professor VJ Duke August 18, 2016 at 13:52

      Isn’t it awesome? I’m not sure what it’s capable of ,tho

      • 7 Jackie Brooks August 18, 2016 at 15:25

        Probably all sorts of wonderful things!

      • 8 Professor VJ Duke August 21, 2016 at 16:07

        I like wonderful things, mostly.

      • 9 Jackie Brooks August 21, 2016 at 16:09

        So do I! Wonderful things are what makes life punchalicious!

      • 10 Professor VJ Duke August 21, 2016 at 16:20

        Haha, yes! Righto n.

  4. 11 Lady Dunamis August 17, 2016 at 22:09

    In the famous words of Patrick Henry, “Give me cherries or give me death!”

    • 12 Professor VJ Duke August 18, 2016 at 13:52

      You must admire my integrity at the moment.

      • 13 Lady Dunamis August 18, 2016 at 14:42

        Yes, I can respect a man who will fight for his can of cherries.

      • 14 Professor VJ Duke August 21, 2016 at 16:07

        I’m a beast, aren’t I?

      • 15 Lady Dunamis August 21, 2016 at 20:26

        To the utmost!

  5. 16 L. Marie August 17, 2016 at 20:02

    Glad you got the cherries back. But two and five gurgles, you’re in a pickle. Aren’t the cherries considered a weapon? Time to use ’em!

    • 17 Professor VJ Duke August 18, 2016 at 13:51

      *laughs* Love the use of PA! Yes, good point! What will happen, do you suppose, if I open them?

  6. 18 John W. Howell August 17, 2016 at 19:21

    Let go of those darned cherries. Haven’t they gotten you into enough trouble?

    • 19 Professor VJ Duke August 18, 2016 at 13:51

      But don’t they have to be special cherries? Everyone wants them!

      • 20 John W. Howell August 18, 2016 at 14:20

        Big bunch of trouble I’s say.

      • 21 Professor VJ Duke August 21, 2016 at 16:06

        I do like that sound of that.

      • 22 John W. Howell August 21, 2016 at 20:49

        Notice everywhere those cherries go, trouble follows?

  7. 23 Debbie August 17, 2016 at 17:24

    Professor, is that can of cherries really worth the trouble? I mean, fresh cherries abound in groceries right now, and I’d think fresh trumps canned any day. Those poor dogs … both of them. One flat on its back, the other half-in and half-out of bed. Most uncomfortable, I’d think. Your spirit animal is a tomato worm???

    • 24 Professor VJ Duke August 18, 2016 at 13:48

      Well, yes! Everyone wants this one…doesn’t that make it rather special? You know it does! I feel bad for the dog with the legs, the other one is playing dead. Practicing his game, see. Rather bright of him. I practice all the time, too. What is a spirit animal exactly?

      • 25 Debbie August 18, 2016 at 18:48

        You don’t choose a spirit animal, from what I can tell, PVJ. A spirit animal chooses you! Here’s just one quiz that might help you find your real spirit animal (

      • 26 Professor VJ Duke August 21, 2016 at 16:17

        I must be honest, I’m too scared to take it! Why can’t I choose?

  8. 27 desertdweller29 August 17, 2016 at 16:08

    I’ve heard of death by chocolate, but cherries?! Ewwwww.

    • 28 Professor VJ Duke August 18, 2016 at 13:46

      Why don’t you love cherries? They’re red and sweet!

      • 29 desertdweller29 August 18, 2016 at 15:09

        Yuck! The very thought…. YUCK! I used to fling them out of my Shirley Temples. *stomps foot*

      • 30 Professor VJ Duke August 21, 2016 at 16:07

        WHAT? No! Madam, you may not do it anymore!

  9. 31 Freakishly Fangirlish August 17, 2016 at 16:01

    That dog looks like a human in a dog costume.

    • 32 Professor VJ Duke August 18, 2016 at 13:46

      I know, isn’t that the freakiest dog ever?

      • 33 Freakishly Fangirlish August 18, 2016 at 21:40

        It makes me want to push it off the bed and run away.

      • 34 Professor VJ Duke August 21, 2016 at 16:18

        I bet it’s possessed.

      • 35 Freakishly Fangirlish August 21, 2016 at 16:34

        Hmm, I bet so.

  10. 36 FictionFan August 17, 2016 at 15:32

    Shnoddy’s clearly been away too long – his brain’s rusted! *shakes head sadly*

    Well! I am super-impressed by DS and MM’s stamina! They’ve been carrying you now for what? About eight months? It must be an incredibly long street – you’d think they could have walked back to Earth by now! Probably sat-navs don’t work on Honi. I’m deeply concerned about your legs – how are you ever going to dance the flamenco if you can’t stand upright?

    Those wormy curls sounds hideously familiar! Could it be *quakes* that the supervillain is actually Kenny G?!?!?? *shudders* I hope he doesn’t torture you with his snorting superpowers…

    • 37 Professor VJ Duke August 18, 2016 at 13:44

      That made perfect sense to me last time I read it. But I forget what it is now, I must admit.

      MM has the stamina of a mountain! I haven’t been gone for 8 months…have I? No! What’s a sat nav? I don’t dance, remember. And…I just got caught in a knee-bar yesterday. I won’t be dancing anytime soon. My arm is also busted… *looks at the floppy thing*

      This is so wrong. But…that is a pretty cool idea. I’m sure Kenny wouldn’t mind starring in the story.

      • 38 FictionFan August 18, 2016 at 15:34

        It worries me when you think Shnoddy makes sense. Sometimes, it’s almost as if… nah! Couldn’t be!

        At LEAST eight months! Maybe ten!! Nearly forever! Oh, I do wish you would learn to speak English! GPS, maybe? *nods sadly* Not with me, anyway, philanderer. Now, look here, you must stop getting damaged like this! Especially the Professorial arms – you need them for guitar-playing purposes! Your legs – well, if they get broken I suppose that wouldn’t be such a problem…

        Yes, he could be the one who gets marmalised by MM… *cheerfully awaits his demise*

      • 39 Professor VJ Duke August 21, 2016 at 16:10

        It worries me you think he doesn’t! I say… He’s like Mark Twain, see.

        It wasn’t that long! Was it? Was it? Nah, it couldn’t be. *counts back on his fingers and losses count* I’m sure it was around 3 months. Or maybe 2. Or maybe even 1. Oh, I’ve never danced. And that’s the way it will stay! I know. I’m always getting injured. But it’s so fun, jits is!

        Imagine if you get to meet Kenny one day…how will you be able to look him in the eye?

  11. 40 HotBottoms August 17, 2016 at 15:17

    I was tending bar at this place once. Fancy girl wanted a Manhattan-OK-but she wanted two cherries. Sorry, hon, says I. There hasn’t been a cherry in this bar in years. To which a woman down the bar says, “you got that right…”

    • 41 Professor VJ Duke August 18, 2016 at 13:40

      Ha. This is just mean to all the cherries, you must agree.

  12. 42 PorterGirl August 17, 2016 at 14:55

    I like the green thing and the fluffy thing very much indeed. Actually, the fluffy thing looks very much like me first thing in the morning.

    • 43 Professor VJ Duke August 18, 2016 at 13:39

      Hahahaha. Yeah, that’s why we should never get up in the mornings. It’s just too dadblame hard.

      • 44 PorterGirl August 18, 2016 at 15:29

        Far too hard. Best to leave that sort of thing until the afternoon.

      • 45 Professor VJ Duke August 21, 2016 at 16:08

        But that’s nap time.

      • 46 PorterGirl August 21, 2016 at 16:53

        The best time of the day! Apart from meal times, obviously.

  13. 47 Heartafire August 17, 2016 at 14:51

    lol! Good one!

    • 48 Professor VJ Duke August 18, 2016 at 13:39

      I’m a victim of circumstance, aren’t I?

      • 49 Heartafire August 18, 2016 at 13:43

        Absolutely. Why won’t they let you have and enjoy your cherries in peace? Dadblameit.

      • 50 Professor VJ Duke August 18, 2016 at 13:54

        Can you talk to them for me? Or tackle the tall woman?

      • 51 Heartafire August 18, 2016 at 13:59

        I will send them a cease and desist notice today, later I will tackle the tall woman right around the ankles.

      • 52 Professor VJ Duke August 21, 2016 at 16:05

        And maybe even break one?

      • 53 Heartafire August 21, 2016 at 16:06

        Ouch, you are back!

      • 54 Professor VJ Duke August 21, 2016 at 16:20

        And more wicked than ever!

      • 55 Heartafire August 21, 2016 at 16:21

        I know…this is great!

  14. 56 Susan P August 17, 2016 at 14:22

    I don’t have any cherry but I can give you some grapes.

    • 57 Professor VJ Duke August 18, 2016 at 13:38

      I’ll take some. I love grapes like the back of my tight end. They’re FEF’s words, mind.

      • 58 Susan P August 18, 2016 at 16:25

        All righty then.

      • 59 Professor VJ Duke August 21, 2016 at 16:13

        That was pirate-y.

      • 60 Susan P August 22, 2016 at 12:58

        Where is the booty?

Say something...anything...O Punchy Family!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

TPL Schedule

Sunday: OFF — Day of Shalt Nots

Monday: TPL Story

Tuesday: OFF — Because I'm Gone

Wednesday: Professor Speaks

Thursday: OFF — Because Yes

Friday: OFF — All Day Sleep Does

Saturday: OFF — Blue-Footed Boobies Need Fed

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email!

Join 1,870 other followers

Follow The Punchy Lands! on

Blog Stats

  • 116,296 hits

Join the Professor on Twitter!

Professorish Smiley:




Depends on the day, see.

Punchy Argot:

1. Dadblameit.
2. Humdinger
3. Chickit
4. Chicky-woot-woot
5. Malediction
6. Rapscallion
7. Gardoobled
8. Congratulilolations
9. Togoggin
10. Gargonic
11. Two and Five Gurgles
12. Rats and a Heifer
13. Two nods, a wink, and an astroid
14. A bit, bits, and little bits
15. Huff-Hum and a Roar
16. So many thanks, I can't begin to thank you
17. Ri-do-diculous


%d bloggers like this: