Apples Are Bad for You…BUT Good for Dentists

Screen Shot 2016-06-26 at 3.33.32 PM

Apples are hard to bite into.

This is a fact, see.

And today, ladies and you other things, I bring you a truth:

Apples are a conspiracy theory.

How, you ask?


Apples are grown from the earth.


That makes them natural, you say.

Natural is healthy.


Uranium is natural, too.

These bacteria like it, apparently. Why does everything have to contradict me?

These bacteria like it, apparently. Why does everything have to contradict me?

Dang it. This cartoon is obviously a fake.


Pay it no mind.

Anyways and a bit…

…where wuth I?

Oh yes.

Apples are part of a conspiracy theory.

A conspiracy theory that revolves around dentists.

Dentist Holding Dental Tools


You see, Doctors and Dentists got together to fool the public.

“An apple a day keeps the doctor away,” they say.

It might be true. But an apple a day, keeps the dentist close.

See, Dentists like to make money.

And they make lots of money when teeth get busted.

Teeth get busted on apples.

‘Cause apples are so hard.

But no one would eat apples, mind. (This was millions of years ago, mind. When man had strong teeth. And tiny brain.)

So, Doctors convinced everyone that apples were good for the health. (Maybe a lie, maybe not.)

People started eating and eating and eating apples.

Teeth got weaker over generations.

Dentists cashed in.

That, ladies and gentleman, is the conspiracy theory behind apples.

Eat them not.

The only scary part is this: What did the Doctors get out of the deal?

We’ve yet to find out.

Professorish Theory: Apples are part of a conspiracy designed by Doctors and Dentists to earn more profits.

Check this out: This fellow wants to start lions eating apples next.


After all, the more profit the more profit.

Oh, and…

My new spirit animal:



29 Responses to “Apples Are Bad for You…BUT Good for Dentists”

  1. 1 Nancy Loderick August 29, 2016 at 19:19

    Hey Professor,

    Funny you should mention dentists. While I love my dentist, I wish he would invite me to his fancy second home, since I paid for it with all the dental work he had to do on my teeth. And it wasn’t because of apples either! :)

    PS Maybe we should all stick to eating ice cream. Although that might give the doctors more business.

  2. 2 Lady Dunamis August 22, 2016 at 17:48

    I barely eat apples and my recent dental visit confirm that my teeth are in excellent health. There maybe truth to your apple illuminati theory.

  3. 3 progbeawr831 August 19, 2016 at 02:39

    Therefore we must indulge in pancakes! Copious amounts of pancakes!

    • 4 Professor VJ Duke August 21, 2016 at 16:19

      With salsa or gravy?

      • 5 progbeawr831 August 21, 2016 at 16:21

        Gravy……always Always ALWAYS gravy but not too lumpy a gravy, we don’t wanna be sued by Frank Zappa’s estate for copyright infringement!

  4. 6 punjetry August 19, 2016 at 02:12

    *sting like a bee hahaha

  5. 7 punjetry August 19, 2016 at 02:12

    Doctors and dentists still like a bee? Just like Ricky Martin!

    • 8 Professor VJ Duke August 21, 2016 at 16:19

      Hahaha. You’re so right! We should take revenge, huh?

  6. 9 walt walker August 19, 2016 at 00:56

    It can’t be a conspiracy cuz dentists always tell the tooth.

    • 10 Professor VJ Duke August 21, 2016 at 16:18

      But wouldn’t that make it one? *throws a stone a Walt*

      • 11 walt walker August 21, 2016 at 16:25

        *catches it, smiles, takes bite*

  7. 12 Freakishly Fangirlish August 18, 2016 at 21:41

    My bunny eats apples, and she also eats hay… Thus I will not be eating apples. They are for animals. Like the hay!

    • 13 Professor VJ Duke August 21, 2016 at 16:18

      But…but…but…apples are supposed to be good for you!

      • 14 Freakishly Fangirlish August 21, 2016 at 16:34

        They’re gross.

  8. 15 John W. Howell August 18, 2016 at 19:15

    On the other isde of the coin, dentists got ancient mankind to stop eating stones and switch to apples. Pretty good trade I would say.

    • 16 Professor VJ Duke August 21, 2016 at 16:17

      Stones must’ve hurt going down, wouldn’t you say? *shakes head*

      • 17 John W. Howell August 21, 2016 at 20:47

        I would say.

  9. 18 Debbie August 18, 2016 at 18:23

    Professor, you’re probably onto something with your conspiracy theory. Maybe you should cook your apples rather than chomping down on them raw if you’re trying to avoid the dentist? And may I add that your new spirit animal is quite a beast!! I wouldn’t want him on my hand, though!

    • 19 Professor VJ Duke August 21, 2016 at 16:17

      Can you imagine? I should be able to fly and sting like my spirit animal, don’t you suppose? Of course you do!

      That’s a good point. But I wonder if apples lose their…good stuff if cooked?

  10. 20 FictionFan August 18, 2016 at 16:56

    Hmm… am I a lady or an other thing? Be careful how you answer that…

    I think you make a very valid argument. In fact, two very valid arguments – one about the apple conspiracy and the other about the size of men’s brains. *nods sympathetically* Never mind – perhaps evolution will solve that problem in time. Does your animal guide talk English? Or do you chit-chat to it in Japanese? Perhaps it could give you some jiu-jitsu hints to prevent future mishaps…

    • 21 Professor VJ Duke August 21, 2016 at 16:16

      An other thing! Which is the best way to go about it. I’m another thing. Well, maybe not. I’m another-another thing. So, I’ve got a leg up on all this.

      Soooooooooo…I just learned an arm-bar myself (proud) from guard AND I learned a kiumra, I think it’s called. Also from guard. I’m deadly now. One of these days I’m bound to get a black eye. Or a blue one. Something like that. My animal guide speaks in morse code. Evolution is such a silly thing to believe in. *looks at his omelet* But I wish it would make itself. *sigh* The world is not fair.

      • 22 FictionFan August 21, 2016 at 21:25

        Phew! I was worried I might have to start acting like a lady for a moment there!

        I have no idea what you’re talking about but if you’re proud then I’m proud! Goodness! It might be a German spy then! Perhaps if you gaze at your eggs long enough they will evolve into an omelet. Of course, you may have evolved into a skeleton by then…

  11. 23 Susan P August 18, 2016 at 16:34

    You need to eat your greens. It’s good for you.

    • 24 Professor VJ Duke August 21, 2016 at 16:14

      Which ones, tho?

      • 25 Susan P August 22, 2016 at 12:56

        All of them, of course. Just imagine…

  12. 26 desertdweller29 August 18, 2016 at 15:46

    Your flawed logic is brilliant. I’ll run with it!

    PS I’m afraid of bees. They attack here in swarms, you know.

    PPS I love that you finally addressed the ladies! So progressive as of late, PVJ! Guitar camp was good for you! ;)

    • 27 Professor VJ Duke August 21, 2016 at 16:13

      Wait…do you mean killer bees? I hope not! You best run from those, see.

      I know! Aren’t I getting better? Which is good, since I’m off to an institution tomorrow.

  13. 28 L. Marie August 18, 2016 at 14:01

    I think you’re onto something with that theory. Guess I shouldn’t go looking for caramel apples then. They’re doubly bad for the teeth. But oh so good. :-)

    Your spirit animal is on the largish size.

    • 29 Professor VJ Duke August 21, 2016 at 16:05

      I know! I love apples…maybe we should just cut them with knives THEN eat them. Now that’s an idea.

      Haha. Too big?

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