Apples are hard to bite into.
This is a fact, see.
And today, ladies and you other things, I bring you a truth:
Apples are a conspiracy theory.
How, you ask?
Apples are grown from the earth.
That makes them natural, you say.
Natural is healthy.
Uranium is natural, too.
Dang it. This cartoon is obviously a fake.
Pay it no mind.
Anyways and a bit…
…where wuth I?
Apples are part of a conspiracy theory.
A conspiracy theory that revolves around dentists.
You see, Doctors and Dentists got together to fool the public.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away,” they say.
It might be true. But an apple a day, keeps the dentist close.
See, Dentists like to make money.
And they make lots of money when teeth get busted.
Teeth get busted on apples.
‘Cause apples are so hard.
But no one would eat apples, mind. (This was millions of years ago, mind. When man had strong teeth. And tiny brain.)
So, Doctors convinced everyone that apples were good for the health. (Maybe a lie, maybe not.)
People started eating and eating and eating apples.
Teeth got weaker over generations.
Dentists cashed in.
That, ladies and gentleman, is the conspiracy theory behind apples.
Eat them not.
The only scary part is this: What did the Doctors get out of the deal?
We’ve yet to find out.
Professorish Theory: Apples are part of a conspiracy designed by Doctors and Dentists to earn more profits.
Check this out: This fellow wants to start lions eating apples next.
After all, the more profit the more profit.
My new spirit animal: