Classroom Mayhem

“So…”–gigantic, and I mean huge, pause for emphasis here–“how do we know what we know?”

The question hung in the air, and this professor, for one, would’ve left it hanging there (probably indefinitely) but an elderly chap sitting next to me raised his hand and spoke up.

He said something full of dadblamery, so I had to raise my hand and say:

“We know what we know because we know it.”

A just answer. Maybe a bit oblique, but then again, so was the question. I leaned back like a conqueror, thinking that I had won, and that it was over.

But a war was coming.

The chap teaching the class shook his head.

“No, no, you can’t answer that way,” he said. “They were the words I used in my question.”

“Quite right,” I said, “that’s why I rearranged them for my answer.”

“No.” He was a bit stern here, I must admit. Hands on hips, chin jutting out in my direction like a stag beetle with it’s great big jaws. “You don’t get it.”

Stag Beetle with its awesome jaws.

Stag Beetle with its awesome jaws.

“Oh I get it.”

Of course, this professor didn’t mean to be spicy at all, but the other students laughed here a bit, bits, and little bits.

“You. Don’t. Get It,” he repeated. “I want you to use your own words to answer the question.”

And then this professor spied something on his shoulder, and I knew I’d won.

“They became my own words once I rearranged them, see. And furthermore, double see, is that a hornet on your shoulder?”

He screamed, everyone laughed, and this professor–shiny, cunning beast that he is–won.

#conqueror 

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64 Responses to “Classroom Mayhem”


  1. 1 Angeline M September 15, 2016 at 16:27

    Oh how I’ve missed you. Thanks for sharing your strange,but true? thoughts.

    • 2 Professor VJ Duke September 18, 2016 at 15:42

      Angeline! *hugs* Good to see you. Of course. The professor isn’t that much of a liar, see.

  2. 3 Nancy Loderick September 14, 2016 at 19:26

    Well Professor,

    This goes to show that you should never argue with a professor. :)

    Nancy

    • 4 Professor VJ Duke September 18, 2016 at 15:42

      Because they’re wicked, huh?

  3. 5 Jackie September 14, 2016 at 17:34

    Insects are awesome!!

    • 6 Professor VJ Duke September 18, 2016 at 15:42

      Especially the ones with wings!

  4. 7 Heartafire September 12, 2016 at 16:33

    I know one thing.

    • 8 Professor VJ Duke September 13, 2016 at 00:24

      Is it about…the Pats?

      • 9 Heartafire September 13, 2016 at 02:32

        yes it is.

      • 10 Professor VJ Duke September 18, 2016 at 15:40

        It def is.

      • 11 Heartafire September 18, 2016 at 16:54

        Dolphins and the Patriots today…whoa.:)

      • 12 Professor VJ Duke September 24, 2016 at 01:26

        Aren’t the Patriots spicy? I know you love them now.

      • 13 Heartafire September 24, 2016 at 11:46

        So much!

  5. 14 Debbie September 11, 2016 at 17:50

    Is that stag beetle this week’s spirit animal? He’s a charmer, that’s for sure. Why, I remember I caught one for my bug collection many eons ago (truth be told, I think I had my dad actually pick him up for me, ha!). Anyways, how can that other chap call himself a professor, when you’re obviously the conquering professor here?!

    • 15 Professor VJ Duke September 11, 2016 at 20:37

      You had him in your bug collection? Wow! I’m amazed. Overjoyed. Indubitably shocked. Do you have a pic?

      That’s right! Glad you brought that up, Debbie. I’m the only real professor, after all.

      • 16 Debbie September 11, 2016 at 23:11

        Sorry, no pic, but I’ll never forget how that thing scared me! Those front claws *shuddering still*

      • 17 Professor VJ Duke September 13, 2016 at 00:24

        *shudders* Goodness. But still, very cool, you know.

  6. 18 FictionFan September 11, 2016 at 17:10

    The thing is that no-one knows what the Professor knows, you know, you know, because we know he knows things we don’t know, you know? Whereas the other Professor doesn’t know the Professor so he doesn’t know what the Professor knows or doesn’t know. But then the Professor doesn’t know what the other Professor knows either…

    It’s a conundrum! Shnoddy probably knows… *nods knowingly*

    • 19 Professor VJ Duke September 11, 2016 at 20:37

      Now, now, young lady. There’s no second professor here, see. I’m the only one, I’ll have you know. *nods* But…do I know what FEF knows? Probably, see. For the professor, being a conical beast, knows all. *double nods* And dadblameit, too.

      He only knows about dull particulars, like Descartes. (Who wants to learn about him anyway?!)

      • 20 FictionFan September 12, 2016 at 20:16

        Certainly unique! *nods vigorously* You should have bopped the other one for impersonating a professor! Hmm,,, I suspect FEF knows more about Star Trek than the Professor… though I admit that on the question of bugs the Professor is waaaayyyyyy ahead!

        Ah, was he the “I think, therefore I am” man? If so, I want to know all about him! You can learn everything and then summarise it down to a short paragraph for me, please… *waits*

      • 21 Professor VJ Duke September 13, 2016 at 00:27

        Bugs. What sort of bugs? You mean wasp bugs bugs? Like insect bugs. I should’ve gone into studying insects, now that you bring the matter up. I’m fed up with papers, I’ll have you know. Imagine how neatio it would be to write a paper on a tree-sloth slug. *nods*

        Yes, he was. Okay, basically, he believed he couldn’t believe anything. So he searched and searched and searched. Finally, he came up with something he was sure about: I think, therefore I am. And because he had doubts in his thoughts, he declared he wasn’t perfect. And because he wasn’t perfect but he could imagine perfection, he declared God existed and was perfect. And then, he did a bunch more other dull things. And he wrote several dull books on the dull subject. And his writing is so dull and scurvy, I’m nearly sure he won the dull contest…

      • 22 FictionFan September 13, 2016 at 15:56

        You should have studied bugs! With your legendary hunting skills, think of how far ahead of the rest of the class you’d have been!

        Hahahahahahaha!!! Well, I’m incredibly impressed! Your head will soon be so full you’ll need to get a bigger Pats hat! Poor old Descartes… and poor C-W-W!! It could have been worse, though – he could have decided he believed in evolution… (I think I’m going to enjoy you being at Uni more than you are, you know, you know… next up, explain what calculus is for, please… *chuckles wickedly*)

      • 23 Professor VJ Duke September 18, 2016 at 15:42

        Imagine! But…I’m going to be a number head here soon. They want me to get a master’s in accounting! Can you believe they claim that they can’t teach you in 4 years what’s going to be on the CPA exam, which is just an 12 hour test?

        Well, I cut my hair recently. So, interestingly enough, the Pats hat just doesn’t fit as well. Okay, so calculus right now, or rather algebra, is just the equation of lines and all that garbage. Yuck. Christmas can’t come soon enough!

      • 24 FictionFan September 18, 2016 at 19:43

        You’ll need to do all sorts of stuff like contract law, and profit and loss accounting – and balance sheets! *shudders reminiscently* Did I ever tell you I studied accountancy at one point in my chequered career? Forced into it by a cruel and wicked employer. But then I found an escape tunnel and dug my way to freedom. But yes, I’d say they should be able to do it in four years – tell them to get on with it!

        *laughs* What did you do – shave it?? You better still have a kisscurl! Oh I thought calculus was something to do with… er… measuring change or something. But I never really understood it. It was my archnemesis – I battled it fiercely, but it won… *slinks away, ashamed* Don’t you get a half-term break?

      • 25 Professor VJ Duke September 24, 2016 at 01:31

        I love balance sheets! I know how to do them and statement of cash flows and income statements and equity thingies. Got a great grade on my first quiz, too! *smiles proudly* You’re a very interning lady, you know. Three years! I’m going to make them do it in three years! *nods*

        Cut it shorter more like. Having long hair is a pain. Isn’t it? Isn’t it?! Dadblameit. Here comes a yucketh bomb. “Yucketh.” I think calc does, yes. But that doesn’t matter. We’re never taught ‘why’ only how to ‘do’. Thanksgiving break!

      • 26 FictionFan September 24, 2016 at 22:09

        That settles it – you’re officially weird!! Well, of course you got a great grade – you are my C-W-W after all!! *peacockishly proud face* Give up sleep and do it in two!

        Tut! You”ll never be Alice with an attitude like that! *sighs with relief* That is soooo true – and the major reason I hated maths!

      • 27 Professor VJ Duke December 15, 2016 at 15:22

        Okay, so I’ve had to fight a lot of professors this semester to get my A’s. I even played professor for a class once and taught philosophy. Taught feminism, actually, you should know. Haha. Good times.

        I got an A in calc!

      • 28 FictionFan December 15, 2016 at 17:47

        You got As!!!! I knew you would, of course! * struts around the room* Hahaha! You? Taught feminism??? Oh, how I wish I could have been there!

        This is rather a tragically sad thing to admit, but I’m more impressed by that A in calc than I would be if you caught a yeti… well done, sir! You’ve made your old FEF very proud!

      • 29 Professor VJ Duke December 15, 2016 at 19:27

        I did! Nearly. Nearly. But I did. Mostly. Now I can die in peace. *laughs* Well, the group was supposed to present hook’s argument. Nobody would, so I did, cause I don’t care about doing that sort of thing. I think it was on the pay gap myth…? Or…no! Sexual oppression? Something like that.

        Oh, calc was easy. You would’ve aced to, I know. It was the accounting that was tricky. And musicianship, which is a funny.

      • 30 FictionFan December 15, 2016 at 22:57

        Hurrah! But don’t die! *laughs* I suspect you haven’t really accepted the whole feminism thing, have you? That’s good, because your bestest pals Donnie and Vlad would fall out with you if you did… though communists are often feminist… *muses*

        I would not! *stomps* Haha! Musicianship? They can’t be teaching it right then…

      • 31 Professor VJ Duke December 16, 2016 at 17:39

        Haha, not at all… I debated with the professor kinda. It’s just so…outlandish. Aren’t I good at expressing myself? Bah. Communist, socialist, feminist… I’ve decided ists are just bad. Everything that ends in an ist seems dangerous, see.

        I couldn’t believe it! I’m still battling that one out. Ugh. The dumbest stuff ever, you should know.

      • 32 FictionFan December 17, 2016 at 22:07

        Yeah, but it’s only silly feminists that are silly. Sensible feminists just want to be treated as equals and have the same rights as men. But I agree… I’ve always been terrifed of pianists and guitarists…

        Well, I’m gobsmacked! But maybe it’ll come in useful someday… though my Eng-Lit classes never did! Start a revolution!

      • 33 Professor VJ Duke December 19, 2016 at 19:36

        Sadly, that’s not the definition of feminism today. *holds FEF’s ears* *laughing lots* Me too! Pianists are awful. I hates them all.

        You don’t know that! Maybe they did in some way you can’t imagine?

      • 34 FictionFan December 19, 2016 at 22:42

        *laughs lots* Poor Prof – you’d have been much happier back in the days when women were chattels, wouldn’t you? I’ll get you a time-machine for Christmas…

        I can’t imagine! Except that they taught me how to be rude to professors…

      • 35 Professor VJ Duke December 20, 2016 at 19:32

        If a chattel is a cookie, maybe. You know, it’s really not fair you use such words. My brain can’t keep up. I say, you do it on purpose!

        You’re awfully feisty today. This is a good thing.

      • 36 FictionFan December 20, 2016 at 22:14

        You prefer cookies to me??? They better be chocolate cookies…

        *curtseys*

      • 37 Professor VJ Duke January 3, 2017 at 19:32

        I’ve had too many cookies. Now I have a cold. Tell me, there’s a connection, isn’t there?

  7. 38 HotBottoms September 11, 2016 at 12:00

    But that’s the kicker isn’t it? We don’t know what we don’t know. Until we know it and realize much of what we knew is wrong. I must lie down now.

    • 39 Professor VJ Duke September 11, 2016 at 20:36

      Do we ever realize we’re wrong, tho? I’m the most right person I know, see.

      • 40 HotBottoms September 11, 2016 at 22:22

        See.

      • 41 Professor VJ Duke September 13, 2016 at 00:23

        Can you double see, tho?

      • 42 HotBottoms September 13, 2016 at 10:30

        Lying down now…

      • 43 Professor VJ Duke September 18, 2016 at 15:40

        Here’s a compress.

  8. 44 walt walker September 11, 2016 at 05:30

    I think you’re right about knowing what you know. I certainly know what I know. And what’s more, no one really knows what I don’t know, do they? Put that in your thinker.

    • 45 Professor VJ Duke September 11, 2016 at 20:35

      Hahaha. I like how your mind ticks. But here’s the thing, Mr. Walt…does this professor know what you know?

      • 46 walt walker September 12, 2016 at 02:45

        I don’t know that you do. Consider the power we could have, both of us knowing what we both know.

      • 47 Professor VJ Duke September 13, 2016 at 00:24

        Could we control the universe? Maybe.

      • 48 walt walker September 13, 2016 at 02:09

        Masters of the Universe, I’m thinking. Like He-Man, maybe.

      • 49 Professor VJ Duke September 18, 2016 at 15:40

        So….Walt. I just saw Star Wars! The new one, of course. Han was the best part, but the Sith was so pathetic, it’s depressed me.

      • 50 walt walker September 18, 2016 at 16:32

        Well this is big news! See here though, I’m confused. Have you seen the first ones? You know the ones. The originals. The ones that have the occasional muppet in them.

      • 51 Professor VJ Duke September 24, 2016 at 01:25

        You mean the really old ones? From the 70’s? I saw them lots of times, I must admit. They’re kinda good, too. Not as good as the newer ones, tho…

      • 52 walt walker September 24, 2016 at 01:33

        Not those, I mean the really really old ones. The ones before the originals. The black and white ones, with no talking, just words and piano, and choppy lightsaber swings.

      • 53 Professor VJ Duke September 24, 2016 at 01:35

        I’ve never seen these. Are you in it?

      • 54 walt walker September 24, 2016 at 01:47

        I’m the one with the mustache.

  9. 55 John W. Howell September 11, 2016 at 00:16

    LOL. I can imagine the look on his face.

    • 56 Professor VJ Duke September 11, 2016 at 20:35

      Do you think he hates me now?

      • 57 John W. Howell September 12, 2016 at 00:55

        Duh!

      • 58 Professor VJ Duke September 13, 2016 at 00:24

        That is one of the best things ever.

      • 59 John W. Howell September 13, 2016 at 00:35

        It is.

      • 60 Professor VJ Duke September 18, 2016 at 15:39

        Okay, so, now he won’t even call on me. Total hate.

      • 61 John W. Howell September 18, 2016 at 16:19

        Well, give him a tack on the chair.

      • 62 Professor VJ Duke September 24, 2016 at 01:24

        Maybe even two. I bet he’s going to hate my paper. I start out: Now, here’s the thing you should know, and even some things you shouldn’t know, but regardless, I’m telling you mainly things that are of no consequence to either me, you, or that chap sitting by the door.

      • 63 John W. Howell September 24, 2016 at 12:57

        Ha ha ha. Great opening line. He won’t get it.


  1. 1 Me This Month .September 2016. • Apricots and Cream Trackback on August 2, 2017 at 10:45

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