Schwarz Tauptinker, The Patriots, and Please Stand Clear of the Doors

“Please stand clear of the doors,” is an interesting thing of interest.

Of this, there’s not many doubts.

(Perhaps, someone might be able to raise a doubt here, there, or over there, but I doubt it.)

Now, here’s the thing: What do you suppose is meant by such a phrase?

Not being one to jump to conclusions (I fear conclusions like I fear fat sausages) I took up the matter with Schwarz Tauptinker.

“What does it mean, that phrase?”

“Obviously,” Schwarz answered, “I’ll tell you.”

There was a pause.

“Whenever you’re ready, of course.”


Another pause.

“So,” I said, starting at the beginning again, “what is meant by the phrase, “Stand clear of the doors,” do you suppose?”

“Obviously they just cleaned the glass, tell you what,” he said.

That was shocking.

“Cleaned the glass? I’m not following.”

“Yeah, cause it’s clear, dude. Stand clear of the doors. The doors are clear. And dirty glass is not clear.”

“I suspected it was some sort of code like that.”

“Not a code,” he said, somewhat miffed. “That was easy to figure out. The secret meaning, or code, is this: Don’t let the doors hit you.”


Anyway, that is what is said by Mr. Speaker overtime one gets on or off the T.


So, yes, that’s nice and colorful. And looks fast, too. Mine isn’t like that at all. It’s boring and white and slow. And bumpy. And full of beetles.

So, I just had to write about it.

Also, check this out:


Go Pats! I might be able to watch that over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.


76 Responses to “Schwarz Tauptinker, The Patriots, and Please Stand Clear of the Doors”

  1. 1 Ms. Vee November 12, 2016 at 03:32

    Those doors are pretty scary. They can hug you extremely tight!

  2. 2 L. Marie September 22, 2016 at 00:48

    You’re back! Glad to see you here too. How are your studies??
    I always stand clear of the doors. They might hit me when opened.

    • 3 Professor VJ Duke September 24, 2016 at 01:34

      I know. But some people must be told! Going good, going good. And scary. How’ve you been?

  3. 4 walt walker September 21, 2016 at 02:29

    Do you think that’s where he meant to throw it? If so, a genius throw. For the ages, that one. That’s why the Pats are my second favorite team.

    • 5 Professor VJ Duke September 24, 2016 at 01:34

      They are? *eyes big* Who’s the first? And don’t say Steelers!

    • 6 walt walker September 24, 2016 at 01:37

      Now, how can you like the Tom Bradys more than the Steelers, when you’re from Steelerburgh? Even I like the Steelers, and they did a real number on my Cowboys back in the 70s. (Which is okay, because we got them back in the 90s.)

      • 7 Professor VJ Duke December 15, 2016 at 15:16

        Hmm. Brady is such a good sport, though. And so nice. I’d shake his whiskers, I would.

      • 8 walt walker December 16, 2016 at 01:21

        And he’s a very dapper gent. Professor! We’d thought you’d gone missing! Glad you’re not horribly wounded. Good to see you’re up and about. Need anything?

      • 9 Professor VJ Duke December 16, 2016 at 17:40

        I was actually MIA. But I’m fine now. Yes…is your boomerang around, by any chance?

      • 10 walt walker December 17, 2016 at 00:48

        Anything except that, I meant.

      • 11 Professor VJ Duke December 19, 2016 at 19:30

        Now you’re adding too many addendums.

  4. 12 Haylee September 18, 2016 at 21:03

    Stand clear, mind the gap, keep your arms inside the carriages – very bossy these public transportation systems! Can’t comment on the game though, I don’t understand it. I can never figure out why you need so many players. Or armour. But yay if your team’s winning :)

    • 13 Professor VJ Duke September 24, 2016 at 01:34

      Because you could break an arm or leg or throat! Imagine the knights of old. They had to wear armor. Same concept, see. And pull for the Patriots, just because it’s your professorishly duty, madam!

      They sure are. Let’s sue them.

      • 14 Haylee September 24, 2016 at 10:49

        Throat breaking does not sound pleasant. But our rugby lads don’t wear armour and they rip ears off! Still, I shall be a long-distance Pats fan if you insist (too much of a noob to call them Pats yet?). But you should perhaps return the favour and support my rugby team, the Airlie Birds because our league is Super. Like, officially (that’s its name) 😉

      • 15 Professor VJ Duke December 15, 2016 at 15:18

        *laughs* So, I’m so late you should throw me out, but I’d bounce back. Call them the Pats indeed, madam! I’m glad you’re a long distance fan now. Officially. But…the Airlie Birds…that sounds kinda…girly…

      • 16 Haylee December 15, 2016 at 19:00

        Girly birds – I’m sure you wouldn’t say that to their face!

      • 17 Professor VJ Duke December 15, 2016 at 19:27

        I would–if I could stand behind you…

      • 18 Haylee December 15, 2016 at 22:56

        Oh so brave! You do know I’m short and would only offer protection as far as your kneecaps?

      • 19 Professor VJ Duke December 16, 2016 at 17:10

        I’d duck then! I’m not that tall. I’d have you talk them down or use your Sith skills.

      • 20 Haylee December 16, 2016 at 17:44

        Oh it was soooo good! But yes…conflict resolution is my new job so that might work.

      • 21 Professor VJ Duke December 16, 2016 at 17:45

        Conflict resolution…that sounds hard, you know. I def cause more conflict than resolutions.

      • 22 Professor VJ Duke December 16, 2016 at 17:46

        Resolutions are for after new years anyway

      • 23 Haylee December 16, 2016 at 17:48

        It’s conflict resolution with kids so maybe not as hardcore as it sounds. But still, tables get thrown occasionally…

      • 24 Professor VJ Duke December 19, 2016 at 19:26

        Tables?! That’s impressive by professorish standards. I’d like to throw a table.

      • 25 Haylee December 19, 2016 at 21:05

        You’d have to be reprimanded. It wouldn’t be pretty…

      • 26 Professor VJ Duke December 20, 2016 at 19:22

        Oh dear. I’m not good at getting reprimanded. I, like, rebel, you know.

  5. 27 John W. Howell September 18, 2016 at 20:36

    Good explanation. Go Steelers.

    • 28 Professor VJ Duke September 24, 2016 at 01:32

      Aren’t you excited that Brady will be back when the Steelers meet the Pats?

      • 29 John W. Howell September 24, 2016 at 12:56


  6. 30 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister September 18, 2016 at 20:23

    Stand clear of the door…this only proves you hang near quite dignified train stations, Duke. And there’s nothing wrong with fat sausages. *frowns*

    • 31 Professor VJ Duke September 24, 2016 at 01:32

      Fat sausages are scary. For…what might be in them? Charlie even, maybe.

      • 32 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister September 24, 2016 at 14:17

        You’re cruel when you want to be, Duketh. *snarl* I shall always protect our little buddy. I’m surprised you remember our friend.

      • 33 Professor VJ Duke December 15, 2016 at 15:18

        Of course I do. He’s on my desk right now.

      • 34 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister December 16, 2016 at 04:58

        On your desk? Has he always been there?

      • 35 Professor VJ Duke December 16, 2016 at 17:41

        No, he’s just come slugging along, can you believe.

      • 36 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister December 16, 2016 at 21:44

        I’m quite happy to hear he survived your attempt to kill him off.

      • 37 Professor VJ Duke December 19, 2016 at 19:28

        I’m only half a murderer, you know.

      • 38 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister January 5, 2017 at 15:23

        I’m the other half, it seems.

      • 39 Professor VJ Duke January 6, 2017 at 16:22

        Exactly! You’re to blame a bit, of course.

      • 40 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister January 6, 2017 at 20:17

        Just because I brought cheese?! Seems I get off with a technicality…

      • 41 Professor VJ Duke January 9, 2017 at 15:29

        Technicality is such a bit word…

      • 42 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister January 10, 2017 at 23:20


      • 43 Professor VJ Duke January 11, 2017 at 14:39

        Big I meant!

  7. 44 Debbie September 18, 2016 at 18:41

    I think “Stand clear of the doors” must be an East Coast idiom. Nobody I know says that here. I’ll bet it has something to do with doors that open and close often, too (and probably automatically). That’s a cool, colorful bus thing-y, and a great touchdown catch!

    • 45 Professor VJ Duke September 24, 2016 at 01:28

      Are you loving the Pats a bit better now? Also, how’s Dallas and Domer doing?

  8. 46 Heartafire September 18, 2016 at 18:01

    I will be watching the Pats and Dolphins go at it today minus Brady and Gronk, I have my paper bag ready.

    • 47 Professor VJ Duke September 24, 2016 at 01:28

      Wait…did they really play?

      • 48 Heartafire September 24, 2016 at 11:42

        They were a no show lol

  9. 49 FictionFan September 18, 2016 at 18:00

    Schwarzy!!! *swoons* He’s soooo enigmatic, isn’t he? I’m not surprised you have difficulty following the twists and turns of his brilliant mind! It was so good of him to let you in on the code – he must have felt sorry for you getting hit by the doors all the time. So sweet! Are you going to have a ride in the new driverless taxis?

    The gif’s fine but a giant size picture of my Tom would have been better. Just sayin’…

    • 50 Professor VJ Duke September 24, 2016 at 01:28

      Are there such things?! Of course. I’ll be the first to test it, and probably the first casualty. Make sure to have a big funeral for me, please. And put a bowl of candy on my chest, so people have fun. It’s about fun, after all. And get me involved. If there’s dancing, let me crowd surf. Please and thank you.

      And Edelman! I love the Pats.

      • 51 FictionFan September 24, 2016 at 22:02

        How come you don’t know?! Yes, apparently Pittsboig is the first place in the world to have them. *laughs* I think they’re an awful idea – I’d be scared silly! Well, I’m not happy about sharing “candy” as you know – how about a big bowl of cannnnollllis instead? The crowd surfing would be so undignified, so I’ll get a little revolving platform and stand you on it – it’ll be just like you’re really dancing!! I could even attach electrodes to your limbs, if you like, so we can make you twitch in time to the music…

      • 52 Professor VJ Duke December 15, 2016 at 15:21

        But….I’m on a diet…so no cannnnnnnnnnnnoooooolllllis. I was supposed to cut weight, but I didn’t. But still. I’m on some sort of diet, I think. One that doesn’t allow cookies. Which is a shame seeing as its cookie season. Did you know Christmas was in 10 days? That completely destroys my brain. Guess who is behind in Christmas shopping? Yes, me.

      • 53 FictionFan December 15, 2016 at 17:32

        You don’t need to diet, o Perfect Professor!! But I’ll eat your cannnnnooooolllllllllllis if it’ll help! Well, don’t get me too many presents… 10 or 12 will be plenty! And 6 each for T&T of course…

      • 54 Professor VJ Duke December 15, 2016 at 19:24

        Whoa. What do you want?! I think mom wants some sort of sweater. Like I’m going to be able to find that. I’ll look, tho. I was in the mall last week. Walked all the way up and all the way down. That was the extent of my shopping. Oh yes I do!

      • 55 FictionFan December 15, 2016 at 22:47

        Chocolates, books, a million bucks, an E-type Jaguar, my very own pet marmoset, matching emerald collars for the cats, and a Christmas video of the Professor playing Jinglebell Rock. Thanks. Oh, now you’re a feminist, clothes shopping for your mom should be easy! I’m surprised she hasn’t asked for Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters… *chuckles wickedly* Oh, no you don’t!

        (With your amazing mathematical abilities, can you please explain how you’ve only been back for a few hours and yet we seem to have a million different conversations going already??? I’m baffled…)

      • 56 Professor VJ Duke December 16, 2016 at 17:09

        E-type Jaguar sounds nice. I’ll make it red. Maybe. I’m working on two videos right now…neither Christmas, though, I’m sad to say. *laughs* I don’t think she liked the zombie book (the movie was pretty good, I enjoyed it, which tells you something) so I wasn’t going to do sea monsters…maybe I’ll have you two split the Jaguar. Or fight over it. How’s that? Or…maybe I’ll get you a real Jaguar! Tuppence might quite like it.

        *laughing lots and lots* I can’t believe it either! I’d have it no other way, though. I defy odds.

      • 57 FictionFan December 17, 2016 at 22:02

        *gasps* I’m not going to fight with your mom!! She is the mother of warriors! And I bet you’d teach her some secret jits moves! Well, if you’re already doing two vids it won’t take much extra time to do three, then! Just pop on a Christmas hat, set up the camera and away you go! Either that, or I’ll send Tuppence and the jaguar over to sort you out…

        *laughs too* That’s probably why the internet collapsed! I’m reluctantly forced to admit that it’s good to have you back though…

      • 58 Professor VJ Duke December 19, 2016 at 19:35

        I’ve tried to show her some jits…I don’t think she likes it much. But…it’s more complicated than that! Like, I’d have to learn the whole thing again. I forgot it all. My memory is awful. I just recorded something else today. Or, finished rather. I likes it. This is rare. Probably means it’s going to turn out awful.

        Reluctantly forced to admit?!

      • 59 FictionFan December 19, 2016 at 22:39

        So… hypothetically speaking… if your mom and I were to have a jits fight, whose side would you be on? Think carefully before you answer…

        Oh, stop making excuses and just get it done, sir! Time’s a-wastin’! I’m glad you’ve finally liked something… but I’ll be the judge, if you don’t mind!

        Yeah – reluctant because no doubt you’ll be off again soon. If not already…

      • 60 Professor VJ Duke December 20, 2016 at 19:31

        Hahahahahahahahahaha. I would so run get a cam and tape it, probably. Or bring my coach over to instruct you both.

        So, I added some effects today. Just waiting on a wind sound then I have to mix it then master then it’s done. And I can have a break until forever.

        But I’m always communicateable, right?!

      • 61 FictionFan December 20, 2016 at 22:12

        Very diplomatically answered – you are learning great wisdom, sir! But I suspect we’d end up ganging up on you…

        Goodness! It all sounds complicated! But you’ve still got plenty of time to fit in a quick Christmas vid… THEN you can have a short break. *smiles kindly*

        *laughs lots* Oh yes, of course! Except when you ignore my e-mails/tweets/blog/comments, etc., etc. But otherwise, certainly! However, you’ll be glad to hear my new year’s resolution is to stop trying… aren’t I sweet? (Ooh, it’s playing Blessings now… still love that one too. But this is very distracting – I keep needing to flick over to watch the vids…)

      • 62 Professor VJ Duke January 3, 2017 at 19:31

        Then I’d have to instruct you both, I suppose. You couldn’t be anymore rubbish then I am, tho.

        Mastering it took FOREVER. The video was finished yesterday, though. Can I retire yet?

        FEF needs to get a smartphone so we can text! See, what’s happened is I’m often away from my computer now. My laptop is rather junky. I’ve hacked it to pieces (not literally) but now it runs outdated games. But you should be glad to know I don’t disappear that much. Blessings! Yucketh. Take it off. Awful, awful!

      • 63 FictionFan January 4, 2017 at 01:10

        I think you’ve already retired! Oh, no – no more following the Prof onto different communications platforms – that’s soooo 2016! 2017 is the year when I use blog and e-mail, as I have always preferred. That’s plenty of places for you to ignore me on!

      • 64 Professor VJ Duke January 6, 2017 at 16:19

        Right? I keep saying I will. *double sigh* Until you get your phone, of course. I don’t ignore you! But email is cool.

      • 65 FictionFan January 7, 2017 at 11:46

        No phone! Next week you’ll be refusing to talk except on Snapchat. Or Instagram!

      • 66 Professor VJ Duke January 9, 2017 at 15:31

        I wouldn’t do that to you! It’s just FB is fast and quick. It’s like chatting! #cool

      • 67 FictionFan January 9, 2017 at 17:17

        *laughs* Yes you would! You once declared you’d never do FB!

      • 68 Professor VJ Duke January 11, 2017 at 14:35

        I did? I did not!

      • 69 FictionFan January 11, 2017 at 15:17

        Did too! And that you hated cell phones and texting! *shakes head*

      • 70 Professor VJ Duke January 16, 2017 at 01:38

        That changes once you get it! I could bother you all the time, haha.

      • 71 FictionFan January 16, 2017 at 16:47

        Sooooooo fickle!

      • 72 Professor VJ Duke January 18, 2017 at 00:18

        I wouldn’t hold that against you, of course.

      • 73 FictionFan January 18, 2017 at 01:57

        *laughs* #youwin But don’t get too smug – it’s only a temporary victory…

      • 74 Professor VJ Duke January 28, 2017 at 18:52

        Yes! *dances about*

  10. 75 desertdweller29 September 18, 2016 at 16:42

    Aha. I’m on to you, Professor. That “standing clear of the door” bit was just a ploy to insert your Pats clip! Well played, sir. Well played. However, I hope the air pressure is up to code.

    • 76 Professor VJ Duke September 24, 2016 at 01:26

      Now, now. Do you notice how spicy the pats have been?

Say something...anything...O Punchy Family!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

TPL Schedule

Sunday: OFF — Day of Shalt Nots

Monday: TPL Story

Tuesday: OFF — Because I'm Gone

Wednesday: Professor Speaks

Thursday: OFF — Because Yes

Friday: OFF — All Day Sleep Does

Saturday: OFF — Blue-Footed Boobies Need Fed

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email!

Join 1,868 other followers

Follow The Punchy Lands! on

Blog Stats

  • 115,936 hits

Join the Professor on Twitter!

Professorish Smiley:




Depends on the day, see.

Punchy Argot:

1. Dadblameit.
2. Humdinger
3. Chickit
4. Chicky-woot-woot
5. Malediction
6. Rapscallion
7. Gardoobled
8. Congratulilolations
9. Togoggin
10. Gargonic
11. Two and Five Gurgles
12. Rats and a Heifer
13. Two nods, a wink, and an astroid
14. A bit, bits, and little bits
15. Huff-Hum and a Roar
16. So many thanks, I can't begin to thank you
17. Ri-do-diculous


%d bloggers like this: