Things go South

Sometimes, the best way to end things, is to initiate them.

~ V. Shnodgrate, Renowned PL Poet

UntitledSo, the professor was in the lodge, surrounded by all these evil people with guns.

And Count Mastoid was there.

“Take off his mask,” Count Mastoid repeated.

He was talking about me, of course. This professor had an epic spy mask on.

But no one was making a move.

So, the professor, being the genial fellow he is (usually), I took it off.

“Who are you?” the count asked.

“I’m Professor VJ Duke, of course,” I said. Straight up. Honest. My goals in life.

That puzzled him right up the middle for a second or two.

“Why do you want to kill me?”

Time to epic obfuscate. I looked about at all the men with guns surrounding me. “Doesn’t seem like I’m the one trying to kill anyone, you know.”

He didn’t buy it. “You know what I mean.”

Now it was time to tell a few little lies.

Here’s the thing, see, a little lie plus another little lie, doesn’t really equal a big, fat lie. Rather, they equal two little lies. Don’t ask me why. It’s just how lies function in mathematics. #thisiskindatruebtw

Anyways and some, this professor said:

“I didn’t want to kill you, of many courses. I was just…” And I trailed off.

How do you explain the fact that you were walking around like this–


–in a vacationing destination.

“He’s lying,” the girl said. The girl who had tackled me. (The pink is not sexist of me. I’m running out of colors.)

“No, he’s not,” I answered her.

“Yes, he IS,” she repeated, a bit more slowly this time.

“Hush!” Count Mastoid said.

“Look here,” I said, taking charge of the situation, “if this professor was trying to kill you, it’d be dadblamery. Analysts say that not everyone is as focused on you as you are. Do you know what I’m trying to tell you? You think everything revolves around you, when, actually, it revolves around the sun.”


It made sense to me.

“Dad, I don’t believe him!” the girl said. “He was trying to kill you! Why else is he dressed like that?”

Dad? What an interest, the sudden…

And, of course, just when the professor thought I might be able to talk my way out of things, Daddy Salami and Ruber show up, banging through the front door, guns ready.

“Well, well, welly,” Salami said, looking from Count Mastoid to me. “Looks like our boy”–indicated me here, I fear–“found ya.”


PL Symbol


10 Responses to “Things go South”

  1. 1 Nancy Loderick February 7, 2017 at 21:13

    Hey Professor,

    I read the title of this post and I thought you were going to talk about the Patriots and their BIG victory down South. (I consider anything west of New York to be south.)


  2. 2 jthenovice February 6, 2017 at 21:47

    That proverb is most true. MOST true. All I can say about the ending is “Uh-oh”. Oh, yes, and dadblameit!

  3. 3 Susan P February 1, 2017 at 16:12

    Laws a mercy. How in the world did you get into this mess?

  4. 4 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister January 31, 2017 at 22:37

    Wouldn’t be the PL without those two fools. You know I’ve always been fairly understanding of them. I supposed you’re in your element with all that gear. Be carful, Duke.

  5. 5 Debbie January 31, 2017 at 16:44

    Professor, that’s a cool spy disguise you’ve got on — very effective, you know. And you really seemed to have the upper hand; that is, until Salami and Ruber turned up … with guns, no less. Methinks they’re just going to muck up the works, and you’ll have to watch for a quick getaway. Start counting the exits now!

  6. 6 MissTiffany January 31, 2017 at 16:40

    Oh, trust Salami and Ruber to mess it up. It was going swimmingly, I thought.

  7. 7 Lucy Brazier January 31, 2017 at 07:02

    Shnoddy is a very wise chap at times, I think. I especially like these words of wisdom! *makes notes*

  8. 8 John W. Howell January 31, 2017 at 01:34

    Well, well, well. Having Daddy and Ruber show up is like a guy walking into a gasoline convention with a flame thrower. I’m keeping my ears covered. I think there may be a lot of noise shortly.

  9. 9 FictionFan January 31, 2017 at 01:06

    (#oneweeklate! And it’s Tuesday! At least, I think it is… you’re befuddling me! And Shnoddy’s lost it again – give him his medication, quick!)

    Hahaha! You’re sooooooooooo sexist – pink!!! You could have given the pink to the Old Sausage – he’d look great in it! Just one question, dear Prof – why were you trying to kill him?? You know my memory only lasts for about a week. I like your mathematical theory – see how educated you’re getting?? And you know the earth goes round the sun… *impressed*

    Dad, eh? That’ll be kinda awkward when you propose to her…

  10. 10 L. Marie January 31, 2017 at 00:33

    Ah. Daddy Salami and Ruber can usually be trusted to turn up. What sort of guns are they carrying?

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Depends on the day, see.

Punchy Argot:

1. Dadblameit.
2. Humdinger
3. Chickit
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7. Gardoobled
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