Archive for the 'Professor Speaks' Category

Why Conor McGregor is like Tom Brady

professor speaks


So, this professor just thought he should say a few words about it.

Not that it matters much one way or another.

But this fellow:


Conor McGregor

Has something very interesting in common with this fellow:


Tom Brady (with blurry background)

You see, both fellows bucked authority and fought the bad guys. McGregor, the UFC (Ultimate Fighting Championship) and Dana White; Brady, the NFL (National Football League) and Roger Goodell.

And this is the funny part, see.

While that looks grand and all that, here’s the thing: It’s all a setup.

In truth, that’s true

The NFL created deflategate for publicity; McGregor said he was going to retire for publicity. See, and many sees, it had nothing to do with the fact that footballs were deflated a few PSI, and it had nothing to do with not wanting to do any more press conferences.

Which means, McGregor and Brady did not buck authority.

That’s right.

They followed authority.

Like mooses in the field.

Following authority

Following authority

So, they’re alike because they follow authority not rebel against it.

What a thing.

I did not see that conclusion coming myself.

Moral: If you’re going to buck authority, don’t do it because you’re following authority. That’s just messed up. And the professor is wise to you, too.

Okay, that’s the professor’s conspiracy theory for today.

PVJ out.

So Cold…I Lied

professor speaks

The professor put on a t-shirt, then a dress shirt, then a sweater vest, then a velvet jacket.

I did this ’cause it was sorta cold out, you know.

And like Scrooge says, garments were invented to protect against cold.


Though I sorta doubt this, the sudden. See, the garments didn’t do too much to protect against the cold, I felt. Then again, I’m sure it was better than nothing.

See? Every story has two sides. I persuade myself freely from side to side, depending on my mood at the hour, minute, or even second.

Anyways and a sum of half the total, this professor was on the march through a college campus.

It was lightly snowing and quite gray outside, see.

I hear that muscles shiver to protect against the cold. You know, they sorta shiver to build up heat. This is wrong of them. If they didn’t shiver, I wouldn’t be cold. See, shivering causes my coldness.

This is a fact.

Then I ran into a group of students, I think.

“Where are you going?” one asked.

Sorta brazen, I thought.

“Too far in this weather,” I answered.


“Yeah, where?” another joined in.

I find that when you’re getting asked lots and lots of questions, the best thing to do is talk lots and lots. This stops your attacker from asking more questions.

But don’t you know, at that exact moment, my mouth was too cold to move much.

Dadblame the weather.

“What’s in the bag?” one of the girls asked.

And I was carrying a bag.

Okay, it didn't look like this, obviously. But this is what came up first for secret bag...let me have another locketh...

Okay, it didn’t look like this, obviously. But this is what came up first for secret bag…let me have another locketh…

This isn't right either. I assure you.

This isn’t right either. I assure you.

Aha! This is something like what I was carrying.

Aha! This is something like what I was carrying.

So, what was in the bag?

“Enough dynamite to blow up your college, I fear.”

That fetched them.

They were off in a jiffy–which I hear is a tenth of a second.

And this professor was alone again.

Few seconds later, a police car sorta pulled up.

Lesson: Don’t make up dangerous lies.

Moral: If you lie, make sure everyone knows it’s a lie.

Rats and a Heifer.

I’ve decided I lied because I was so cold.



Defeating Bigfoot

professor speaks

So, the professor rolled into a Chinese Restaurant.

And you see, that’s how it’s really done. I roll into places, I think. I prefer it to walking, I think further. In fact, after a few more thinks, it just sounds cooler to say ‘rolled’ rather than ‘walk’, don’t you suppose?

Glad you agree, the sudden.

Where was I?

Oh yes, I rolled right in.

If you can figure out why this pic is in here, you get loads of credit. I can't, see.

If you can figure out why this pic is in here, you get loads of credit. I can’t, see.

“Can I?” the woman said behind the desk.

“Can you?” I repeated. Then I got it. “Oh, yes please. You can, you may, just do it, I say.”

I was seated at a table, and this was the thing: There was another fellow, seated across from me.

“Well, hello,” I said, taking a seat. “This is new for me. I’ve never been sat at a table with another chap before.”

Now this fellow was a bit greasy looking. He hadn’t shaved in some time, too. His beard was long, dirty, and making a general nuisance of itself.

At least, I thought so.

Something maybe like this.

Something maybe like this.

“This is a new experience,” I said again.

He just grunted. Then he did another thing that was scary: He dipped his beard in his soup and brought it up for a taste.

I decided to adopt a different approach.

“Do you normally have manners like this?” this professor asked. “Look here, this is uncalled for.”

And I slapped him across the face once then twice. Easy, too. Not too hard. I was just reproaching him, after all.

“Mind your manners.”

He grunted at me again and his eyes locked on mine.

I went back up to the desk.

“Look here,” I said, “do you suppose you may have another table that doesn’t feature bigfoot?”


“Maybe I?” she said.

This was sickening.

“No,” I answered. “You mayn’t, the sudden.”

“Then how?” she asked, laughing. Laughing!

“Simple,” I said. “Throw him out.”

“Oh, you may?”

That was all I needed.

I returned to the table.

Mr. Bigfoot was still dipping his beard about the place, like it owned everything.


“Look here,” I said, “there’s only this table left, I hear the sudden, so you must leave. You’ve been here far too long.”

Another fiendish grunt.

And then, of course, I tackled him to the floor, got him in a triangle, and sorta choked him out.

I was filthy after the encounter, but I now have bragging rights:

This professor has defeated Bigfoot.


What is this, do you suppose?

professor speaks

So, yes, that’s the question. What is this, do you suppose?


Now, there could be a few answers to that question.

But I’m talking about the long, stringy, green plant-like thingy in the forefront of the picture.

Dost thou know?

I’m not sure either.

Someone mentioned an onion.

I don’t believe it, of course.

After all, this is an onion:

This Is What Happens When You Put An Onion In Your Ear Overnight

Ew no! I meant this:


This is a great lesson why never to search for things on google. You might get anything.

Here we are:


Now I’ve completely lost my train of thought.

So, here, dadblame it all.

Naked Mole Rat

Naked Mole Rat

Causing Trouble is Fun

professor speaks

“I’m so mean. And dirty. Very dirty. Filthy, even.”

“You always say that; I don’t believe it.”

“Why not?”

“Prove it.”


Nick Warren paused for one to three moments, leaned forward a bit, then said, in a low voice I’m sure the big rotten wolf adopts to scare the little piggies, “See that table over there? Join them. Just walk up and sit down.”

Now, this professor must get a few things out-of-the-way. First, the professor is not a little piggy. I could see where you might think that ’cause of the words above and whatnot. If you were thinking it, please cut it out of your brain, the sudden.

Use this, if you must.

Use this, if you must.

Next, the professor and Nick were in a restaurant, and the room Nick had pointed out was a private room within the restaurant.

You know, the rooms that big parties go to just so people won’t go and bother them. The doors were shut, but everyone could see through the glass. Not sure what the net gain was there.

It didn't look like this. I just threw this in here, 'cause I think it's a funny picture.

It didn’t look like this. I just threw this in here, ’cause I think it’s a funny picture. By the way, for those of you who care about such things, Brett Herbert dined in that room.

Anyways and some…

“Well?” Nick pressed.

“It’s a private party in there.”

“I know.”

“Full of old women.”

“I know.”

“They’re the meanest.”

“Oh don’t I know.”

“Okay, I’ll do it. Dadblameit.”

“Really?” Nick was surprised.

“Yeah,” I said, “this professor is a filthy warrior, and I’ll prove it.”

So, two short ticks later, the professor was at the door.

Now, here’s the key: When about to do something, always look confident. Confidence is worth five more than you think it is.

I swung the door open.

The ladies looked up. There was about six or so of them.

“Can we help you?” one lady with red hair said.

It was dyed, I’m thinking, mind.

I closed the door and stepped into the room.

“Not at all,” I said, adopting the tone of the big rotten wolf. “I’m just going back and forth throughout the earth is all.”

Another of the women–obviously the leader of the group–said: “This is a private book club. For women. No men are allowed in.”

“That’s something,” the professor said, pulling a chair out and sitting next to her. “How do you suppose I got in, then? Nice earrings, btw.”

She liked that. But the earrings were ugly. I lied. I do that every other day, you know.

“Did Nancy invite you?” a tall skinny woman said. “Did she?! We explicitly told her no men!”

“How explicitly did you tell her?” I asked.

That got her.

“Humph! We’ll see what Nancy says when she gets here! I, for one, don’t believe you! We’ll see what Nancy says!”

“I hope it’s not explicit again,” I said.

And I shouldn’t have. I was being mean. It’s all Nick’s fault, see. Such a bad influence, he is.

Then I did the clincher: “I’m actually her nephew, twice removed from where I should be.”

That got them. I’d won at the point. The professor wasn’t leaving, and they weren’t going to make me.

The red-haired lady took up the conversation:

“So…” she said, searching for something. “What’s your favorite novel?”

“The shortest one on table,” I replied.

And that’s when Nancy walked in. There was an air of disapproval about her. I was terrified, of course.


“We were being entertained by your nephew,” the lady with the ugly earrings said.

“My nephew?” Nancy looked about the room like a naked mole rat.

Naked Mole Rat

Naked Mole Rat

Then she spotted me. “He’s not mine! I won’t take credit for that!”

“I left the water on!” I shouted. Not the best line, but I was thinking fastly fast.

And I bolted.


“Nah,” Nick said. “You didn’t stay in there long enough.”

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Depends on the day, see.

Punchy Argot:

1. Dadblameit.
2. Humdinger
3. Chickit
4. Chicky-woot-woot
5. Malediction
6. Rapscallion
7. Gardoobled
8. Congratulilolations
9. Togoggin
10. Gargonic
11. Two and Five Gurgles
12. Rats and a Heifer
13. Two nods, a wink, and an astroid
14. A bit, bits, and little bits
15. Huff-Hum and a Roar
16. So many thanks, I can't begin to thank you
17. Ri-do-diculous

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