The professor strongly recommends before reading this post, to visit each of the following profiles for a quick review: The Punchies, Kirk, Arnold, Mitchum, Humphrey, Sylvester, and Punchy Murdoch. You may want to look at Schwarz as well.
Kirk—leader of the Punchies—was dead. This must be distinctly understood, or nothing Punchyish can come of this tale.
The events surrounding Kirk’s death were shrouded in mystery. Here are the known facts, in bullet statements. Easier to understand that way, I think.
• Kirk left the Punchy Cave to visit his father, Punchy Murdoch.
• Punchy Murdoch later returned to the Punchy Cave with a coffin.
• Punchy Murdoch claimed that Kirk had died while he was visiting him, and that his son was now in the coffin, awaiting burial.
• The other Punchies accepted what Punchy Murdoch told them without reservation.
• The Punchies prepared Kirk’s funeral.
That was about all that was known. The Punchies scheduled the funeral, and were somewhat excited about Punchy Murdoch taking over his son’s post as the leader. At least, that’s what they were expecting to happen.
What they weren’t expecting, however, was for Schwarz Tauptinker to show up at the funeral…
The Punchies sat around an oak table; Kirk’s coffin was close by.
“My dears,” Punchy Murdoch began as he addressed the Punchies, “I know that Kirk’s sudden and unexpected death has left us all a bit uneasy.”
“Not me!” Arnold, the orange Punchy, thundered. “Kirk had it coming to him. He was always so mean.”
Punchy Murdoch glared angrily at Arnold for a moment, until Mitchum got his attention.
“Punchy Murdoch,” the blue Punchy, Mitchum, said, “do we know why Kirk died?”
“Good question, good question.” Humphrey, the red Punchy, nodded his approval. “We must needs know.”
“Well, Mr. Blue and Red,” Punchy Murdoch began, “Kirk just dropped dead while we were having our tea together. I believe that the cause of death had to do with worms in the brain.”
Sylvester, the tough Punchy, smiled. “I always knew Kirk had worms in the brain.”
Punchy Murdoch scowled, but did his best to hide it.
“Yeah, me too!” Arnold chimed in.
“Never mind about that,” Punchy Murdoch said, with a wave of his hand. “Let’s get on with the funeral.”
But, suddenly, a voice broke out:
“I don’t think so! Chickit!” Schwarz stepped into the room, a huge, monstrous gun in his hands. “I’m greatly disturbed—tell you what!”
Punchy Murdoch raised his eyebrows in turn. Then he spread his arms wide. “All of the Punchies know you’re disturbed, Schwarz. This is a private funeral; you must leave immediately.”
“I don’t think so, dude,” Schwarz said. “Do you know why I’m here? It’s ‘cause you killed your son just so you could take over his position as leader of the Punchies!”
All of the Punchies gasped—save Punchy Murdoch.
And he grew immediately flustered.
“Don’t listen to him, dear Punchies!” he said. “He knows not about what he speaks!”
“Oh, I so do!” Schwarz returned. “I’ve dogged you all the way across the desert back to this cave, and I know that you killed your son, dude! Chickit!”
Punchy Murdoch became alarmed. “You followed me here? Did you see anything?”
“Yeah, I saw you dragging the coffin back and mumbling to yourself how it wasn’t worth it. I’m glad that you think killing your son wasn’t worth it—but you still sinned big time, man!”
Punchy Murdoch screamed out, “Clasp thy lip, infidel!”
Schwarz jumped across the table and pinned Punchy Murdoch to the wall with his gun.
“Punchies, save me!” Punchy Murdoch yelled.
“I don’t know,” Arnold said. “Kirk might have deserved to die, but it wasn’t right of you to do it.”
The other Punchies nodded.
“Why don’t you open the coffin, Arnold?” Schwarz suggested, not for a moment looking away from Punchy Murdoch. “Then we can see if he’s lying!”
Sylvester stood, spat on the table, and threw open the lid to Kirk’s coffin.
Everyone craned to look.
The coffin was…
“Chickit!” Schwarz said. “It’s worse than we thought! He buried him out in the place of murder, ‘cause it was such a gory death!”
All the Punchies gasped. Then, they began to chant:
“Shoot the murderer. Shoot the murderer.”
Schwarz nodded. “You killed your baby boy.”
“Wait!” Punchy Murdoch screamed. “I am Kirk! Don’t shoot! I’m Kirk!”
Schwarz shook his head. “Nope. You and Kirk looked the same, but you’ve got a long white beard. You’re definitely not Kirk.”
“But I got his dirk!” Punchy Murdoch said desperately.
Schwarz looked at Punchy Murdoch’s belt. “You stole it once you killed him. That’s what you did! Chickit are you cruel!”
“NO!” Punchy Murdoch yelled.
“You killed your baby boy,” Schwarz said. “And now you got to pay.”
Schwarz cocked his gun.
“Wait!” Punchy Murdoch said. “Don’t do it! I’m Kirk!” Then he reached up and pulled of his beard. “I’m Kirk!”
Schwarz looked at him quizzically for a moment, all the Punchies gaped.
For a moment Schwarz seemed uncertain; then he shook his head.
“Na,” he said. “Na.”
Schwarz pulled the trigger…
O Punchy Family—thoughts please!