Lying Cups

“Look here,” I said, “I’m not sure you get the point of it.”

“Oh, I get the point of it,” he said.

“Not at all,” I returned. “If you did, you’d know what I meant when I said ‘get the point of it’.”

He put his head in his hands in a dramatic fashion.

“Can you please make some sense?” he tried again.

“Okay, look here,” I said, preparing to go over all the details again. “There’s no way this cup”–and I indicated a 32 oz. canteen–“can survive a 500 ft. drop into a canyon full of the rockiest rocks ever.”

“It doesn’t say it can do that,” he returned sharply.

I gave him the professor face. I do that from time to time, you know. It can be rather effective, too. #scary

“It says it can on the cup,” I said.

“Show me.”

So, I did.

And I quote: Able to withstand up to a 500 ft. drop!

“It doesn’t say anything about rocks being at the bottom,” he said.

“Well,” I said, “that’s my problem, see. At the bottom of every canyon, there’s rocks, double-see, and I think it’s telling they left out the rocks bit, triple-see. It’s kinda like saying the cup can survive the fall, only if there are no rocks at the bottom. But there are ALWAYS rocks at the bottom of a canyon.”

“Are you for real?

I stopped. The professor may or may not have been getting a little cranky here. #timetoriot

“Last time I checked,” I said, “I found that I was very real–and brutally scary.”

“Look,” he said, “if you’re really worried about this cup surviving a 500 ft. drop, then there’s something wrong in your life.”

I put the cup back on the shelf.

“This professor, you must understand, does not buy lying cups.”

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The professor is Robbed

So, I have something horribly and dastardly vexing to admit:

This professor’s picture was in the paper. It was a picture of a group hug.

But in all fairness, I was pulled into the group hug. I can’t really be blamed.

Julia Thompson (she stole my paper) published it on the front page of PT News. Just goes to show you that PT News is really struggling if that has to be on the front page.

This is something of a group hug. And after seeing it, I’m not sure what the difference is betwixt a group hug and a family portrait.

But anyways and some more, why dwell on the frightful?

After this professor got home from the ball, it was rather late. So I stayed up even longer.

You know how it is: When you’re super tired and it is super late, you just never end up going to bed. It’s a wonder.

So, when the sun showed its face, the professor was waiting, just staring ahead.

I was tired.

I was messy

I was in a cranky mood.

All that was perfect for what happened next:

The doorbell rang.

Rats and a Heifer!

The professor slipped on his slippers, slipped on my robe, and slipped to the door. Quite literally, I fear.

My feet were working independently from my mind. It was ghastly and vexing.

I must admit, I was kinda miffed that I had to open the door, but whatever whynot.

It was still early. Must be sleeping, the other ones.

I looked through the peephole. Always important to do. You never want to let a real bad chap in, after all.

A peephole

But, here’s the thing: I didn’t see anyone through the peephole, so I opened the door for a better look.

A fellow was standing there, all in black. With a hoody on.

He pointed this at me:

It’s a gun, I think.

“Move aside,” he said, “and don’t do anything. I’ve got an appointment in your house.”

I moved to the side. After all, who am I to stop him?

“Hope they come soon, your appointment,” I said as he entered,”I’m the only person here at the minute.”

He just gave a mean smile and continued to my office.

I followed, of course. After all, it was my house.

He tried to open a desk drawer; it was locked.

He went for another drawer; it was locked.

Then he looked at me. “Open these things!”

“I would,” I answered, “but I don’t have the keys.”

“Don’t believe you!” he snarled.

And that’s when LottieOllie came in.

Made me jump it did.

“PVJ,” she said, “open the drawers…or else.”

PL Reporter–2ndE

2nd Edition
5 2014

~~~

Segment A
Punchy Proverbs

All proverbs are written by V. Shnodgrate unless noted otherwise.

1. Paying an insult is a tricky business; it must be done in such a way as to make the recipient wonder if one was really just presented.

2. Some things are inexplicable; like how time can go so fast when minutes only crawl by.

3. Snakes are hard to spot; especially when they’re wearing suits.

Favorites, PF? The professor really likes #3. Only I wear cargo pants.

~~~

Segment B
Severe Weather Report

It has been hurricane-ing (new, splendid word) atop Mr. Magi’s cave—which is far below the waves of the Atlantic Ocean. He has decided to hibernate one day longer as a result. The Punchy Lands is bound to get out of order.

~~~

Segment C
Featured Story: The Manly House
by J. Freedwoppen

The Punchy Lands was thrown into an uproar when Jazzy Couldren’s The Manly House (his training studio) opened this past day and some.

[Icon made by Icomoon from www.flaticon.com]

“My house is to make men know how to be manly,” Manly-Man said.

When I asked Manly-Man if manliness was a dying art, he replied, “Yeah, you know it is.”

Already, The Manly House is quite full of eager men wanting to get manly.

The bonus?

Manly-Man is their personal instructor.

[Icon made by Freepik from www.flaticon.com]

Secrets agents Mark Malone and Lottie Ollie will be watched out for, Manly-Man said.

“We need manliness. Not girly manliness.”

~~~

Segment D
MicP Studios—Behind the Scenes
by Nicholas Warren

The walls were lime green. In the truest sense of lime green. Maybe even limier than a lime. It was bad. That was the first thing I thought upon entering the studio. I turned to VJ. “What happened?”

He didn’t really seem to care. “Well, I asked the Audio Engineers to paint the room. Do you like it? I think it’s rather spicy, but I’m not sure I like it.”

“It’s horrendous. I would imagine they’re more than colorblind. Why would you hire them?”

“Well, I’d supposed they needed something to do. When not engineering, you know…”

“Whatever. Let’s get to work on this project.”

VJ had called me in to work on a particular project he was having a hard time with. Or just wasn’t trying with. He says it was the former. I think it was the latter.

So we got down to work. Two hours later, we were almost finished. Just a few lines to go. That’s when the Professor got hungry and went to make himself soup.

I finished the lines. And then it happened.

And it was the lime green walls’ fault. I never forget.

But this time I did.

I clicked the ‘X’ button without saving. It didn’t even prompt me to save.

I just stared at the screen and felt like roaring.

VJ came in and I told him what happened.

The professor laughed a little and cried a little. Then he winked a whole bunch. “I need to get lunch. Let’s finish this tomorrow.”

And we were done until the next day.

~~~

Segment E
A Conversation

JULLIARD SALAMI: So, you look particularly ugly today.
RUBER SALAMI: Why thank you, Julliard, my rotten cousin.
JULLIARD SALAMI: Of course, there’s nothing wrong with being ugly when you could be uglier.
RUBER SALAMI: Julliard, I feel like harpooning you today.
JULLIARD SALAMI: You don’t even know how to throw a harpoon.
RUBER SALAMI: Well, let’s practice.

~~~

Questions for Nicholas Warren? Comment here!
Need more information on any PL topic? Comment below to J. Freedwoppen!
Copyright 2014

PL Reporter–1stE

1st Edition
28 2014

~~~

Segment A
Punchy Proverbs

All proverbs are written by V. Shnodgrate unless noted otherwise.

1. Patience is a virtue—unless you’re in a hurry.
2. A teacher is not necessary in order to learn. Only ardent desire is.
3. Certain truths can never be proven.

Favorites, PF?

~~~

Segment B
Severe Weather Report

It has been raining at Prince Beef’s palace for five weeks straight.
“We collect the rain in buckets,” Prince Beef has said. “We might as well drink it.”

~~~

Segment C
Featured Story: Cavootti Pond
by J. Freedwoppen

“Fish from the Cavootti Pond are the best tasting fish I’ve ever had,” said Fats Henry. “Too bad they’re poisonous.”

But that could be a problem of the past.

[Icon made by OCHA from www.flaticon.com]

Ruber Salami, owner of the famed restaurant Ruber’s Catering, and renowned business man, Mortimer Butterfield, have been hard at work on the Cavootti fish problem.

“It’s all taken care of,” Butterfield said. “We’ve found a way to un-poison the fish. Perfectly safe now!”

Ruber and Butterfield are making a killer profit, selling the fish throughout the Punchy Lands.

But there are some skeptics.

“That fish is just no good,” Manly-Man said.

Mr. Magi is distrustful as well. “We’ll see, but I doubt the problem’s been resolved.”

~~~

Segment D
MicP Studios—Behind the Scenes
by Nicholas Warren

The Professor, or VJ, as I call him, has decided I should write an article every week. At least, most weeks. This is to give you a glimpse into studio life. I guess he didn’t think I had enough to do. But…he’s difficult to argue with.

This week, I was trying to do some writing, when my phone rang. It was the studio’s audio engineers. Apparently, they were having issues with Daddy Salami.

He didn’t like one of the lines he had to say in an AurToon.

I called VJ, but he was busy with…something he doesn’t want me to tell you about. So Mic (the director) and I both went over to the studio.

It took some convincing, but we managed to bribe Daddy Salami into saying that line.

It was really the audio engineers’ fault to begin with, anyway. If you remember them from some of the studio vids we’ve put out, you’ll know that they can be annoying. I’d get rid of them, personally. But VJ and Mic, I think, like them.

I guess they’re good. We need them.

~~~

Segment E
A Conversation

DADDY SALAMI: Do you ever feel like a noodle, cur?
SMILES RIOT: Not sure. What does a noodle feel like?
DADDY SALAMI: You’re dumber than I thought, hehaha!
SMILES RIOT: I wonder if noodles cry out—when they’re getting boiled.
DADDY SALAMI: I’ll stick your head into the boiling water next time, and we’ll see if you hear anything.

~~~

Questions for Nicholas Warren? Comment here!
Need more information on any PL topic? Ask J. Freedwoppen here!
Copyright 2014

PL Times, E18

The PL Times
The Official Punchy Lands’ Newspaper
Monday, January 20, 2014
Edition 18
—————————————————————————————————-

Section A. Punchy Proverbs:

A short note from V. Shnodgrate:

“I apologize for my absence last week. I apologize for what you read last week. I apologize for Fats Henry’s proverb last week.”

~ V. Shnodgrate

(1) The world spins, but we are not aware of it.

(2) To be wicked is to embrace your nature.

(3) The outcome is always known.

Any favorites, PF?

““““““““““““

Section B. Something you should know about the professor:

I have decided that I do not want to be known as Smiles Riot. In fact, I should stick with my real name: VJ Duke. You may be wondering why the professor thinks of Smiles Riot as his hero. I should tell the story of our acquaintance.

““““““““““““

Section C. What the PL’ers have to say:

A short conversation:

SMILES RIOT: If I was on a park bench waiting for a bus, where would you be?

BUD PARKER: Bud, the question floors me, to be honest with you.

RIOT: But I didn’t ask for your honesty. I asked where you’d be.

PARKER: Boy, oh boy, bud. You’re a trip!

RIOT: If you’re waiting for the bus, I suppose you’re about to go on a trip. But since you couldn’t answer my question, I must assume you’re negative.

PARKER: Negative?

RIOT: Negative on brain power.

““““““““““““

Section D. Breaking News:

Bud Parker reported to the authorities that he met and spoke with Mr. Smiles Riot. It is believed, however, that Mr. Riot escaped to England with the stolen music box.

King Arthur has refused to give Smiles Riot up.

Mark Malone may be sent in to bring Mr. Riot to justice.

But The Veezler has ordered that Mr. Riot be left alone.

““““““““““““

Section E. Featured Story: King Arthur
by J. Freedwoppen

“Basically, we won’t give him up, because he’s not a villain, not a blackheart, and did nothing wrong in my kingdom!”

When asked about the threat that secret agent, Mark Malone, and Boris the Green pose, Arthur laughed.

“The only reason those two are still alive is because I’ve never caught them! They’ll never be able to apprehend Smiles Riot! Never!”

But some are not so sure.

““““““““““““

Section F. Ask a PL’er a question:

Any questions for a specific PL’er? Ask here! [If the professor forgot to ask your question, let me know of my blunder immediately!]

““““““““““““

Section G. Hearing from the PL Family:

PL family, if you have any questions about the Punchy Lands, characters, or anything Punchy, feel free to comment below.

The Punchy Times principal reporter, J. Freedwoppen, would be more than glad to cover or investigate your query. [Make sure to clearly indicate your question for Mr. Freedwoppen. If the professor forgot to ask your question, let me know of my blunder immediately!]

***

One question for J. Freedwoppen this week, from elprice2013 (Bethy):

Q: Why is Monday the 13th not more superstitious than Friday the 13th?

This is a very interesting question, Bethy. It turns out that Daddy Salami considers Monday the 13th to be more superstitious than Friday the 13th!
His reasoning is that his son, Ruber Salami, was born on Monday the 13th—hence, it’s far more superstitious.

Merlin considers both days to be highly superstitious.

So, it really depends on which PL’er you ask.
~ J. Freedwoppen.