Posts Tagged 'Mr. Magi'

Decisions, Decisions

What makes something precious? The amount of people willing to die for it.

V. Shnodgrate, Renowned PL Poet

UntitledThe professor stopped right there and his jaw dropped a bit, bits, and little bits.

“You’re working for Mr. Magi?!” I asked.

After all, this professor wasn’t on good terms with Mr. Magi. He was of the school of thought that this professor was a thiever, because well, I took the Jeweled Katana to prevent further thieving.

Just goes to show you that they learn nothing in school, really.

Sweet Sue turned and looked at me, as if she was maddened she had to explain. She was always like that, see.


And to the point.

I wear a shirt like this every other day.

I wear a shirt like this every other day.

Great spy characteristics is one of her strong suits, see.

“I said freelance, Noodle. No one owns me but myself. Don’t worry, I’m not going to turn you in. I was there when you and Mr. Magi threw down the gauntlet.”

“You were?” The professor may have been shocked. Not that I’ll admit it freely again, though, see.

Sweet Sue just looked at me. You know. That look.

“Well,” Clara Higgins huffed, looking at Sweet Sue. “I think you should turn him in! He’s the one that got me involved in this whole thing!”

“Did he really?” Schwarz Tauptinker said, shaking his from side to side and staring at me. “I don’t believe it…”

But he did.

“We better get a move on,” Sweet Sue said. “If you want to get out of Prince Beef’s palace alive.”

And that’s when the cat–who had attacked the guard–jumped back into the basket.

“Ahh, George,” Sweet Sue said. “Where would I be without you?” George looked at her with his eye lids at half-mast and purred loudly enough to scare a grizzly bear.

George and Sweet Sue are un-seperate-able. This is fact. The professor should get a cat.

This is another fact.

I’m full of facts today, I think.

Check it out! A list of cat fats. This just fits somehow...

Check it out! A list of cat facts. This just fits somehow…

Anyways and some, Sweet Sue and George led us through the caverns of the prison until we all popped out in a small forest near the palace.

This professor could see the palace from the forest. Which was neatio. Keeping an eye on things, see. It’s always good to be able to see, double-see.

“Now,” Bud Parker said, folding his arms. “We’ve got to regroup and go back in.”

“What?!” Clara wasn’t happy–she was almost howling.

“We do,” Schwarz admitted. “We need the katana, oh yeah.”

“Schwarz, no,” Gertrude said. “Let’s just go.”

“No, baby sister,” Schwarz replied. “Must. Do. It. Do it NOW!”

“We’ve been trying for it for some time,” Parker said, casting me an ugly look. “PVJ got in the way, though.”

“Look here,” I said.

And everyone did.

I was surprised it worked. Must remember it works that way, see. #MentalNote

“This sort of thing is quite vexing. Let me be frank–“

“I thought you were PVJ,” Schwarz interrupted.

That was a thing.

“Well, then,” I continued, “just let me say this: Originally, this professor thieved the katana in order to stop Prince Beef from having Fats Henry thieve the Diamond of Drake. I thieved to stop thieving. Which sorta makes thieving okay.”

“No, it doesn’t,” Clara mumbled. “It was stupid.”

“Since then,” I continued undaunted by the mumbling, “things have happened. The marriage has been called off.”

Gertrude started to cry here. “There…there…there was going to be a party tonight to celebrate our marriage! But…but…but…then she came along!”

Clara looked away.

“But,” I said, continuing on my professorishly topic, “Prince Beef still wants the Diamond of Drake. Which means, we’re right back where we started at.”

“Bud,” Parker said, “Schwarz and I are moving in. Tonight. We want the sword.”

“Oh yeah, yeah, yeah,” Schwarz agreed. “The Prince is still going to have the party, I’m sure. You don’t have all that stuff prepared just to waste it, tell you what.”

The professor’s mind went like this:

The katana the prince had was fake; but they didn’t know that; they would make a great distraction if this professor needed to go back in tonight; did the professor need to go back in tonight?

I looked at Sweet Sue. Sue looked back at me. We both nodded. And then it became clear.

PL Symbol


Sweet Sue Busts Us Out

Big ups and thanks to Susan Price for brainstorming with me on this one. In TPL, she’s Sweet Sue. Yo.

If you feel vicious, take it out on the weeds.

V. Shnodgrate, Renowned PL Poet

UntitledSo, there we were.

Sitting in a dark, dank prison. And it was full of lice, ticks, spiders, worms, and the scurvy.

Anyways, it was quite a meeting. Sort of.

We were all sitting in a circle: Schwarz Tauptinker, Bud Parker, Clara Higgins, Gertrude Tauptinker, and of course, this naughty, naughty professor.

None of these dispirited ones were talking either.

“So,” this professor said, breaking the silence. “We’re all going to die, that’s an interest.”

“Shut-up!” Clara snapped.

Schwarz piped up to announce: “I’m not going to die, tell you what, chickit. I’m busting out! Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.”

“Yeah sure, bud,” Parker said. “Like that’s going to happen. We’re like heavily guarded.”

Gertrude started to cry.

“Stop it, man!” Schwarz yelled at Parker. “Look what you’re doing to my sister, dude! Just stop, man.”

Silence again.

It was also very dark in the cell.


The door was shut, tho.

Presently, a quiet sound that grew louder filled the room.

“And this,” said a narrating voice, “is where we keep the worst of the criminals.”

It was a group of people. A tour.

See, every so oftens, tours come through Prince Beef’s palace.

What a thing.

I felt like a bear in a zoo.


The professor.

The group stopped in front of our cell.

“Look at them,” the tour guide said. “The worst of the worst.”

I must admit, Clara did look pretty bad, but I thought I was rather spiffy looking, still.

Of course, this professor scanned the group…and that’s when I spotted someone who I didn’t expect to see.

Sweet Sue. There she was, mingling in the crowd.

But she had many other different names, really. See, Sweet Sue is an epic spy, always going about the land doing secret missions of the upmost importance.

There was no way, of course, that she was just here for a tour. Besides, this professor and Sweet Sue are great friends. I looked at her.

She looked at me and I saw she had a basket with something orange and white moving in it.

Then I knew that she knew: She was going to bust us out.

The group left and this professor stood.

“Well, well, welly,” I said. “Dadblame all the ticks in here, we’re getting out.”

“I knew it would happen if I was patient,” Schwarz answered, standing.

Parker shook his head. “Don’t get your hopes up, bud.”

“Just shut-up, all of you,” Clara said. “We’re not getting out, we’re going to die.”

“You shouldn’t have attacked Prince Beef.”


“Please what?”

“Please stop.”

“If you insist,” I said.

“I do.”


Footsteps again. And light.

It was Sweet Sue with her moving basket.

“I’ll get you all out of here,” she said. “But just because the professor and I are friends.”

There were some exclamations of surprise amongst the group.

“You’re friends with PVJ?” Parker asked.

“Yes,” she answered. “We’ve done missions together before.”

“Secret, secret missions,” I said. “I’m an inhuman spy.”

“Knew that,” Clara mumbled.

“They were wonderfully great missions,” she said.

Then Sweet Sue had the door open very fastly fast. How she did it, I’ll never know. But she’s like that: Quick as a sleeping chap winking. Which is very fast, since sleeping chaps never wink.

In an instant and some, we were all out and following her down the hallway.

“Do you know the way out of here?” I asked.

“Absolutely,” she said.

And that’s when we ran into a guard. At the same moment, something white and orange jumped out of the wobbly basket and distracted the guard with his claws before the guard could say cat.


But that’s all he got out.

In another twinkle (sleeping wink), Sue had him on the ground and out of the game.

“Why are you here?” I whispered as we left the palace.

“I’m working freelance for Mr. Magi…”

Oh dear.

PL Symbol

Gone, In a Twinkle Or Two

It is usually logical to assume logical things. 

V. Shnodgrate, Renowned PL Poet

UntitledA fake?

How could it be a fake?

Simple. It was built as a fake.

Rats and a Heifer!

King Arthur was a cunning rat. If indeed he was the one that faked it.

But first things first. Otherwise, the second and third things start to try and fight for first place. Never a good thing, you know, you know.

Anyways and some, the tavern was ugly.


I looked for a place to hide.

There was none.

It’d be a battle.

The door swung open behind me, and I turned in slow motion–sorta like in the movies.

But standing in the doorway wasn’t Mr. Magi

…it was Fats Henry.

And he was huge, and huge, and scowling, and huge.

He was also carrying a bat with spikes.

It looked something like this. Now, isn't this the most coolest baseball bat ever? You can each get me one for my b-day. Many pleases and thank yous.

It looked something like this. Now, isn’t this the most coolest baseball bat ever? You can each get me one for my b-day. Many pleases and thank yous.

The professor stood his ground, of course, and drew out the katana with plastic jewels. It might’ve been a fake, but it was still steel. Which is far better than steal still.

I picked off a fake ruby from the hilt.

“Well, well,” Fats Henry boomed.

A hush fell upon the tavern. Not that there were many people there. But still, they hushed right up like a bunch of olives in a salad of fruit.

(Olives are intimidated by fruit, see, that’s why they hush. Mindeth-never.)

“Who would’ve thought I’d run into you here, huh? Henry swiped at me with his bat.

The professor dodged and I chucked the fake ruby at him. It bounced off his head.

“I bet you did,” I said. “After all, you saw me land here, I do believe. And you came looking here.”

The professor threw an emerald this time.

“What?!” Henry roared. “I always knew you were rich, but not rich enough to waste precious gems! Now give me the katana!!”

And he swung again, but I caught it on the sword this time. Henry thought this was the real katana. An interest.

We entered into an intense battle of swordplay. Well, batplay for Fats.

Now, the thing is, Mr. Magi entered soon after Fats Henry did.

He came barging right through, like a bison to a party.

“What…” he sputtered. “Enough of this!”

And out came his cane.

Which is bad.

It’s sorta like a wand, don’t you see. And sometimes he does things with it he doesn’t mean to do.

He swung it once, twice, then thrice.

“Oh no!” Henry yelled, ducking for cover.

“Professor VJ Duke, you handsome bastard,” I said, “run.”

(Sometimes I have speaks with myself. Helps me stay motivated, see.)

But it was all fruitful. Wait. Fruitless. It was all fruitless. Yes, that’s it.

There was a flash, a twinkle.

And then the professor found himself inside Prince Beef’s palace.

Clara Higgins was standing right there.

She dropped the tea cup she was carrying.


PL Symbol

Faked by a Fake

Every disbelief is a belief.

V. Shnodgrate, Renowned PL Poet

UntitledSo, out of King Arthur’s castle this professor went–with the katana.

Yay. Victory. I’d won. Time to celebrate.

But I didn’t, of course. Celebrating is really something that’s not good to do. See, when you start celebrating someone usually shows up and shows you why you shouldn’t be celebrating.

Therefore, celebrate in name only. #HistoryLesson

Okay, so it was dark out.

Night, even.

Well, it was night.


Like this, only the Dinosaur Comet wasn’t coming.

Pretty soon–sooner than a bee making honey–this professor was lost amongst the buildings, shacks, and condos that made up the town or village around the castle.

(I don’t think there were condos, but I couldn’t think of another word for ‘shack’ or ‘building.’)

Now, this was thing: The professor had the Jeweled Katana.

What to do?

Well, it’d be nice to return home. That was the thing, see. Returning home is always nice.

But how to get across the big ocean very fastly fast? The professor had never been a good swimmer, see.

This fellow could do it.

This fellow could do it.

As the professor was thinking all these things, I ran into a chap I hadn’t seen in centuries. Well, not that long, but such a long time you wouldn’t believe.

Mr. Magi.

He still dressed the same: Short black cape, top hat, cane with a bobble thingy at the top, shiny black shoes.

And his black mustache seemed twitched up a few notches in terror.

“Young man,” he said, looking from me to the naked sword I was carrying.

(Naked sword = no scabbard.) 

“That sword–“

“Katana, you mean,” I interrupted.

“Yes, yes whatever.”

I did have a good point. It was a katana not a sword, I’d decided.

“That sword,” he tried again.

In truth, this is true: I was going to interrupt him again. But I figured it’d just set the whole conversation back. And we really had to get on. After all, the king was sorta after me. So I let him continue.

“It is wanted by practically everyone in TPL!”

“Don’t I know it,” I replied. “Why, this professor has nearly lost his toes on a few occasions.”

Mr. Magi raised his eyebrow–left one–at that.

Then he said something quite shocking: “Give me the sword. It must be returned to its rightful owner.”

“But we can’t do that, the sudden,” I said. “See, here’s the thing: Prince Beef was going to give the katana to Fats Henry if Henry stole the Diamond of Drake. Since this professor is so upright and smooth, I decided I better thieve the katana in order to stop the thieving of the Diamond of Drake.”

“Flawed thinking there, young man. Flawed thinking. Why does he want the Diamond of Drake?”

“For a wedding ring for Gertrude. But anyways and some, you can’t return it to the Beef, see. It will only cause more thieving. Sometimes you must be immoral to stop greater immorality.”

Mr. Magi shook his head. “Your logic is flawed. One, I must return it. Two, I’ll talk to Fats Henry and make sure he doesn’t steal the Diamond of Drake.”

“Three,” I finished, “I’m outta here.”

And I turned and ran.

Into the nearest tavern. Right through the door, up the stairs, and into the first room.

I shut the door and readied myself for an assault.

And that’s when a jewel fell off the katana’s hilt. It hit the ground with a click not a clack.

That was a big problem.

And also enlightening…

The katana I was holding…

…was a fake.

PL Symbol

In the Library & Stopping Smokes


My name is Professor VJ Duke.


Sorry. I just had to do that, the sudden. You see, it’s quite fun introducing yourself and then taking a bow.


Even though I hear that when you bow your organs twist over themselves. That’s what my analysts say, don’t you know.

So, anyways, this professor was about one day, when I decided to go see Prince Beef. Now, here’s the thing: this Prince Beef chap is a monarch and he’s not too nice. He’s rather mighty about the gills–at least, that’s how he feels from time to time.

After tripping up and down the sidewalk, and crossing a few haphazard streets, I made it to the palace.

And I went in.

I’m something of a celebrity there, see.

The chap who always opens the door likes me.

“Good to see you, PVJ,” he said. “They’re all in the library.”

I bowed slightly and gave him my top hat.

“Watch this with your life,” I said. “It contains the secret of the lifeline.”

I left him a bit bewildered.

And I walked.

And walked.

And began to sing and walk.

The palace is huge, see.

Eventually, the singing and walking turned into singing and skipping slash dancing around. It was an awful sight to behold, I’m sure, but I wasn’t beholding it since my eyes are stuck in my head.

And then…!

Huff-Hum and a roar, I was there.

At the library.


Schwarz Tauptinker and The Veezler were standing outside at the water fountain.

“You fellows going in?” I asked.

The Veezler looked up and smiled. “Oh yes.”

“Soon as I take a smoke,” Schwarz said, reaching for a pack of cigarettes in his pocket.

He pulled a thin white thing out, put it in his mouth, and went for the lighter.

“Chickit!” he said. “I am so gangster right now.”

Now, he was about to light it. So, this professor did what was necessary.

I reached forward and knocked the white thing from his mouth.

“I’m so sorry,” I said. “There was a fly there.”

“You sinned,” Schwarz answered.

At that moment, Mr. Magi passed into the library.

I followed.

TPL Schedule

Sunday: OFF — Day of Shalt Nots

Monday: TPL Story

Tuesday: OFF — Because I'm Gone

Wednesday: Professor Speaks

Thursday: OFF — Because Yes

Friday: OFF — All Day Sleep Does

Saturday: OFF — Blue-Footed Boobies Need Fed

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email!

Join 1,868 other followers

Follow The Punchy Lands! on

Blog Stats

  • 116,149 hits

Join the Professor on Twitter!

Professorish Smiley:




Depends on the day, see.

Punchy Argot:

1. Dadblameit.
2. Humdinger
3. Chickit
4. Chicky-woot-woot
5. Malediction
6. Rapscallion
7. Gardoobled
8. Congratulilolations
9. Togoggin
10. Gargonic
11. Two and Five Gurgles
12. Rats and a Heifer
13. Two nods, a wink, and an astroid
14. A bit, bits, and little bits
15. Huff-Hum and a Roar
16. So many thanks, I can't begin to thank you
17. Ri-do-diculous


%d bloggers like this: