Posts Tagged 'no more'

The WORST Thing in the World…!


Let’s be honest for a split second. (Not that I’m not honest for every other second, mind.)

What is the worst thing ever?

You might be tempted to say: Why, the worst thing ever is when a baby lizard is brutally murdered by a snapping turtle who feels encroached upon after eating a hearty breakfast and laying in the sun to aid in the digestion process, which is quite finicky to say the least.

This is true, yes, but you’d be wrong.

That’s second.

The first worst thing is getting up early.

Very early.

Like 4am early.

That’s bad.

So, so dadblame bad.

It goes like this:

The alarm rings and you shut it off. After all, how dare it wake you up?!

Alarm clocks don’t look this nice.

It rings 20 minutes later. Well, it was supposed to ring 20 minutes later, but you’re pretty sure it’s only 5. (Imagine a clock that can’t keep time. What’s this world coming to?)

You crank your head up and stare at the clock. It stares back at you.

“Look here,” you try to reason with it, “I don’t really care if I’m late even though I know I have to be there. After all, sleep is more important than anything else…CAN’T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?!

The clock shrugs and moves forward a minute.

“Dadblameit, you slug!” you nearly scream. “I need some understanding!”

The insult must make it mad, ’cause it moves 2 whole minutes forward.


What else is there but to beg now?

Tears begin to flow.

Another minute.

“Fine then, you absurd box with red lights, I’m up!”

And thus begins a day.

It’s an early day.

And you’ve already been ticked off (see what I did there) by your clock.

Btdubs, this is a true story.

Moral: I haven’t thought one up yet.

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Depends on the day, see.

Punchy Argot:

1. Dadblameit.
2. Humdinger
3. Chickit
4. Chicky-woot-woot
5. Malediction
6. Rapscallion
7. Gardoobled
8. Congratulilolations
9. Togoggin
10. Gargonic
11. Two and Five Gurgles
12. Rats and a Heifer
13. Two nods, a wink, and an astroid
14. A bit, bits, and little bits
15. Huff-Hum and a Roar
16. So many thanks, I can't begin to thank you
17. Ri-do-diculous

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