Posts Tagged 'professor speaks'

Late Because Not My Fault

The professor is a patient person.

Usually.

Sometimes, I’m not, and that’s when I riot. #riotingisfun

160209115236-24-mong-kok-riot-0209-exlarge-169

A picture of me after rioting.

But, anyways and some, I pushed the elevator button, because I had to go up, after all.

Just up a floor, mind.

And I had to get there within three minutes. Not a problem.

Sadly, that’s when it all went south, like a buffalo running down a hill who loses control and starts to tumble.

jumpingbuffalo-yellowstonenationalp

You see, that’s when the hallway became packed with so many people, I feared–the sudden–for my oxygen supply.

Then there was a ding, and the elevator opened.

It was going down, not up.

“Dadblameit!” I cussed.

“That’s not going to help anything,” a girl next to me, who was also waiting, said.

“What’s not?”

“Cursing. It’s not how you should live your life.”

“But you’re as wrong as wrong can get, because I’m always right. It definitely helps. After all, Mark Twain and John Wayne said it does, and they can’t possibly be wrong.”

This is the first thing John Wayne said to me when I met him back in the day.

This is the first thing John Wayne said to me when I met him back in the day.

She raised an eyebrow.

The elevator came again.

And success!

It was going up.

But, rats and a heifer, there was no room.

That’s when the professor glanced at his watch.

Just thirty seconds now.

I ran to the stairs.

And wonders of wonders, can you believe when I arrived at the correct floor, the door to access that floor was handle-less?! No handle. No way to get it.

What made it even worse was the fact that I could see the place where I needed to be through the window.

The professor just couldn’t get there.

So…I rioted.

Riot mode.

Riot mode.

The professor busted down the door with inhuman strength, charged into the nearest room, grabbed the nearest employee, and dragged him back to the door.

“What is wrong with your building, hmm, dadblameit?! Elevator service is awfully awful and there’s no handles on your doors! What is this? A giggle-joke?!”

“I’ll fix it right away, sir!” the fellow said nervously as he shook brutally.

“You better,” I said, relaxing. “Now you’ve gone and made me late.”

“I’ll make it up to you!” He was on his knees know, begging. “Please don’t hurt me!”

The professor raised an eyebrow. “A free lunch? That’s what I require.”

“Yes!! You got it!”

Double-dadblameit. That sounded so good, too.

That’s how I did it in my mind, see.

In reality, I stood there, staring through the door for a good ten minutes, before I decided to try to find another way in.

The professor was late, and there was nothing a soul, or ghost, could do about it.

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In a Coffee Shop

professor speaksSo, yes, this professor went in one.

Just because, mind you.

I wanted a tea.

Some sort of green tea, in fact.

Coffee places should have such things, I reasoned. After all, what’s the difference between tea and coffee, I further reasoned. One is a leaf, the other is a bean.

Very close.

They practically look like twins.

They practically look like twins.

Anyways, walked through the front door, I did.

No, I’m not trying to be like Yoda.

4755912-3856316775-38217

Who actually, interestingly enough, now that you brought it up, blamed this Jedi Temple massacre on the dangerous blue lightsaber, instead of the Sith behind it.

Not to say Sith are bad.

plur2wc

Anyways and some more…where wuth I?

Oh yes, so I went in the store.

“Hello there,” I said.

I got in line, see.

And since I made it through the door before the stampede, I was first in line.

#Win

“What’ll you have?”

“Some sort of tea, I think.”

There was a pause times a half a pause.

“Yes…?” she prompted.

“What kind do you have?”

Rude gesture: Her thumb went up to the menu behind her.

“No good,” I said, “too confusing, see. What sorts of green tea do you have?”

“We’re a coffee place.”

“But aren’t coffee and tea related?”

She made a face. “Who told you that?”

“Some close relative, now that I think on it.”

“The point is that’s ridiculous.”

“That you don’t have green tea?”

She sighed. “I never said that. But since we’re a coffee house, we only have one type of green tea. Would you like it?”

“What sort of green tea is it?”

“It’s green tea.”

“Yes, but you said it was a type.”

A few exasperated sighs here. “Yes, that’s right, it’s a certain kind of green tea. There’s different kinds.”

“What kind do you have?”

That got her real cranky.

“Look, do you want it or not?”

“You know what, I think I’ll pass.”

And I left.

I just wasn’t feeling it.

Moral: Know what you want before you ask for it.

Aw. Gee. Thank you. Compliments are welcome, no matter who from!

Aw. Gee. Thank you. Compliments are always welcome, no matter what the sort!

Oranges are orange; Yellows are…

professor speaks

Okay.

So, there’s this problem, see.

And I can’t understand it for the life of me, double-see.

You must help me out, PF.

Here it is.

I present to you the color orange:

images

And, here’s an orange:

tumblr_lfpoa8GIdg1qc700b

Further, I present the color yellow:

images-1

Lemon-Whole-Split

And that, my fellows, right up there, is a yellow, right? No!

See, it’s a lemon not a yellow.

Where’s the sense in that, I ask?

Where?!

It leaves me bewildered and confused, in truth.

What will aliens think when they get to earth and learn of such things?

Dadblameit.

Defeating Bigfoot

professor speaks

So, the professor rolled into a Chinese Restaurant.

And you see, that’s how it’s really done. I roll into places, I think. I prefer it to walking, I think further. In fact, after a few more thinks, it just sounds cooler to say ‘rolled’ rather than ‘walk’, don’t you suppose?

Glad you agree, the sudden.

Where was I?

Oh yes, I rolled right in.

If you can figure out why this pic is in here, you get loads of credit. I can't, see.

If you can figure out why this pic is in here, you get loads of credit. I can’t, see.

“Can I?” the woman said behind the desk.

“Can you?” I repeated. Then I got it. “Oh, yes please. You can, you may, just do it, I say.”

I was seated at a table, and this was the thing: There was another fellow, seated across from me.

“Well, hello,” I said, taking a seat. “This is new for me. I’ve never been sat at a table with another chap before.”

Now this fellow was a bit greasy looking. He hadn’t shaved in some time, too. His beard was long, dirty, and making a general nuisance of itself.

At least, I thought so.

Something maybe like this.

Something maybe like this.

“This is a new experience,” I said again.

He just grunted. Then he did another thing that was scary: He dipped his beard in his soup and brought it up for a taste.

I decided to adopt a different approach.

“Do you normally have manners like this?” this professor asked. “Look here, this is uncalled for.”

And I slapped him across the face once then twice. Easy, too. Not too hard. I was just reproaching him, after all.

“Mind your manners.”

He grunted at me again and his eyes locked on mine.

I went back up to the desk.

“Look here,” I said, “do you suppose you may have another table that doesn’t feature bigfoot?”

bigfoot_skullc

“Maybe I?” she said.

This was sickening.

“No,” I answered. “You mayn’t, the sudden.”

“Then how?” she asked, laughing. Laughing!

“Simple,” I said. “Throw him out.”

“Oh, you may?”

That was all I needed.

I returned to the table.

Mr. Bigfoot was still dipping his beard about the place, like it owned everything.

Dadblameit.

“Look here,” I said, “there’s only this table left, I hear the sudden, so you must leave. You’ve been here far too long.”

Another fiendish grunt.

And then, of course, I tackled him to the floor, got him in a triangle, and sorta choked him out.

I was filthy after the encounter, but I now have bragging rights:

This professor has defeated Bigfoot.

Yo.

What is this, do you suppose?

professor speaks

So, yes, that’s the question. What is this, do you suppose?

IMG_0510

Now, there could be a few answers to that question.

But I’m talking about the long, stringy, green plant-like thingy in the forefront of the picture.

Dost thou know?

I’m not sure either.

Someone mentioned an onion.

I don’t believe it, of course.

After all, this is an onion:

This Is What Happens When You Put An Onion In Your Ear Overnight

Ew no! I meant this:

images

This is a great lesson why never to search for things on google. You might get anything.

Here we are:

images-1

Now I’ve completely lost my train of thought.

So, here, dadblame it all.

Naked Mole Rat

Naked Mole Rat


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Punchy Argot:

1. Dadblameit.
2. Humdinger
3. Chickit
4. Chicky-woot-woot
5. Malediction
6. Rapscallion
7. Gardoobled
8. Congratulilolations
9. Togoggin
10. Gargonic
11. Two and Five Gurgles
12. Rats and a Heifer
13. Two nods, a wink, and an astroid
14. A bit, bits, and little bits
15. Huff-Hum and a Roar
16. So many thanks, I can't begin to thank you
17. Ri-do-diculous

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