Posts Tagged 'Ruber'

Things go South

Sometimes, the best way to end things, is to initiate them.

~ V. Shnodgrate, Renowned PL Poet

UntitledSo, the professor was in the lodge, surrounded by all these evil people with guns.

And Count Mastoid was there.

“Take off his mask,” Count Mastoid repeated.

He was talking about me, of course. This professor had an epic spy mask on.

But no one was making a move.

So, the professor, being the genial fellow he is (usually), I took it off.

“Who are you?” the count asked.

“I’m Professor VJ Duke, of course,” I said. Straight up. Honest. My goals in life.

That puzzled him right up the middle for a second or two.

“Why do you want to kill me?”

Time to epic obfuscate. I looked about at all the men with guns surrounding me. “Doesn’t seem like I’m the one trying to kill anyone, you know.”

He didn’t buy it. “You know what I mean.”

Now it was time to tell a few little lies.

Here’s the thing, see, a little lie plus another little lie, doesn’t really equal a big, fat lie. Rather, they equal two little lies. Don’t ask me why. It’s just how lies function in mathematics. #thisiskindatruebtw

Anyways and some, this professor said:

“I didn’t want to kill you, of many courses. I was just…” And I trailed off.

How do you explain the fact that you were walking around like this–


–in a vacationing destination.

“He’s lying,” the girl said. The girl who had tackled me. (The pink is not sexist of me. I’m running out of colors.)

“No, he’s not,” I answered her.

“Yes, he IS,” she repeated, a bit more slowly this time.

“Hush!” Count Mastoid said.

“Look here,” I said, taking charge of the situation, “if this professor was trying to kill you, it’d be dadblamery. Analysts say that not everyone is as focused on you as you are. Do you know what I’m trying to tell you? You think everything revolves around you, when, actually, it revolves around the sun.”


It made sense to me.

“Dad, I don’t believe him!” the girl said. “He was trying to kill you! Why else is he dressed like that?”

Dad? What an interest, the sudden…

And, of course, just when the professor thought I might be able to talk my way out of things, Daddy Salami and Ruber show up, banging through the front door, guns ready.

“Well, well, welly,” Salami said, looking from Count Mastoid to me. “Looks like our boy”–indicated me here, I fear–“found ya.”


PL Symbol


Tales of the Professor—Insulted

Ever since Ruber Salami and Mortimer Butterfield formed an alliance (that’s how this professor thinks of it) Ruber’s Catering has blossomed.

In a sense.

What I mean to say is that it seems to be doing well.

It’s a large establishment.

I was there a week ago.

You may have heard that this professor made quite a scene at Ruber’s Catering, and that I refuse to publicly apologize.

Whatever you heard, I’m sure of one thing.

It’s a dadblamed lie!

I’ll tell you exactly what happened.

I was only trying to be sweet—which is a rare thing for me to be. The professor is usually very wicked.

Well, a week ago I went to get a snack at Ruber’s Catering. I ran into Daddy Salami once inside.

“Hey, P.VJ,” Salami said, “what brings you here, ta me son’s food-shack?”

“I’m here to eat, I think.”

“Good reason.” Salami laughed.

I withdrew quickly—any further conversation with Daddy Salami could have proved dangerous—and sat in the small cafeteria-like section of Ruber’s Catering.

And that’s when I was attacked. I thought about fleeing early, but she had me cornered.

The professor was trapped. And it’s a scary feeling.

Amelia sat down across from me.

Now, you must understand something, Punchy Family, I have met Amelia before, and ever since then, this professor has tried to avoid her. This was a sour circumstance indeed.

“Why, professor!” I think she squealed it out. But I’m unsure. “Isn’t it awesomely awesome that I just ran into the awesome professor?”

I winced. And made no reply.

She winked at me. “I know your secret, professor. The one you don’t tell anyone.” Amelia looked smug.

Amelia knew the professor before he became the professor–if that makes sense.

“Now, now,” I said. “No need to bring such things up. I—”

“Why do you keep it a secret, professor?” she asked.

“I have a stellar idea,” I said. “Let’s change the subject.”

Amelia huffed. “Fine.” Then she smiled. “Don’t you think I look stunning?”

No, I didn’t think so.

Not a bit.

Not even a little bits.

I searched for the right words.

The eyes! Yes. The professor has heard that a girl likes being complicated about her eyes. So that’s where I turned my attention. Now to find something nice to say about them.

Her eyes looked to be shielded in some kind of dark substance. And I had a hard time seeing past the hair that grew out henceforth from the eye.

I had to make a guess.

The professor summoned the courage.

“Say something, professor!” She nearly screamed it.

And I said something.

“You’ve got lovely red eyes.”

The world blew up. Or it seemed to.

Amelia left, screaming the whole way. And she reported the incident.

It was really the nicest thing I could think to say.

What do you think, PF? Should the professor apologize?

How do you tell Daddy Salami bad news?

“You tell him,” Schwarz said.

“Oh no,” Ruber laughed nervously. “You tell him. You did it. So you tell him what you’ve done, eh?”

“Hehe. I don’t wanna. ‘Cause he could get pretty mean–tell you what!”

Ruber didn’t answer; he stared past Schwarz towards the remains of Daddy Salami’s Hut.

He shook his head. “I still can’t believe you burnt the hut to the ground. I mean, how did you do that?”

“I told you. I wanted to make lunch for Salami, and the stove is so weird. Oh yeah!”

Ruber laughed, enjoying Schwarz’s predicament. “What an excuse! Dad is going to be really angry, and you’re going to catch it!”

Schwarz’s mouth hung open in disbelief. “Na. I think he’ll understand, and be very sweet about it, tell you what.”

Ruber let out a huff. “Then you don’t know me dad. You’re going to fetch it, just like the time I fetched it for not cutting the grass with the stupid tweezers he gave me!”

Then, a singing voice was heard:

“La, la, la, ladada.”

Ruber crossed his arms. “And here he comes.”

“Oh no!” Schwarz suddenly looked nervous. “Is he going to be mad?”

“Yep. You’re going to fetch it.”

As Daddy Salami drew nearer, Schwarz’s apprehension began to grow steadily, until he shouted, “No, no!”

Which did nothing.

Daddy Salami waltzed up the path and stopped–abruptly.

“Where’s me hut?” he asked.

“I think Schwarz has something to tell you,” Ruber said smugly.

Salami turned towards Schwarz, his mouth hanging open in anger. “Vhat?”

Schwarz thought for a moment–only a moment, mind you–then he said, “Your hut got burned to the ground, baby.”

Salami turned on Ruber. “Ya, cur! How did ya burn down me hut, huh? I’m goin’ rip your liver out!”

“Wait a minute,” Ruber said, raising his hands. “I’ve got nothin’ to do with it. Schwarz burnt it down, not me.”

Salami laughed. “We all know that Daddy Salami can’t beat strangers like he beats his son! Anyway, ya was here, ya is going to answer for it!”

“Your eyes are blazing green which is very strange,” Schwarz noticed.

“Shut-up, cur-sauce.”

“I can’t believe this!” Ruber exclaimed. “It’s not even me fault, and I’m getting blamed for it!”

Salami laughed. “Ya better run to give yourself a sportin’ chance.”

“Forget it.”

Salami sprung at Ruber, but Ruber was quicker. He took a fairly large stick, and struck Salami on the head.

Salami hit the ground unconscious.

“My recommendation,” Ruber said, “don’t be here when he awakens.”

And Ruber set off.

Schwarz, however, began to dig a grave. “Might as well burry him.”


PL Times, E14

The PL Times
The Official Punchy Lands’ Newspaper
Monday, December 9, 2013
Edition 14

Section A. Punchy Proverbs:

(1) The wind blows and you have no choice but to go with it–unless you go indoors.

(2) Whatever inspires wonderment is wonderful.

Proverbs by Merlin this week. (V. Shnodgrate called off sick.)


Section B. Something you should know about the professor:

He loves wooden, ornamental boxes.


Section C. What the PL’ers have to say:

A short conversation:

PROFESSOR: Why exactly is the PL Punchy?

KIRK: Because of us, my dear.

PROFESSOR: What did you do to cause such a thing?

KIRK, with a smug look: Exist.


Section D. Breaking News:

Napoleon invaded England once he found out about the poisonous fish.


Section F. From the professorish mind:

I wonder what spicy hot chocolate tastes like…


Until next time, this is the PL Times!

A Professorish Note

It’s a bit dadblame busy over this professorish way. Always seems to be at the end of the year. (Did you know that the professor’s picture is plastered all over the internet? In truth, this is true. But I digress.)

So, this week’s Friday video will be a bit different. Instead of a skit or movie, two PL characters will be holding a spontaneous dialogue. No script! (Feel free to make suggestions about what two characters you’d like to see.)

One more thing.

The professor had a bowl of oatmeal this past week, and it reaffirmed to him why oatmeal and this professor aren’t great friends. Of course, it could have been Nick’s doing. Thanks, Mr. Warren!




TPL Schedule

Sunday: OFF — Day of Shalt Nots

Monday: TPL Story

Tuesday: OFF — Because I'm Gone

Wednesday: Professor Speaks

Thursday: OFF — Because Yes

Friday: OFF — All Day Sleep Does

Saturday: OFF — Blue-Footed Boobies Need Fed

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Professorish Smiley:




Depends on the day, see.

Punchy Argot:

1. Dadblameit.
2. Humdinger
3. Chickit
4. Chicky-woot-woot
5. Malediction
6. Rapscallion
7. Gardoobled
8. Congratulilolations
9. Togoggin
10. Gargonic
11. Two and Five Gurgles
12. Rats and a Heifer
13. Two nods, a wink, and an astroid
14. A bit, bits, and little bits
15. Huff-Hum and a Roar
16. So many thanks, I can't begin to thank you
17. Ri-do-diculous


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