Posts Tagged 'Schwarz Tauptinker'

Schwarz Tauptinker, The Patriots, and Please Stand Clear of the Doors

“Please stand clear of the doors,” is an interesting thing of interest.

Of this, there’s not many doubts.

(Perhaps, someone might be able to raise a doubt here, there, or over there, but I doubt it.)

Now, here’s the thing: What do you suppose is meant by such a phrase?

Not being one to jump to conclusions (I fear conclusions like I fear fat sausages) I took up the matter with Schwarz Tauptinker.

“What does it mean, that phrase?”

“Obviously,” Schwarz answered, “I’ll tell you.”

There was a pause.

“Whenever you’re ready, of course.”

“Okay.”

Another pause.

“So,” I said, starting at the beginning again, “what is meant by the phrase, “Stand clear of the doors,” do you suppose?”

“Obviously they just cleaned the glass, tell you what,” he said.

That was shocking.

“Cleaned the glass? I’m not following.”

“Yeah, cause it’s clear, dude. Stand clear of the doors. The doors are clear. And dirty glass is not clear.”

“I suspected it was some sort of code like that.”

“Not a code,” he said, somewhat miffed. “That was easy to figure out. The secret meaning, or code, is this: Don’t let the doors hit you.”

***

Anyway, that is what is said by Mr. Speaker overtime one gets on or off the T.

midland_metro_tram

So, yes, that’s nice and colorful. And looks fast, too. Mine isn’t like that at all. It’s boring and white and slow. And bumpy. And full of beetles.

So, I just had to write about it.

Also, check this out:

edelman

Go Pats! I might be able to watch that over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.

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The Jeweled Katana–Found

The adventure never truly ends.

V. Shnodgrate, Renowned PL Poet

UntitledSo, this professor let them go.

Bud Parker and Schwarz Tauptinker went back in for the fake katana.

Of course, they didn’t know it was fake.

But I did.

See, this goes to show you that the professor knows mostly everything but never lets on that he does. #LifeLesson

Anyways and some, Sweet Sue guessed that the katana was fake. She knew. Deep down in.

What the kapoo.

Clara Higgins ran back to her tea shop.

This professor is not sure where Gertrude went, but rest assured, she went.

Now, as for this professor and hisself, I hopped on a plane.

Time for a vacation, see.

I was heading here:

Contrary to popular belief, I do swim with the fishes--sharks.

Contrary to popular belief, I do swim with the fishes–sharks.

See, it was a good adventure (the whole katana thingy) and now it was drawing to a close. What does one do after an adventure? Go on vacation, of course. #LifeLesson

The professor was a Just warrior. This was a truth. After all, I had stopped the thievery of the Diamond of Drake. Prince Beef still wanted it, yes, but it was doubtful that he’d get it. Especially since he didn’t have a lady wanting a ring, see.

Anyways, it wasn’t the professor’s problem anymore.

I was on vacation. Well, almost.

Prince Beef thought he had the Jeweled Katana, but he didn’t. Not that he would care much if he found out.

And this begged the question, like a beggar begging: Where was the real one?

I had misplaced it somewhere along the line.

No!

No!

Yes! Coolness overload.

Yes! Coolness overload.

Oh, what the kapoo. Who cared anyway?

The professor did. Deep down in. Rats and a Heifer!

Now, this is when the interest happened. As I was sitting there, waiting for the plane to take off, King Arthur came and sat down next to me.

“Oh, it’s you,” he said.

“Why, why.” I could think of nothing else.

“Going on vacation, too?”

“Well, yes,” I answered. “After a great adventure one needs to.”

There was silence for a time, times a bit of another time.

“So…” I said as the plane took off. “Where is the real Jeweled Katana?”

“Why would I know?” Arthur looked away.

“‘Cause this professor has been having thinks on it, and I’m thinking you know. That’s when I lost track of it, when I was with you, don’t you know.”

King Arthur sighed. “Why hide it any longer?”

He grabbed his book bag (he had one) and unzipped it.

Inside: the Jeweled Katana.

Well, a miniature one.

“So?”

“So,” Arthur said. “That’s it. I had it cropped so I could use it. Long swords are hard to use–“(Arthur is really short, remember)–“Then I planted the fake. It was a setup. That’s what you stole.”

“Dadblameit.”

Not very victorious, after all.

Arthur laughed. “Sucker.”

Fmtn-high-sucker-4

Me.

“I need a vacation, the sudden, even more. Even if I don’t deserve it, double-the-sudden.”

And that’s when the pilot came over the speakers:

“Hey, honeybuttses, hope you’s all havin’ a good day. I’s your pilot.”

Many greats. If we got to the vacation spot, it would be a fantastic miracle.

Who knew what we were in for with Manly-Man as our pilot?

THE END

PL Symbol

Decisions, Decisions

What makes something precious? The amount of people willing to die for it.

V. Shnodgrate, Renowned PL Poet

UntitledThe professor stopped right there and his jaw dropped a bit, bits, and little bits.

“You’re working for Mr. Magi?!” I asked.

After all, this professor wasn’t on good terms with Mr. Magi. He was of the school of thought that this professor was a thiever, because well, I took the Jeweled Katana to prevent further thieving.

Just goes to show you that they learn nothing in school, really.

Sweet Sue turned and looked at me, as if she was maddened she had to explain. She was always like that, see.

Direct.

And to the point.

I wear a shirt like this every other day.

I wear a shirt like this every other day.

Great spy characteristics is one of her strong suits, see.

“I said freelance, Noodle. No one owns me but myself. Don’t worry, I’m not going to turn you in. I was there when you and Mr. Magi threw down the gauntlet.”

“You were?” The professor may have been shocked. Not that I’ll admit it freely again, though, see.

Sweet Sue just looked at me. You know. That look.

“Well,” Clara Higgins huffed, looking at Sweet Sue. “I think you should turn him in! He’s the one that got me involved in this whole thing!”

“Did he really?” Schwarz Tauptinker said, shaking his from side to side and staring at me. “I don’t believe it…”

But he did.

“We better get a move on,” Sweet Sue said. “If you want to get out of Prince Beef’s palace alive.”

And that’s when the cat–who had attacked the guard–jumped back into the basket.

“Ahh, George,” Sweet Sue said. “Where would I be without you?” George looked at her with his eye lids at half-mast and purred loudly enough to scare a grizzly bear.

George and Sweet Sue are un-seperate-able. This is fact. The professor should get a cat.

This is another fact.

I’m full of facts today, I think.

Check it out! A list of cat fats. This just fits somehow...

Check it out! A list of cat facts. This just fits somehow…

Anyways and some, Sweet Sue and George led us through the caverns of the prison until we all popped out in a small forest near the palace.

forst
This professor could see the palace from the forest. Which was neatio. Keeping an eye on things, see. It’s always good to be able to see, double-see.

“Now,” Bud Parker said, folding his arms. “We’ve got to regroup and go back in.”

“What?!” Clara wasn’t happy–she was almost howling.

“We do,” Schwarz admitted. “We need the katana, oh yeah.”

“Schwarz, no,” Gertrude said. “Let’s just go.”

“No, baby sister,” Schwarz replied. “Must. Do. It. Do it NOW!”

“We’ve been trying for it for some time,” Parker said, casting me an ugly look. “PVJ got in the way, though.”

“Look here,” I said.

And everyone did.

I was surprised it worked. Must remember it works that way, see. #MentalNote

“This sort of thing is quite vexing. Let me be frank–“

“I thought you were PVJ,” Schwarz interrupted.

That was a thing.

“Well, then,” I continued, “just let me say this: Originally, this professor thieved the katana in order to stop Prince Beef from having Fats Henry thieve the Diamond of Drake. I thieved to stop thieving. Which sorta makes thieving okay.”

“No, it doesn’t,” Clara mumbled. “It was stupid.”

“Since then,” I continued undaunted by the mumbling, “things have happened. The marriage has been called off.”

Gertrude started to cry here. “There…there…there was going to be a party tonight to celebrate our marriage! But…but…but…then she came along!”

Clara looked away.

“But,” I said, continuing on my professorishly topic, “Prince Beef still wants the Diamond of Drake. Which means, we’re right back where we started at.”

“Bud,” Parker said, “Schwarz and I are moving in. Tonight. We want the sword.”

“Oh yeah, yeah, yeah,” Schwarz agreed. “The Prince is still going to have the party, I’m sure. You don’t have all that stuff prepared just to waste it, tell you what.”

The professor’s mind went like this:

The katana the prince had was fake; but they didn’t know that; they would make a great distraction if this professor needed to go back in tonight; did the professor need to go back in tonight?

I looked at Sweet Sue. Sue looked back at me. We both nodded. And then it became clear.

PL Symbol

Sweet Sue Busts Us Out

Big ups and thanks to Susan Price for brainstorming with me on this one. In TPL, she’s Sweet Sue. Yo.

If you feel vicious, take it out on the weeds.

V. Shnodgrate, Renowned PL Poet

UntitledSo, there we were.

Sitting in a dark, dank prison. And it was full of lice, ticks, spiders, worms, and the scurvy.

Anyways, it was quite a meeting. Sort of.

We were all sitting in a circle: Schwarz Tauptinker, Bud Parker, Clara Higgins, Gertrude Tauptinker, and of course, this naughty, naughty professor.

None of these dispirited ones were talking either.

“So,” this professor said, breaking the silence. “We’re all going to die, that’s an interest.”

“Shut-up!” Clara snapped.

Schwarz piped up to announce: “I’m not going to die, tell you what, chickit. I’m busting out! Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.”

“Yeah sure, bud,” Parker said. “Like that’s going to happen. We’re like heavily guarded.”

Gertrude started to cry.

“Stop it, man!” Schwarz yelled at Parker. “Look what you’re doing to my sister, dude! Just stop, man.”

Silence again.

It was also very dark in the cell.

YUTE_G_09

The door was shut, tho.

Presently, a quiet sound that grew louder filled the room.

“And this,” said a narrating voice, “is where we keep the worst of the criminals.”

It was a group of people. A tour.

See, every so oftens, tours come through Prince Beef’s palace.

What a thing.

I felt like a bear in a zoo.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

The professor.

The group stopped in front of our cell.

“Look at them,” the tour guide said. “The worst of the worst.”

I must admit, Clara did look pretty bad, but I thought I was rather spiffy looking, still.

Of course, this professor scanned the group…and that’s when I spotted someone who I didn’t expect to see.

Sweet Sue. There she was, mingling in the crowd.

But she had many other different names, really. See, Sweet Sue is an epic spy, always going about the land doing secret missions of the upmost importance.

There was no way, of course, that she was just here for a tour. Besides, this professor and Sweet Sue are great friends. I looked at her.

She looked at me and I saw she had a basket with something orange and white moving in it.

Then I knew that she knew: She was going to bust us out.

The group left and this professor stood.

“Well, well, welly,” I said. “Dadblame all the ticks in here, we’re getting out.”

“I knew it would happen if I was patient,” Schwarz answered, standing.

Parker shook his head. “Don’t get your hopes up, bud.”

“Just shut-up, all of you,” Clara said. “We’re not getting out, we’re going to die.”

“You shouldn’t have attacked Prince Beef.”

“Please.”

“Please what?”

“Please stop.”

“If you insist,” I said.

“I do.”

“K.”

Footsteps again. And light.

It was Sweet Sue with her moving basket.

“I’ll get you all out of here,” she said. “But just because the professor and I are friends.”

There were some exclamations of surprise amongst the group.

“You’re friends with PVJ?” Parker asked.

“Yes,” she answered. “We’ve done missions together before.”

“Secret, secret missions,” I said. “I’m an inhuman spy.”

“Knew that,” Clara mumbled.

“They were wonderfully great missions,” she said.

Then Sweet Sue had the door open very fastly fast. How she did it, I’ll never know. But she’s like that: Quick as a sleeping chap winking. Which is very fast, since sleeping chaps never wink.

In an instant and some, we were all out and following her down the hallway.

“Do you know the way out of here?” I asked.

“Absolutely,” she said.

And that’s when we ran into a guard. At the same moment, something white and orange jumped out of the wobbly basket and distracted the guard with his claws before the guard could say cat.

“Hey!”

But that’s all he got out.

In another twinkle (sleeping wink), Sue had him on the ground and out of the game.

“Why are you here?” I whispered as we left the palace.

“I’m working freelance for Mr. Magi…”

Oh dear.

PL Symbol

Joining the Fray

Even when things are hopeless, remember, hope never dies.

V. Shnodgrate, Renowned PL Poet

Untitled

So, the professor joined the fight like a mongoose going after a cobra.

mongoose

After all, a good fight is a good fight.

I couldn’t let Schwarz Tauptinker fight alone. He was fighting to protect the honor of his sister, Gertrude. That’s a good cause, I’d say.

Plus, Prince Beef had just sorta ordered this professor away to jail as well. So, I had to fight because of that.

Capital. Yo.

I joined the fray, and Bud Parker soon followed.

We began to clear the guards out like spinach is cleared off my dinner plate.

One fellow tried to hit me a good one with his steel baton, but I sorta dodged then showed his chin my elbow.

Crack!

He hit the ground.

“Watch out, bud!” Parker warned.

I spun.

But it was sorta too late.

This professor got a good clobbering right on the back of the head. I hit the ground.

Schwarz was still fighting like a mad man, dodging here, attacking there, messing around mostly everywhere.

Now, what shocked me most was this: Clara Higgins had joined the fight. She was, in fact, attacking Prince Beef.

“You hag!” the prince was screaming as he dodged for cover. “Leave me or I’ll have you executed!”

But Clara wasn’t listening.

Gertrude was sorta rooting Schwarz on.

What a battle this was, yo.

Anyways, I’d hit the ground, very close to where the jeweled katana was laying. The fake one, that is.

I picked it up and was on my feet in less that a second or two.

My attacker was surprised.

But I sorta rammed the katana through him.

That fetch him out.

We were epic like this, only the other fellow didn't have a sword.

We were epic like this, only the other fellow didn’t have a sword. And I didn’t die at the end.

Then things started to change.

First off, Fats Henry charged into the fray with more palace guards.

Only these guards were armed to the teeth.

With these sorts of things:

Unknown

This professor, Schwarz, Parker, Clara, and Gertrude…yup, we were all under custody in a matter of a few ticks in time.

What a sad thingy.

Prince Beef stood before us, disheveled, and very, very cranky.

“Well!” he sputtered. “You’re all going to die for this outrage. Trying to steal the katana again? Attacking me? When will you learn my word is law?!”

“They’re idiots,” Henry boomed. “Kill them all, now! And I see you have my sword.”

“Oh yes,” Prince Beef said, smoothing his velvet coat. “Take it and bring me the Diamond of Drake. But I don’t know now. I’m going to have to execute all my girlfriends. So I have no need of an engagement ring to be made from the diamond. Still, bring me the Diamond of Drake. I want it, peasant. Now, take them away.”

“I just want to say one thing,” I said.

All eyes turned on me.

“Your velvet coat and current hairstyle, Mr. Prince, is rather hideous. Dadblameit.”

We were roughly escorted to the prison to await our doom.

PL Symbol


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