Posts Tagged 'The professor'

Music the Professor Listens To [Ft. Prof & Umbrellas]

professor speaksOkay.

So, I thought I’d tell a bit about what I listen to–when I drive about or am cleaning the house.

(Yes, this professor needs music mostly all the time. Without music, I’m not in the right mood. And, yes, I do clean the house. To stop the beetle invasion, see.)

Now, now.

It might be surprising, but…

…I listen almost exclusively to movie soundtracks!

Of course, I do listen to rock, classical and all that jazz. But still. If I want to do some listening, it’s movie soundtracks.

Right. Yo.

So, my favorite three right now (it changes from time to time, see) are:

(#3) Jurassic World


Click to listen!

Michael Giacchino did a SUPER awesome job complimenting John Williams‘ original themes. Seriously, if you haven’t listened to this soundtrack, you’re missing out, and I’m sure a dino will eat you any minute now.

(#2) The Last Samurai


Click to listen!

I’ve actually been listening to this one a lot on the computer. This is what the professor is usually working to. Now you know. Epically masterful job by Mr. Hans Zimmer. I think I’m a samurai, the sudden.

(#1) John Carter


Click to listen!

So, I think Giacchino is my favorite movie composer right night. This music is the absolute tops!! Plus, it’s my favorite movie. You know, I think I am John Carter. Forget what I said about being a samurai.


Also, I was given an umbrellas this week…


Why Conor McGregor is like Tom Brady

professor speaks


So, this professor just thought he should say a few words about it.

Not that it matters much one way or another.

But this fellow:


Conor McGregor

Has something very interesting in common with this fellow:


Tom Brady (with blurry background)

You see, both fellows bucked authority and fought the bad guys. McGregor, the UFC (Ultimate Fighting Championship) and Dana White; Brady, the NFL (National Football League) and Roger Goodell.

And this is the funny part, see.

While that looks grand and all that, here’s the thing: It’s all a setup.

In truth, that’s true

The NFL created deflategate for publicity; McGregor said he was going to retire for publicity. See, and many sees, it had nothing to do with the fact that footballs were deflated a few PSI, and it had nothing to do with not wanting to do any more press conferences.

Which means, McGregor and Brady did not buck authority.

That’s right.

They followed authority.

Like mooses in the field.

Following authority

Following authority

So, they’re alike because they follow authority not rebel against it.

What a thing.

I did not see that conclusion coming myself.

Moral: If you’re going to buck authority, don’t do it because you’re following authority. That’s just messed up. And the professor is wise to you, too.

Okay, that’s the professor’s conspiracy theory for today.

PVJ out.

So Cold…I Lied

professor speaks

The professor put on a t-shirt, then a dress shirt, then a sweater vest, then a velvet jacket.

I did this ’cause it was sorta cold out, you know.

And like Scrooge says, garments were invented to protect against cold.


Though I sorta doubt this, the sudden. See, the garments didn’t do too much to protect against the cold, I felt. Then again, I’m sure it was better than nothing.

See? Every story has two sides. I persuade myself freely from side to side, depending on my mood at the hour, minute, or even second.

Anyways and a sum of half the total, this professor was on the march through a college campus.

It was lightly snowing and quite gray outside, see.

I hear that muscles shiver to protect against the cold. You know, they sorta shiver to build up heat. This is wrong of them. If they didn’t shiver, I wouldn’t be cold. See, shivering causes my coldness.

This is a fact.

Then I ran into a group of students, I think.

“Where are you going?” one asked.

Sorta brazen, I thought.

“Too far in this weather,” I answered.


“Yeah, where?” another joined in.

I find that when you’re getting asked lots and lots of questions, the best thing to do is talk lots and lots. This stops your attacker from asking more questions.

But don’t you know, at that exact moment, my mouth was too cold to move much.

Dadblame the weather.

“What’s in the bag?” one of the girls asked.

And I was carrying a bag.

Okay, it didn't look like this, obviously. But this is what came up first for secret bag...let me have another locketh...

Okay, it didn’t look like this, obviously. But this is what came up first for secret bag…let me have another locketh…

This isn't right either. I assure you.

This isn’t right either. I assure you.

Aha! This is something like what I was carrying.

Aha! This is something like what I was carrying.

So, what was in the bag?

“Enough dynamite to blow up your college, I fear.”

That fetched them.

They were off in a jiffy–which I hear is a tenth of a second.

And this professor was alone again.

Few seconds later, a police car sorta pulled up.

Lesson: Don’t make up dangerous lies.

Moral: If you lie, make sure everyone knows it’s a lie.

Rats and a Heifer.

I’ve decided I lied because I was so cold.



Racing About

They say if you run, make sure to finish the race; but I say, if you run, make sure your legs don’t give out.

V. Shnodgrate, Renowned PL Poet

Untitled“Give us the katana now, bud,” Bud Parker said, stepping forward.

“You better do!” Schwarz Tauptinker said.

So, this professor did.

“Here you go, I say.” And I handed the katana to Schwarz.

See, I handed it to him just because I wanted to make trouble.

Here’s the thing: The professor loves making trouble.

Just like this fellow:


Now, you may ask why the giving of the katana to Schwarz would cause trouble. And this is it: Bud Parker wants it.

This will make him unhappy–that I handed it to Schwarz.

Schwarz took the katana and held it close, like a precious baby.


“Just like that?” Parker asked, looking from me to the fake katana Schwarz now held.

“Just like that,” I said, sudden-like. “This professor is sick, tired, and sick of carrying it here, there, and everywhere. I’ve been attacked and maybe even killed for it. So, take the dadblame thing, I say.”

And I turned on my heel and strode away, deeper into the palace, like I knew where I was going–but I didn’t.

Then it hit me, of course.

Things always hit me later than they should. Many dadblameits about that.

This is like a late hit, see.

This is like a late hit, see.

See, Prince Beef would never forgive me if I didn’t return the katana to him.

Rats and a Heifer! I had to go back and get it.

I turned on my heel again and strode back to where Parker and Schwarz were.

They were fighting over the katana.

“It’s mine!” Schwarz yelled, raking Parker across the face with his hand.

Parker yelled out, and ducked, clutching his face. “Bud! Why’d you do that?”

“Mine, mine, mine!” Schwarz chanted as he made off with the katana.

Parker and I were on the chase within a tick or two.

And there we were, racing down the halls of Prince Beef’s palace.

It was a mad race, too.



Corner cut there.

Super loop going on over here.

It was dastardly.

It must’ve looked fun because eventually we were joined by palace guards.

“Bud,” Parker breathed hard to me (we were running side by side), “do you think they’re after us?”

I looked behind for a split thingy.

About 40 guards all yelling for us to “desist and stop.”

“Nah, definitely after Schwarz.”

Parker nodded.

And we kept running.

But then Schwarz entered a room without another exit.

It was the throne room.

Filled with more palace guards, Clara Higgins, Schwarz’s sister, Gertrude, and the prince himself…

PL Symbol

Decision Time

Stealing is an art. Before you steal, make sure it’s profitable. 

V. Shnodgrate, Renowned PL Poet

UntitledClara Higgins stared at me.

And this professor stared right back.

We were both shocked a bit.

And when you’re shocked a bit, you stare.

That’s some sort of unofficial rule, I think.

Rule: When shocked, you stare.

Anyways and a few, a gem dropped from the fake katana in my hands and hit the floor with a clunk.


Clara opened her mouth, then shut it, then opened it again, and that’s when the floodgates sorta erupted:

“You’re back you can help me glad you got the sword with that we can make sure that idiot prince lets me go I’ve been a prisoner here since you escaped and I don’t have a clue what I should do I’ve tried to escape but I can never get far enough are you going to give the sword back to Prince Beef I hope where have you been?”

That stumped me for a good long while. But this professor is a vicious bear and I recovered rather quickly.

No, this is not me.

No, this is not me.

Aha! Here I am. Just out for a stroll and roaring about the place.

Aha! Here I am. Just out for a stroll and roaring about the place.

“Now look here,” I began, “last time I saw you, you pretended to cry, sob, and otherwise leak a bit from the eyes, convincing Prince Beef that I was bad and you were good. Since then, this professor has been captured, shot, chased, attacked–never defeated, mind–and otherwise running about. Not very sure how I ended up back in this dadblame place, but if I have one thing to tell you it’s pretty much nothing.”

And that was that.

Clara’s eyes squinted and her hands found her hips as she looked away.

“Fine,” she snapped. “If you don’t want to help, fine. Just go.” 

And she marched away.

Now, the professor was close to the kitchens. I could tell ’cause it was noisy and smelly. (That means you’re close to the kitchens, see.)

And it was now time for decisions.

This professor walked a bit, found a little chair, and had a seat.

Things were complicated and the best thing to do when things are complicated is to sit and have thinks. Many thinks, in fact.

This was sorta the place.

This was sorta the place.

Now, here was the roll:

Prince Beef was marrying Schwarz Tauptinker’s sister, Gertrude. He wanted to fashion the engagement ring from the Diamond of Drake. But he didn’t have the Diamond of Drake. So, he hired Fats Henry to thieve it for him. For his service, Henry would be gifted the Jeweled Katana.

But that’s when this professor messed things up. I stole it. Just to stop more thieving, of course. It was just–I think. Bud Parker and Schwarz Tauptinker were also going for the katana. Other people were, too. It was a mess.

Now, this professor was holding the fake katana. What should be done?

It should be returned to Prince Beef. After all, it wasn’t real; he would think it was. We would be at peace after I gave it over, and I could wash my hands of the whole affair.

Here’s the moral of the tale, as this professor sees it so far: Never thieve something to be just and righteous. It’s not worth it. In the end, you’ll end up being unjust and unrighteous.

I nodded and stood.

“Time to return this,” I said aloud. (Just for story purposes, of course.)

“I don’t think so, bud.”

“Yeah, chickit. No, no.”

It was Bud Parker and Schwarz Tauptinker.

PL Symbol

TPL Schedule

Sunday: OFF — Day of Shalt Nots

Monday: TPL Story

Tuesday: OFF — Because I'm Gone

Wednesday: Professor Speaks

Thursday: OFF — Because Yes

Friday: OFF — All Day Sleep Does

Saturday: OFF — Blue-Footed Boobies Need Fed

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Professorish Smiley:




Depends on the day, see.

Punchy Argot:

1. Dadblameit.
2. Humdinger
3. Chickit
4. Chicky-woot-woot
5. Malediction
6. Rapscallion
7. Gardoobled
8. Congratulilolations
9. Togoggin
10. Gargonic
11. Two and Five Gurgles
12. Rats and a Heifer
13. Two nods, a wink, and an astroid
14. A bit, bits, and little bits
15. Huff-Hum and a Roar
16. So many thanks, I can't begin to thank you
17. Ri-do-diculous


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