Posts Tagged 'TPL Story'

Things go South

Sometimes, the best way to end things, is to initiate them.

~ V. Shnodgrate, Renowned PL Poet

UntitledSo, the professor was in the lodge, surrounded by all these evil people with guns.

And Count Mastoid was there.

“Take off his mask,” Count Mastoid repeated.

He was talking about me, of course. This professor had an epic spy mask on.

But no one was making a move.

So, the professor, being the genial fellow he is (usually), I took it off.

“Who are you?” the count asked.

“I’m Professor VJ Duke, of course,” I said. Straight up. Honest. My goals in life.

That puzzled him right up the middle for a second or two.

“Why do you want to kill me?”

Time to epic obfuscate. I looked about at all the men with guns surrounding me. “Doesn’t seem like I’m the one trying to kill anyone, you know.”

He didn’t buy it. “You know what I mean.”

Now it was time to tell a few little lies.

Here’s the thing, see, a little lie plus another little lie, doesn’t really equal a big, fat lie. Rather, they equal two little lies. Don’t ask me why. It’s just how lies function in mathematics. #thisiskindatruebtw

Anyways and some, this professor said:

“I didn’t want to kill you, of many courses. I was just…” And I trailed off.

How do you explain the fact that you were walking around like this–

ffd918d6982efe5d55ed9aabbfe5187c

–in a vacationing destination.

“He’s lying,” the girl said. The girl who had tackled me. (The pink is not sexist of me. I’m running out of colors.)

“No, he’s not,” I answered her.

“Yes, he IS,” she repeated, a bit more slowly this time.

“Hush!” Count Mastoid said.

“Look here,” I said, taking charge of the situation, “if this professor was trying to kill you, it’d be dadblamery. Analysts say that not everyone is as focused on you as you are. Do you know what I’m trying to tell you? You think everything revolves around you, when, actually, it revolves around the sun.”

unknown

It made sense to me.

“Dad, I don’t believe him!” the girl said. “He was trying to kill you! Why else is he dressed like that?”

Dad? What an interest, the sudden…

And, of course, just when the professor thought I might be able to talk my way out of things, Daddy Salami and Ruber show up, banging through the front door, guns ready.

“Well, well, welly,” Salami said, looking from Count Mastoid to me. “Looks like our boy”–indicated me here, I fear–“found ya.”

Dadblameit.

PL Symbol

Holiday Cut Short

The beating of your heart reminds you you only have so long to beat.

~ V. Shnodgrate, Renowned PL Poet

UntitledI woke up somewhat tired and somewhat sleepy.

Isn’t that an annoying thing?

It always annoys this professor.

I mean, why can’t I wake up somewhat not-tired and somewhat not-sleepy?

The land is against us, I fear.

Anyways and some, it was a cold day where the professor currently was messing about in the Punchy Lands.

Very much so like this.

This is where I was. Sorta looked like this. Look–a bird! I think it’s a Cardinal. Must be Catholic. #badjoke

I was at a ski resort, see. In truth, this is true: the lodge looked like a bunch of tinker toys.

The professor was spending the holiday at the resort, and it was a definite interest.

You see, that’s because the professor can’t ski.

Well, I’ve never skied before, I suppose.

I just like to go to ski resorts just to hang out and think about skiing. One of my fav pastimes, you know. #mostlytrue

Anyways, the professor had just woken up. I wrapped myself in a red Pats hoodie…

Like this.

Like this.

…and left my room to explore.

The lodge was pretty busy downstairs, and it wasn’t long until this professor ran into Daddy Salami and his son, Ruber. (I’ve known Salami and Ruber for a bit now. Always up to no good. I think they live in England. And I think Salami used to be a knight.)

They were sitting at a table, finishing breakfast.

Of course, this professor being the adventurer he is, joined them quicker than a tadpole popping out of a…

…well, you know what I mean.

“Gentlemen,” I said.

Salami’s green eyes flashed. “We ain’t, gentlemen, ya turtle. Now sit down. I have sumtin’ important ta tell ya.”

Was he expecting me? Nah…

Ruber chuckled as ripped two pieces of bacon up and plopped the pieces into his coffee. And, yes, he did drink the whole thing. In one gulp. #impressive

“What is it, not-gentlemen?”

“Shut-up!” Salami snapped. “And be quiet. It’s a secret.”

Then he leaned close: “We were one man down on our mission, but then ya showed up, and yure gonna help us.”

“Or we’ll pluck yo eyes out,” Ruber added, in his English accent.

“Come on,” Salami said.

They both stood.

“What are we…?” I ventured.

“Knocking somebody off,” Ruber said. “Get your skis.”

“Count Mastroid has ta die,” Salami added.

“He’ll be on the slopes soon,” Ruber said. “We’ll get him then.”

Salami laughed, obviously excited. “See ya in front of da lodge in twenty minutes, cur-face, or I’ll cut yure face out and use it as a wall decoration.”

A mission on the slopes sounded fun. But knocking someone off? Warriors don’t do that sort of thing.

Plus, the professor can’t ski…

PL Symbol

Not Dead, Disappointed

If you’re larger than life, there may be a physical problem.

~ V. Shnodgrate, Renowned PL Poet

UntitledHave you ever been shot?

This professor hasn’t either–until he was.

See, that’s usually how these things work.

The first time is the first time.

For just about everything, usually.

Wait and hold on for a few.

The sudden, I can’t think of something that’s not the first time when it is the first time.

So, first time is the first time–for everything.

Now that we’ve got that cleared up, where was I?

Oh yes, that horrid guard shot me.

Unknown

And everything went black after that.

Of course, this professor felt a stab of pain–at the side, I think–but I didn’t have time to think about it.

Dadblameit, I didn’t even remember hitting the ground!

But I do remember waking up. And it’s not near as bad as everyone always makes it seem, see.

No dizziness and all that.

My side was hurting, though. Hurting like a cougar who’d stubbed its toe on a brick.

It must've really hurt.

It must’ve really hurt.

Now, you won’t believe this, but this professor was actually in a cage.

A circular cage.

A small cage.

And it was hanging from a castle.

I was in the air, see.

The castle was actually Fats Henry’s castle.

The professor can tell these things.

That meant the professor was on Fat Man Island. That’s where Henry lives, see. On an island that floats above the Punchy Lands.

Now, the interest was this: How did I get here?

After all, Prince Beef’s guards are the ones that shot me, the brutes.

How did Henry get me? Maybe Prince Beef sold me into slavery.

Oh rats.

And that’s when Daddy Salami appeared, around the corner of the castle, a wicked smile on his face.

“Hey, ya belly-cur,” he said, laughing.

Salami’s insults are always special, you must understand.

“Yer lucky,” he said, coming to a stop directly underneath this professor’s cage. “The bullet passed through yer side. Didn’t hit anything important. The prince was disappointed, hehaha.”

“Well, you know,” I said, “can’t say I’m too disappointed about it, you know.”

Salami’s green eyes flashed. “Shut-up, cur-mouth! I wasn’t talking to yer.”

As soon as he said the last part, it struck him as odd as it struck me. After all, who was he having speaks with, then?

“Shut-up!” he added, just in case I got any ideas. “Fats Henry wants ta see ya. Let’s go.”

“I’m sorta stuck in the air.”

“I’ll get ya down, cur-face!”

And that was that.

PL Symbol

 

 

“He’s Showing Resistance!”

It’s said that singing and laughing lighten the soul; it’s a lie. I’ve heard singing and laughing that would damn the soul.

~ V. Shnodgrate, Renowned PL Poet

UntitledNow, escaping from a palace is a hard thing to accomplish.

I tell you this plainly so that if you ever find yourself in such a position, you’re not fooled like I was.

It’s not a straight shot down the stairs to a door.

No, it’s more complicated.

This professor will spare you the boring details.

But here’s the thing: I hid in Prince Beef’s palace, running here, running there, for a full five hours before I found an exit.

And it was a window.

What made things goodly, was the fact that the prince had sent his guards out of the palace to search for me.

That’s why it makes complete sense as soon as I exited through that window (crashing to the ground) I was captured again.

“Hands in the air!” shouted one guard.

Another guard: “The prince said we could shoot him on sight.”

The other guard, rolling his eyes: “That’s if he resisted. Does he look to be resisting to you?”

That first guard studied me.

Now, here’s the thing: There were two guards. Two guards only.

So, the professor did a diversion technique.

I am skilled in those things, mind you.

“Look oh my!”

And I pointed behind them.

It didn’t work.

“He’s showing resistance!” the first guard screamed, leveling his rifle at me.

The second guard did, in fact, turn.

Rats.

A shot rang out and I hit the ground.

Everything descended into darkness, then.

Last thing the professor heard: “Hehaha.”

Daddy Salami.

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The Prince Beef & I Fight

So, I was still at that ball.

And I had just insulted Prince Beef.

See, I told him congratulilolations (about his wedding) and he got very cranky very fastly fast.

Apparently, I wasn’t supposed to know there was a wedding.

Schwarz Tauptinker told me out of turn. Of course he’d know, too, since it was his sister, Greta, getting married.

Now, I had to say something to get out of this horrible situation.

Huff-Hum and a roar.

Prince Beef placed his hands on his hips and strode about me, in a circular pattern, don’t you know.

“So, my man,” he said–in his usual lofty manner–“what chicken betrayed my wedding? Tell me the truth, as is not your wont, beetle-hole.”

Beetle-hole?! That stopped me cold, I must admit. And this is a general rule. Whenever someone does a pretty swear word, the sudden and out of the blue, I must needs think on it for a bit. Admire it’s beauty. Then save it in the archives for use.

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After seeing this beetle-hole, I wasn’t too impressed, I fear.

out_of_the_blue_by_joejesus

“Out of the blue…I come sailing…through the years…through the years…” Big points if you recognize those lyrics!!

“What?!” Prince Beef rather yelled in my ear. “No answer?”

“Hold on for a bit, would you?!” I exclaimed. “I’ve got to think about that insult you delivered so beautifully.”

Prince Beef stopped his circling in front of me. And raised one eyebrow. “Answer my question, peasant, or I shall cut off your ears, then your toes, then your eyebrows.”

“You can’t cut off eyebrows, cur-sauce!”

And that’s when Daddy Salami joined our conversation. He skipped up, with some sort of bubbling drink in his hand.

Prince Beef turned on him suddenly. “What did you call me, you scant?”

“Hehaha,” Salami laughed. And he wrapped his arm around me. “What got under yer skin, cur-belly?”

The prince’s mouth dropped even lower than thought possible.

“Why you red…!”

“Shut-up!” Salami roared.

And that’s when Greta rushed in. “Stop!” she begged, looking from the prince to Salami. “None of this! I won’t have it!”

There were tears in her eyes.

Oh dear.

The prince’s face melted immediately. “Oh…Greta!”

And then something horrible happened.

Prince Beef embraced Greta and Daddy Salami got an idea: He already had his arm around me, and he rushed forward (with me, I fear) and together we embraced the prince and Greta.

It was a group hug.

And it was awful.

The prince was just about to explode, too.

But at that minute, there was a flash, and Julia Thompson huffed past with a camera in her hand.

“This,” she said to me quietly,”is going in the paper.”

Not that I minded a mint.


TPL Schedule

Sunday: OFF — Day of Shalt Nots

Monday: TPL Story

Tuesday: OFF — Because I'm Gone

Wednesday: Professor Speaks

Thursday: OFF — Because Yes

Friday: OFF — All Day Sleep Does

Saturday: OFF — Blue-Footed Boobies Need Fed

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Depends on the day, see.

Punchy Argot:

1. Dadblameit.
2. Humdinger
3. Chickit
4. Chicky-woot-woot
5. Malediction
6. Rapscallion
7. Gardoobled
8. Congratulilolations
9. Togoggin
10. Gargonic
11. Two and Five Gurgles
12. Rats and a Heifer
13. Two nods, a wink, and an astroid
14. A bit, bits, and little bits
15. Huff-Hum and a Roar
16. So many thanks, I can't begin to thank you
17. Ri-do-diculous


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