Posts Tagged 'V Shnodgrate'

Decisions, Decisions

What makes something precious? The amount of people willing to die for it.

V. Shnodgrate, Renowned PL Poet

UntitledThe professor stopped right there and his jaw dropped a bit, bits, and little bits.

“You’re working for Mr. Magi?!” I asked.

After all, this professor wasn’t on good terms with Mr. Magi. He was of the school of thought that this professor was a thiever, because well, I took the Jeweled Katana to prevent further thieving.

Just goes to show you that they learn nothing in school, really.

Sweet Sue turned and looked at me, as if she was maddened she had to explain. She was always like that, see.


And to the point.

I wear a shirt like this every other day.

I wear a shirt like this every other day.

Great spy characteristics is one of her strong suits, see.

“I said freelance, Noodle. No one owns me but myself. Don’t worry, I’m not going to turn you in. I was there when you and Mr. Magi threw down the gauntlet.”

“You were?” The professor may have been shocked. Not that I’ll admit it freely again, though, see.

Sweet Sue just looked at me. You know. That look.

“Well,” Clara Higgins huffed, looking at Sweet Sue. “I think you should turn him in! He’s the one that got me involved in this whole thing!”

“Did he really?” Schwarz Tauptinker said, shaking his from side to side and staring at me. “I don’t believe it…”

But he did.

“We better get a move on,” Sweet Sue said. “If you want to get out of Prince Beef’s palace alive.”

And that’s when the cat–who had attacked the guard–jumped back into the basket.

“Ahh, George,” Sweet Sue said. “Where would I be without you?” George looked at her with his eye lids at half-mast and purred loudly enough to scare a grizzly bear.

George and Sweet Sue are un-seperate-able. This is fact. The professor should get a cat.

This is another fact.

I’m full of facts today, I think.

Check it out! A list of cat fats. This just fits somehow...

Check it out! A list of cat facts. This just fits somehow…

Anyways and some, Sweet Sue and George led us through the caverns of the prison until we all popped out in a small forest near the palace.

This professor could see the palace from the forest. Which was neatio. Keeping an eye on things, see. It’s always good to be able to see, double-see.

“Now,” Bud Parker said, folding his arms. “We’ve got to regroup and go back in.”

“What?!” Clara wasn’t happy–she was almost howling.

“We do,” Schwarz admitted. “We need the katana, oh yeah.”

“Schwarz, no,” Gertrude said. “Let’s just go.”

“No, baby sister,” Schwarz replied. “Must. Do. It. Do it NOW!”

“We’ve been trying for it for some time,” Parker said, casting me an ugly look. “PVJ got in the way, though.”

“Look here,” I said.

And everyone did.

I was surprised it worked. Must remember it works that way, see. #MentalNote

“This sort of thing is quite vexing. Let me be frank–“

“I thought you were PVJ,” Schwarz interrupted.

That was a thing.

“Well, then,” I continued, “just let me say this: Originally, this professor thieved the katana in order to stop Prince Beef from having Fats Henry thieve the Diamond of Drake. I thieved to stop thieving. Which sorta makes thieving okay.”

“No, it doesn’t,” Clara mumbled. “It was stupid.”

“Since then,” I continued undaunted by the mumbling, “things have happened. The marriage has been called off.”

Gertrude started to cry here. “There…there…there was going to be a party tonight to celebrate our marriage! But…but…but…then she came along!”

Clara looked away.

“But,” I said, continuing on my professorishly topic, “Prince Beef still wants the Diamond of Drake. Which means, we’re right back where we started at.”

“Bud,” Parker said, “Schwarz and I are moving in. Tonight. We want the sword.”

“Oh yeah, yeah, yeah,” Schwarz agreed. “The Prince is still going to have the party, I’m sure. You don’t have all that stuff prepared just to waste it, tell you what.”

The professor’s mind went like this:

The katana the prince had was fake; but they didn’t know that; they would make a great distraction if this professor needed to go back in tonight; did the professor need to go back in tonight?

I looked at Sweet Sue. Sue looked back at me. We both nodded. And then it became clear.

PL Symbol


Verbally Attacked at the Tea Store

 A good strong workout helps you realize that not everything is mental. Physical pain can be achieved, too.

~ V. Shnodgrate, Renowned PL Poet

UntitledSo, it was the day of the announcement party.

I must admit: This professor had slept lots on it, and I still wasn’t sure what an announcement party was. Time to see, I suppose.

Now, here’s the thing about parties: They’re generally late. Scheduled late, that is. And this one was no exception.

So I waited around all day, and did some little things, like: fantasized about building boxes, strummed a few chords, and thought about chopping wood.

When that was all finished, I left an hour or so early.

And that’s the way it ought to be done when you have somewhere to go first. There’s never any excuse for tardiness.

I stopped by the tea store.

It’s a must to have cherry green tea. A perfect must.

Screen Shot 2015-11-08 at 2.18.22 PM

Now, there was one scary thing about going in the tea store.


Tea Store.

You see, the store is owned by Clara Higgins, and her older sister. (I don’t know her name, I fear.)

But anyways, Clara and I…well, something sorta happened, and of course this professor didn’t cause it.

As I was walking up to check out with my cherry green tea, I must admit, I was feeling a bit nervous. Which is odd.

The professor is a heartless warrior, see. He’s never nervous; sometimes apprehensive, but never nervous.

Clara was glaring.


“You?!” she snapped. “Can’t believe you have the gall to come in here!”

It was a stumper. She had a point.

Now, Clara had black hair, pointy features (I think) and her hair hung to one side. Don’t ask me how that’s possible. It must have something to do with gravity.

“Umm…” I began. “I needed cherry green tea, see.”

She grabbed it off of me and threw it in a bag.

As I paid up, she said: “You know, I asked you to that party just so I wasn’t alone!”

She threw my bag at me. Goodness, she was cranky.

“Yes, yes,” I said, attempting a defense, “but, see, a thingy came up. A spy thingy. And, plus, I thought you only wanted to be escorted to the party, which I did. Rather remarkably brilliantly, too, you must admit.”

Her green eyes flashed. “I’ll admit nothing! You…you…” She sputtered into nothingness.

“Well,” I said, “now, the sudden, I’m feeling a bit bad about the whole thing. Maybe I should make it up to–”

“Just leave,” she signed. “It’s fine. Never mind.”

Hmm. What a humdinger. Going from ‘not fine’ to ‘fine’ that fastly fast was something. That’s girls for you.

But as I left, I decided this professor would do something to make it up to her, even though she didn’t want me to.

It was chivalrous of me.


Don’t even say it! This is not the professor.


This is. Awwwwwwwwwwesome.

And I was feeling like a knight. Perfect mood to  be in for the announcement party.

PL Symbol

PT News & Amelia Attacks


An Excerpt from PT News

PT News Logo

Vol. XXCCVI No. 789334

“PT for TPL”

Punchy Proverbs:

(1) Rushing + No Time = Panic 

(2) When we panic, we must understand one thing: We’re not thinking properly.

(3) To work hard is a good, rightly thing. It is, however, a bit hard on the hips.

Proverbs by poet V. Shnodgrate

Breaking News:

The struggle is real for King Arthur. His castle has been surrounded and the peasants are demanding change. Arthur is adamant about not giving it. The result? Epic confrontation.

Sandra Salami is suing Mr. Manahanny’s paper, Archiving News, for defaming her practice, employees, and father. It is doubtful whether or not that is a smart move on Sandra’s part. Archiving News is the largest paper in TPL.  Read the rest of the story on Pg. 5.

An Excerpt from PT News


Office Life:

The street is busy. Cars here, cars there, but never any cars on the yellow line.

However busy it is, though, this professor still must cross it to get to the PT News building.

I crossed the middle of the street, and I didn’t wait for the cars to stop.

Because they never stop, see.

After a few mean drivers played their horns, the professor was safely across the street. I entered our building.

Well, first I opened the door.

And I held it open for a lady who was passing through.

She got cranky–real quick. “Don’t hold the door for me, worm!”

“You’re in a mistaking fit,” I replied. “I’m not a worm and I didn’t hold the door for you: I did that for your shoes. They’re more lady-like, see.”

I left at that point. And went up to the 7th floor. That’s the top of the building. PT News owns the entire building, you must understand, but we rent some floors out.

V. Shnodgrate was standing over a pot of coffee when I came in.

“There’s no coffee,” he said.

“That’s because no one made any,” Nick Warren said.

“A wonder,then, there’s no coffee,” I said.

Then I went in my office. There’s a plant in the corner, you should know. A blue one. With red peaches.

At least, that’s what I say.

Nick stuck his head in. “J. and Julia are out getting stuff.” Then he was gone.

I sat down at the desk and began to do many things that can’t be recounted here, for we haven’t the time or interest.

Then, something sudden and scary happened:

The door opened and Amelia came in.

It was shocking.

 “Goodness,” this professor said. “How’d you get in?”

“Through the door.”

“But it was shut, wasn’t it?”

“It was.” Then she smiled.

I stood. “Hey, Shnod!”

He came in. “Why is there no coffee?” he asked again.

“Well, it’s not the professor’s fault,” I answered.

“Yes, it probably is.”

Then I looked at Amelia. “Would you like to go to lunch?”

“I’d love to!” She almost squealed, too.

“Good,” I said, “Shnod will take you. He wants coffee.”

And that is how you get rid of two problematic people, PF.

PT News & Fighting off Mr. Manahanny


An excerpt from PT News

PT News Logo

Vol. XIILCCC No. 2344343998

“PT for TPL”

Punchy Proverbs:

(1) When given into, the desire for more becomes the quest for everything.

(2) Stupidity arises from lack of understanding, lack of desiring understanding, and an overly good time.

(3) Inhumanity is often misdiagnosed. It occurs, mostly, when it rains and the worms are drowned. 

Proverbs by poet V. Shnodgrate

Breaking News:

Sandra Salami’s hospital is quickly becoming one of the most trusted medical practices in the land. Despite what the other leading (and lying, mind you) papers might say, Sandra’s hospital is timely and fair to all. Read the rest of the article on Pg. 5.

King Arthur of England is desperately trying to fight the backlash from his people, who have decided that they don’t want a king, but rather a nicer form of government. “I shall squash any uprising!” he said in a speech last week. He’s getting squashed, however.

An Excerpt from PT News


Office Life:

So, this professor was sitting in his office–in the PT News building, mind you–when I got a ring, and then another ring, from the telephone.

Here’s the thing, see: I started a newspaper. All the other bigger papers didn’t tell the new as it should be told.

And news needs to be told as it should be told; otherwise, it’s not the right type of news.

I do hope that makes sense.

Anyways and a few, the professor’s phone was ringing, so I picked it up.

“Hello,” I said. “This is PT News. Managing editor speaking.” I felt important straight away, mind you.

Even thought PT News is small, the other newspaper places hate on us all the time. They must be jealous, see.

“Haha nothing,” a curt voice replied. “This is Mike Manahanny.”

“Oh,” this professor replied.

You see, Mike Manahanny owns the largest paper in the big city.


“Have I ever told you,” I began, trying to change the subject that I knew was coming, “that your last name is an intense interest?”

I find that it always works well to change the subject before it’s brought up. That way you don’t need to change it.

But it didn’t work.

“I’m not taking any of that, PVJ,” he almost growled. “I want to buy your newspaper. Your paper is small, insignificant…” He paused here. “Cheap…filthy…”

It’s not filthy, I promise.

“But we make a difference,” I replied.

“Don’t get caught up on that crap,” Manahanny said. “No one cares about making a difference. It’s all about making a buck.” Then he suddenly shouted: “What?! Can’t you see I’m on the phone?”

It pays, sometimes, having a small office: You don’t get interrupted often, like Mr. Manhanny does. I do believe his staff interrupts him every other hour and then some.

“Mr. Manahanny,” I said, “listen here: I’m not going to sell. My employees wouldn’t understand–“

“Don’t give me that dirt,” he said. “You have only what? Five people on staff?”

“Four, actually.”

“Four?! Haha. Just sell to me before you embarrass yourself.”

“You know what, of the sudden, I must flee. News stuff to see to. As always, having speaks with you is not much of a pleasure.”

And this professor hung up. Or pushed the button more like.

It was a good sign: Mr. Manahanny wouldn’t want to buy PT News if it wasn’t affecting him in some way.

A Proverb Dissected


The truth may be vexing and disappointing, but it doesn’t evolve. You see, it made up its mind long ago, and has stuck with it ever since.

~ V. Shnodgrate

“Yeah, no,” Schwarz Tauptinker said, shaking his head. “What I get from this is that truth is a person. I never figured on that before, chickit.”

Fats Henry mumbled something, then said: “I think this refers to the fact that once you make up your mind, you shouldn’t change it.”

V. Shnodgrate seemed disappointed. He looked at the next student:


“Well…” she began, fluttering her eyelashes (she always does that; must have a bug in there). “I’d say that if the truth is vexing you, there’s nothing you can do about it. It’s his fault in the end, not yours.”

Shnodgrate nodded. “A bit better.”

Then his eyes fell on me.

So, this professor said: “I don’t feel like thinking about this one today, but I say: It’s probably good. Can we leave it at that?”

I was thrown out of the poetry school.

What’s the proverb mean to you, PF? Would you have been thrown out of the school?

TPL Schedule

Sunday: OFF — Day of Shalt Nots

Monday: TPL Story

Tuesday: OFF — Because I'm Gone

Wednesday: Professor Speaks

Thursday: OFF — Because Yes

Friday: OFF — All Day Sleep Does

Saturday: OFF — Blue-Footed Boobies Need Fed

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Professorish Smiley:




Depends on the day, see.

Punchy Argot:

1. Dadblameit.
2. Humdinger
3. Chickit
4. Chicky-woot-woot
5. Malediction
6. Rapscallion
7. Gardoobled
8. Congratulilolations
9. Togoggin
10. Gargonic
11. Two and Five Gurgles
12. Rats and a Heifer
13. Two nods, a wink, and an astroid
14. A bit, bits, and little bits
15. Huff-Hum and a Roar
16. So many thanks, I can't begin to thank you
17. Ri-do-diculous


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