Why Jumping is Overrated

So…okay, this is rather a brutal thing to say, but you know this professor: I can’t help myself.

See, sometimes it’s best to be brutal: You get out what you need to say and you don’t have long thinks about it and end up changing your mind.

Have you ever been in a situation where you were quite happy and quite frustrated at once? A situation where you were relieved but pretty badly annoyed?

Let me explain.

You see, I had been searching all over for this gym bag. It was a red, Under Armour gym bag, to be precise.

Aha. This be the brute.

Then, wonders of wonders, I found it! (It was in the last store I checked, too. How’s that for a dadblamery?)

Thus, this professor was extremely overjoyed, having found the bag.

BUT.

And this is a big but.

The bag was wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy way way way way at the top of a shelf, far out of my reach.

So it was a sticky wicket.


Now, there was a fellow about who worked there, but he was far off, leaning on a table, staring this professor’s way.

Yes, he was taunting me.

“You can’t get the bag,” he seemed to be saying.

“That might be,” I seemed to be saying back, “but watch how I end up getting it.”

I’ll be honest right away.

The jumping didn’t work.

Gosh. I hope I didn’t look like that.

Up to this point in my life, I must admit I thought I was a rather good jumper. You know how it is. You fancy you can do something well, you even take pride in thinking that you can, but the fact is you’ve just never really tried.

So now we all know I can’t jump.

DADBLAMEIT. You know what…? Forget I even mentioned that…

After my jumping attempts failed (just because my ankle was rather sore that day) I moved on to a better solution: a hockey stick.

You see, one glance in the fellow’s direction proved that he was still leaning on the table. But there was a smug look on his face after the attempted jumps. (Dadblame that sore ankle, right?)

But once I returned with the hockey stick…

Ah, he stood up then…

…and watched the professor fetch his bag.

Moral: You don’t need to jump when you have a hockey stick.

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47 Responses to “Why Jumping is Overrated”


  1. 1 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister July 26, 2018 at 04:12

    Instead of using all four legs to jump…maybe use only two for the jumping. Other two for pulling and catching. Cute goat, for sure.

    • 2 Professor VJ Duke August 15, 2018 at 18:28

      Now, now. Would you eat that goat?

      • 3 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister August 17, 2018 at 02:03

        I don’t believe I eat goat, Duke.

      • 4 Professor VJ Duke August 19, 2018 at 17:01

        Audith…how about lamb?

      • 5 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister August 20, 2018 at 13:54

        Bone or no bone?

  2. 6 House of Heart July 20, 2018 at 23:36

    It’s great to be in the Punchylands. Always carry a step stool with you, jumping results in finger pointing and snickering.

    • 7 Professor VJ Duke August 15, 2018 at 18:24

      But where do you put the dadbalmed thing?

      • 8 House of Heart August 15, 2018 at 20:52

        I hadn’t thought that part out.

      • 9 Professor VJ Duke August 19, 2018 at 16:57

        See you must think of all the details see.

      • 10 House of Heart August 19, 2018 at 17:09

        I prefer spontaneity but I’ll give that a shot.

  3. 11 Alastair Savage July 18, 2018 at 06:30

    Surely the carrot is always better than the stick, professor?
    Nice to have you back, sir. I thought you had shuffled off this virtual coil.

    • 12 Professor VJ Duke July 18, 2018 at 18:33

      Alastair!!! Nice to see you as well. I still have those fantastic pics you drew of me.

      The carrot…the carrot…but is it long enough?

      • 13 Alastair Savage July 18, 2018 at 20:52

        Hmm… length must always be taken into account when using tubers as a weapon. And girth, of course.

      • 14 Professor VJ Duke July 20, 2018 at 22:36

        I always forget the girth part, go figure

  4. 15 Bebekoh July 18, 2018 at 06:27

    Ahh… I’ve missed you Prof. It has been a while. I can imagine the dilemma that beset thee. However, it is inconceivable for me, as I imagine you being tall. But then again, I wasn’t there to judge how high those shelves would have been. :P

    I, for one, refuse to jump. Because (1) I can’t, (2) I’m too short. Honestly, i imagine myself looking ridiculous to even try. So I use one of the greatest weapon in my arsenal… my cuteness. LOL!

    There’s always a knight in shining armor to help me out – in this case, a tall fellow customer or the storekeeper (preferably male. :P)

    • 16 Professor VJ Duke July 18, 2018 at 18:32

      The shelf was rather ridiculous, if I may say so myself. I mean, it was far, far away. (Like that galaxy, btw.) How’ve you been?

      Ooooooooooooo….so. How do you do that? Give me details. The professor is rather ugly, like a turtle, but I may try it. Tho that shopkeeper dude wasn’t about to help.

      • 17 Bebekoh July 19, 2018 at 06:53

        I usually just stare at the item and act clueless. Most of the time, a tall person comes or the storekeeper and ask if i need anything. hahahaha!

        Or out of desperation, I will call someone, who most of the time is staring at me, and ask if they (he) can get the item for me.

        Im good btw.. you?

      • 18 Professor VJ Duke July 20, 2018 at 22:37

        lol that sounds great! I think I’m gonna have to give it a go. But something tells me they won’t treat a dude the same way…

        Good! I think. Not much too report. Any adventures recently?

      • 19 Bebekoh July 25, 2018 at 10:49

        yeah.. but that was early June… got a much needed work-break. :P

        Life however, wellllllll!!!!… Hahahha!

      • 20 Professor VJ Duke August 15, 2018 at 18:28

        Life is a never-ending journey, they say. But they never say where to.

  5. 21 walt walker July 18, 2018 at 01:40

    I wish I’d been there. I would have given that shopkeep the what for.

    • 22 Professor VJ Duke July 18, 2018 at 18:31

      Slapped him with your glove? Stuck your cigar in his eye? Capitol ideas.

  6. 23 Haylee July 17, 2018 at 22:32

    Have you ever watched a toddler jumping? It’s hilarious – they quite obviously think they are leaping to the moon but actually manage only half an inch of airspace! Which is about all I can muster, though like you believe I am of Olympian calibre. I feel your pain. Resourcefulness makes up for any embarrassment though, hockey sticks are obviously handy. Good for zombies too, I hear :)

    • 24 Professor VJ Duke July 18, 2018 at 18:31

      Zombies! Must watch out for those bad boys, too. Why don’t we join the next olympics? You know, the long jump.

      • 25 Haylee July 21, 2018 at 07:49

        I’d prefer pole vault… I need tools to compensate for my shortness!

      • 26 Professor VJ Duke August 15, 2018 at 18:26

        Ooo. Can I do that too?

      • 27 Haylee August 15, 2018 at 20:15

        I’m sure you can (and will) do whatever you want!

      • 28 Professor VJ Duke August 19, 2018 at 16:56

        That makes it seem like I don’t listen to reason tho…

      • 29 Haylee August 19, 2018 at 19:07

        🤔

  7. 30 Bethy July 17, 2018 at 20:59

    Um…jumping is never a good idea! I have never tried a hockey stick though…usually I use puppy dog 🐕 eyes on a very tall person, or a terribly boring stepstool. Being a bit height challenged these things happen all the time to me!

    • 31 Professor VJ Duke July 18, 2018 at 18:30

      Bethy!! lol Yeah, and this bag was sooooooo far up. It was like in storage or something. You could also use a katana sometime.

  8. 32 Debbie July 17, 2018 at 19:51

    I’m not particularly jumpy, Professor, but I can climb fairly well! And of course, when I can’t reach something on the very top shelf, I generally look around for a TALL person to provide assistance (they never seem to mind either). Now I’m going to make notes to keep a hockey stick around for those special occasions. Gee, I do love that baby goat leaping on that bed!!

    • 33 Professor VJ Duke July 18, 2018 at 18:29

      Even if the baby goat can’t jump? That means there’s hope for me.

      Yes imagine, better yet, you had a looooooooong katana. You could fetch stuff with that.

      • 34 Debbie July 18, 2018 at 19:49

        And protect meself, to boot!!

      • 35 Professor VJ Duke July 20, 2018 at 22:36

        And attack people that are raunchy

  9. 36 FictionFan July 17, 2018 at 16:58

    PROF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I don’t believe you can’t jump. I think the problem probably was that you were wearing the special gravity-adding boots you got for your trip to Mars. *nods wisely* Either that or your inner kangaroo was having a nap. You should have bounced on your tail like Tigger.

    *waits for a year for an answer*

    • 37 Professor VJ Duke July 18, 2018 at 18:29

      FEF! It’s been like 10 years, right? Maybe more.

      Well, I’m sad to say it must be true. I just need to practice it. Lucy suggested I eat tennis balls, and I’m thinking on it, you know.

  10. 38 Lucy Brazier July 17, 2018 at 15:36

    Ah I have missed the Punchy-ness in my life! How have I lived so long without your wisdom and excellent advice? I, too, used to be a good jumper, which was lucky because I am only very small. But now I am getting old and creaky so jumping might be dangerous. Now I shall ensure I have a hockey stick with me at all times.

    • 39 Professor VJ Duke July 17, 2018 at 15:38

      Lucy! It’s been too long, hasn’t it? Not sure there’s much wisdom here, tho. I mean, maybe. But probably not. But you see, I don’t think I’ve ever been a good jumper, tho I used to think I was. That’s the tricky part, see. Is there a way to get better?

      • 40 Lucy Brazier July 17, 2018 at 15:47

        Far too long! Maybe practicing jumping would help… but then one just gets tired and the jumps become less and less. Some way of making the legs springier! I suggest a diet of elastic bands and tennis balls *nods*

      • 41 Professor VJ Duke July 18, 2018 at 18:28

        Hahahahahhaha. Gosh, imagine eating tennis balls! I mean, I’ve seen a dog or two give it a go…but whoa. That’s hard right there. Must not be tasty either.

      • 42 Lucy Brazier July 18, 2018 at 18:51

        It’s not my best idea, I’ll grant you. Generally if a dog tries to eat it, it must be bad.

      • 43 Professor VJ Duke July 20, 2018 at 22:36

        This is true. Dogs eat anything. How is old Terry, now that you bring him up?

      • 44 Lucy Brazier July 21, 2018 at 09:04

        He is enormous. Still killing everything in sight. I loves him! He sends you his very best.

      • 45 Professor VJ Duke August 15, 2018 at 18:26

        How great. Please pet his ears for me.

      • 46 Lucy Brazier August 16, 2018 at 11:45

        I certainly will!

      • 47 Professor VJ Duke August 19, 2018 at 16:59

        Stunning beast


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