Our greatest triumphs usually take place during our weakest moments.
V. Shnodgrate, Renowned PL Poet
So, I’d been tranquilized slightly.
I say slightly ’cause this professor could feel everything but my legs and feet. Some feeling was coming back, though. But I was selfish, and wanted it all back.
The whole thing was demeaning, you know.
Anyways and some, Manly-Man and Daddy Salami had rescued me from the back of a van. (Remember, we’re stranded on Honi Planet, capital of the Honi Galaxy. That’s a no brainer, gee.)
Anyways and sums (I had to change it this time, see) Manly-Man and Daddy Salami were carrying me between them, down the busy city streets, dodging people here, there, and even some vehicles.
I swear I was almost crushed at a few points.
And this professor hardly swears when in trouble. Dadblameit.
We stopped in an alleyway.
“I need me a breather, curs,” Salami said, huffing and puffing.
“Okay,” Manly-Man said. “I could keep going, though, ’cause I’s so fancy.”
Salami looked at him. “Shut-up.”
“Look here, fellows,” I broke in, “can someone tell me what’s going on? Why was my intergalactic flight shot down?”
“I’ll tell yer why,” Salami wheezed. “You stole this”–he held up my can of cherries–“and the Honi government wants it back!”
“Give me my cherries, the sudden,” I said. And I said ‘the sudden’ part quickly, ’cause I hoped he’d give them fastly fast.
“That’s why’s we’s leavin’, dude,” Manly-Man said. “I’s going to rocket outta here. Does you wanna come?”
No, of course not, I said, I must stay here and figure out things. I’m an epic spy slash super villain, after all. I shall get to the bottom of this!
That’s what I thought would be cool to say.
What I actually said: “You got it, get me outta here.”
Let’s be real: I couldn’t feel my legs and I was in a foreign city. What was I going to actually figure out? Nothing, I tell you. Adventure had to wait.
I was like this dog: couldn’t feel my legs.
But that’s when things went south.
Salami went to throw my cherries onto the busy street…
…and I hollered…
…and I let out after them…
(Which, by the way, is a wonder, since I couldn’t feel my legs. Have I mentioned that yet? But I was able to propel myself.)
I fell right into the busy street.
A car stopped right in front of me.
Its breaks squealed.
I missed death by this much…
Ladies and gentlemen and Walt, that is my spirit animal.
Now, I just laid there. And played dead. Maybe they’d go away. After all, I had the cherries.
Safe and sound.
The car doors opened.
And a VERY tall woman got out. She was in high heels, too, so she was epically tall.
A guy her same height got out of the passenger side.
He had blonde curls floating about his head. Like worms.
Something like this. This is actually a mossy slug, or something like that..
“Oh, look,” the woman said, in some sort of scary accent, “we almost crushed his life out.”
That was a thing. Thanks for not doing that.
I said nothing, though. Still playing dead.
She turned towards the fellow and hissed:
“Put him in the back. Quick.”
I was in trouble.
A glance about told me Manly-Man and Salami had deserted me.
I was in trouble.
But the cherries were nestled safely under my arm.