Thanksgiving — TPL Break — Fuzzy Umps

So, greetings to one and all!

Here’s the thing: Thanksgiving is this week.


You didn’t know the pilgrim ladies gave the indian chaps cherry cookies, did you?

Now, since Thanksgiving is this week, TPL will be off. For the week, that is.

But I must wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving, just for kicks, giggles, and gurgles.

Also, here’s the turkey.


I will ship it to you, if you’re interesting in having it. You just have to pay for the shipping.

See, the professor isn’t fond of the turkey; and the turkey isn’t fond of the professor.

BROOKLINE, MA - OCTOBER 19: A wild turkey tom crosses the sidewalk on Beacon Street. (Photo by Mark Wilson/The Boston Globe via Getty Images)

This turkey is most definitely a gentleman.

One last thing I shall leave you with:

Science has proven that the feeling you get after the Thanksgiving feast is quite normal, however, it’s also quite dangerous.

They’ve even come up with a scientific title for it. It’s called: Fuzzy Umps.

In a sentence: “I’m so stuffed, and feeling only so great. I definitely have the Fuzzy Umps.”

Anyways, take care, happy Thanksgiving! Love you, guys. See you next week.



Scabbard and Blade, Separated

“Make the most of time.” That’s what they say. I just want to know how to make it. 

V. Shnodgrate, Renowned PL Poet

UntitledSo, I felt bad.

I must admit this straight out.

And admit it strongly.


With that out of the way, I no longer feel as bad, see.

The Jeweled Katana was in my possession. I thieved it to stop the others from thieving with it. An act of goodwill.

The Jeweled Katana is a decorative weapon, see. It can’t really be used for chopping wood, or running someone through.

It’s meant to sit there. And look pretty. Like most toads, in fact.



The blade was some sort of really cool looking metal. There were gems all over the hilt and scabbard. You name it, the gem was there. No rubies, though. In fact, no diamonds either. Just emeralds and sapphires.

My earlier statement was not a lie. [Earlier statement: You name it, the gem was there.]

Anyways, the scabbard had some velcro on it. I tore that off, just because.

What to do with it? It wasn’t mine to keep.

This professor was in his office. I’d driven home rather fastly fast. It probably wasn’t safe at home. After all, Prince Beef and Fats Henry knew I took it.

Someone was bound to show up here sometime.

This professor waited in his office, having thinks, until I heard the sirens.


I had to get out.

Now, it was late at night. The analysts would not be happy.

So, this professor slipped out the back door.

I was going to go to England, see. Maybe give it to King Arthur for safekeeping.

It was better than no plan. No judging of this professor!

Now, the thing is, on my way to the airport, I passed the Tea Shop. This professor was walking, ’cause I wouldn’t be able to be tracked that way, see.


Tea Shop.

And that’s when I ran into Clara Higgins, who was just locking up the Tea Store. She must’ve been cleaning the floors to be there that late, I suppose.

We both just stopped and stared at each other.

“You…” she breathed, then her eyes fell upon the Jeweled Katana.

I was just holding it out, see.

This professor tried to cover it up, but it was too late.


She was amazed.

“Isn’t it something? I dig it.” And I nodded.

She reached out to touch the hilt, then…it happened.

Lights lit us up and a voice said:

“Halt and surrender the sword!”

Both Clara and I pulled back: she got the scabbard, I got the sword.

Prince Beef’s security (or troops) were moving in.

We bolted, in different directions, too.

Oh dear me.

PL Symbol

Stopping Thieving By Thieving

When you steal something so someone else won’t, you are two things: a thief and a selfish thief.

V. Shnodgrate, Renowned PL Poet

UntitledAs soon as I jumped up, Bud Parker whispered:

“Bud, where are you going? They’re not gone yet!”

This professor paid not a heed.

Then Schwarz Tauptinker busted the whole thing.

“He’s going to steal it, chickit!”

And Schwarz screamed that, too.

“Bud!” Parker screamed in reply. “They probably heard that!”

If they didn’t, they definitely heard him.

Then this professor heard: Increased noises from the outside.

We’d been discovered.

Now, keep in mind, it was rather dark in the room. I could hardly see anything. My eyesight was like an icicle’s:

Cold and slippery.

But I managed to grab the katana on the wall. It was stuck there with velcro, see.

Then, lots of chaos happened.

Parker and Schwarz were lunging for me, the door opened, the lights turned on, Fats Henry charged in with a few other people and Prince Beef.

“Stop them all and cut off their heads!” the prince was screaming.

So much noise, there wasn’t much noise. Time sorta stopped for a bit.

Now, everyone was charging for me, see, but at that moment, Parker and Schwarz both made a fantastic lunge for me.

There was a massive collision. I wasn’t in it. Parker and Schwarz shielded me nicely.

Bones broke, I’m sure.

This professor ran.

I’m not sure how this professor made it out, but make it out, I did.

With the sword.

Down the stairs I went, though the front door. I jumped in my car faster than a worm running from a bird, and I was off.

Speeding through the dark night.

Now, true, I’d thieved. But I’d only done it to stop others from thieving, see. It must be righteous, then, see. I’m sure you, see. See?

It was a beautiful katana, though…

But what to do now?

I should’ve thought out a better plan, in truth.

PL Symbol

In Which The Professor Answers Questions

professor speaksSo, taking a break from the TPL Story, The Jeweled Katana, I must answer a few questions.

My good friend Cora, over at her blog (which you can check out here), posted some interesting questions.

This professor decided to answer them, since I’m such an enigma and all.

Let it begin!

*insert war-cry*

1. What time did you get up this morning?

Okay, so here’s the thing: the professor hates getting up early. Just because. Just because it’s usually dark in the morning, see. I’m of the opinion we shouldn’t rise until the sun rises. There. I didn’t answer the first question. Off to a magnificent start.

2. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?

This is a great question. The professor would definitely be around 188. Or maybe 88. 

3. Where did your last kiss take place and with whom?

This is the sort of question which just shouldn’t be asked, see. But we all know (or should know) that the professor is quite heartless and unromantic. So, last kiss…maybe a guitar.

4. If you could hire any actor to portray you in a movie, who would you choose?

Definitely Brock Lesnar. He’s not an actor, though, is he? 


Maybe Julian Edelman!
New England Patriots football player Julian Edelman applauds while sitting courtside in the first half of an NBA basketball game between the Boston Celtics and the Houston Rockets in Boston, Monday, Jan. 13, 2014. (AP Photo/Elise Amendola)

Or maybe this chap.

Screen Shot 2015-10-20 at 11.41.26 AM

5. Can you go the whole day without caffeine?

Yes! The professor is proud about it. And I usually do, I must admit.

6. Do you know what your name means?

Oh goodness me. I have no idea. Maybe strong warrior? Beetle? We must hope for either of the last two.

7. Does your name have a meme?

How backwards am I if I admit…I’m not sure what a meme is?

8. What’s the drink you always order at Starbucks?

So, this professor has been to Starbucks twice this year, I think. I always get black tea. Just because. Black beetles like black tea.

9. Are you good at chess?

I actually was in a chess club, once upon a moon. But I haven’t played in a while. I’m getting worse and worse at it. In fact, I don’t even recognize it as a game, it’s so mean to me.

10. Pineapple reminds you of…

Yoda. Simple.


11. What do you eat for breakfast?

It changes, see. I go through patterns. Lately, it’s been oatmeal and an orange.

12. Do you have freckles? 

You know…I don’t think so. 

13. Coffee Drinker?

Not at all, my loves.

PL Symbol

Hiding To Stay Hid

When you go and hide, there’s a principle most everyone follows–if they want to succeed in the pursuit of hiding: They don’t sneeze.

~ V. Shnodgrate, Renowned PL Poet

UntitledSo, I had to hide in a hurry.

The room was an odd room. There were sofas, potted plants, free plants, pictured plants, and a few staple guns.

But, of course, this professor paid no attention to that. For you see, sitting on the wall–I doubt it was glued there, but I couldn’t see how it was staying there–was a jeweled katana.

It was amazing. Breathtaking. All in all, quite beautiful, really.


This is not it, but it’s a katana, see.

No doubt at all this is exactly what Schwarz Tauptinker and Bud Parker were here for. This is what they were sneaking for. This, is what they were thieving for.

It was a wonder and a few that I hadn’t seen it at first. After all, it must be said, when you first walk into a room you really don’t notice the swords. If there are swords.

But I didn’t really have time to think on things muchly more, see.

I had to hide.

There were voices and footsteps.

So, here’s the thing: when there’s no place to hide, one usually hides in the worst of places. That happened to Schwarz, Parker, and I. We all jumped behind the sofa, right under the jeweled katana.

Rotten hiding place.


The lights clicked on.

The voices were among us.

“This is it.”

Prince Beef!

Oh dear me.

“It’s beautiful,” a voice boomed in answer.

Unmistakable, too.

Fats Henry. (The chap lives on a floating island–it floats in the air–and is quite huge.)

“Now,” Prince Beef continued, “I’ll give you that sword, if, and only if, peasant, you bring me the Diamond of Drake.”

This professor nearly gasped. See, the Diamond of Drake is a famous diamond in the Punchy Lands.

So big, so bright. So beautiful. So sparkly. So important, in fact, many “so’s” can’t really explain it. It’s also on display, see.

Tourists come to see it. That’s the way it’s done.

“Hmm,” Henry said, thinking a bit, bits, and little bits. “The Diamond of Drake…”

“Yes, peasant,” the prince answered. “Bring it to me and this…will be yours!”

“And that’s something else!” Henry almost roared. “I’m not a peasant. I’m full of glorious fat!”

There was a pause.

“I think you’re revolting,” Prince Beef finally said. “But enough of that. Do we have a deal? I shall, from this diamond, make a ring for my beloved, Gertrude.”

“Yeah, sure, whatever,” Henry answered. “I want that sword.”

The lights clicked off, the door closed. They were leaving.

Now, I had a thinks. See, if I didn’t take the jeweled katana, Parker and Schwarz would thieve it. If they didn’t thieve it, Henry would thieve the diamond for the sword.

All that thieving.

One thing to do.

I jumped up.

PL Symbol

TPL Schedule

Tuesday: PL Story
Wednesday: Professor Speaks
Thursday: PL Story
Friday: PL Story

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Professorish Smiley:




Depends on the day, see.

Punchy Argot:

1. Dadblameit.
2. Humdinger
3. Chickit
4. Chicky-woot-woot
5. Malediction
6. Rapscallion
7. Gardoobled
8. Congratulilolations
9. Togoggin
10. Gargonic
11. Two and Five Gurgles
12. Rats and a Heifer
13. Two nods, a wink, and an astroid
14. A bit, bits, and little bits
15. Huff-Hum and a Roar
16. So many thanks, I can't begin to thank you
17. Ri-do-diculous


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