Sometimes, the best way to end things, is to initiate them.
~ V. Shnodgrate, Renowned PL Poet
And Count Mastoid was there.
“Take off his mask,” Count Mastoid repeated.
He was talking about me, of course. This professor had an epic spy mask on.
But no one was making a move.
So, the professor, being the genial fellow he is (usually), I took it off.
“Who are you?” the count asked.
“I’m Professor VJ Duke, of course,” I said. Straight up. Honest. My goals in life.
That puzzled him right up the middle for a second or two.
“Why do you want to kill me?”
Time to epic obfuscate. I looked about at all the men with guns surrounding me. “Doesn’t seem like I’m the one trying to kill anyone, you know.”
He didn’t buy it. “You know what I mean.”
Now it was time to tell a few little lies.
Here’s the thing, see, a little lie plus another little lie, doesn’t really equal a big, fat lie. Rather, they equal two little lies. Don’t ask me why. It’s just how lies function in mathematics. #thisiskindatruebtw
Anyways and some, this professor said:
“I didn’t want to kill you, of many courses. I was just…” And I trailed off.
How do you explain the fact that you were walking around like this–
–in a vacationing destination.
“He’s lying,” the girl said. The girl who had tackled me. (The pink is not sexist of me. I’m running out of colors.)
“No, he’s not,” I answered her.
“Yes, he IS,” she repeated, a bit more slowly this time.
“Hush!” Count Mastoid said.
“Look here,” I said, taking charge of the situation, “if this professor was trying to kill you, it’d be dadblamery. Analysts say that not everyone is as focused on you as you are. Do you know what I’m trying to tell you? You think everything revolves around you, when, actually, it revolves around the sun.”
It made sense to me.
“Dad, I don’t believe him!” the girl said. “He was trying to kill you! Why else is he dressed like that?”
Dad? What an interest, the sudden…
“Well, well, welly,” Salami said, looking from Count Mastoid to me. “Looks like our boy”–indicated me here, I fear–“found ya.”