Apples Are Bad for You…BUT Good for Dentists

Screen Shot 2016-06-26 at 3.33.32 PM

Apples are hard to bite into.

This is a fact, see.

And today, ladies and you other things, I bring you a truth:

Apples are a conspiracy theory.

How, you ask?


Apples are grown from the earth.


That makes them natural, you say.

Natural is healthy.


Uranium is natural, too.

These bacteria like it, apparently. Why does everything have to contradict me?

These bacteria like it, apparently. Why does everything have to contradict me?

Dang it. This cartoon is obviously a fake.


Pay it no mind.

Anyways and a bit…

…where wuth I?

Oh yes.

Apples are part of a conspiracy theory.

A conspiracy theory that revolves around dentists.

Dentist Holding Dental Tools


You see, Doctors and Dentists got together to fool the public.

“An apple a day keeps the doctor away,” they say.

It might be true. But an apple a day, keeps the dentist close.

See, Dentists like to make money.

And they make lots of money when teeth get busted.

Teeth get busted on apples.

‘Cause apples are so hard.

But no one would eat apples, mind. (This was millions of years ago, mind. When man had strong teeth. And tiny brain.)

So, Doctors convinced everyone that apples were good for the health. (Maybe a lie, maybe not.)

People started eating and eating and eating apples.

Teeth got weaker over generations.

Dentists cashed in.

That, ladies and gentleman, is the conspiracy theory behind apples.

Eat them not.

The only scary part is this: What did the Doctors get out of the deal?

We’ve yet to find out.

Professorish Theory: Apples are part of a conspiracy designed by Doctors and Dentists to earn more profits.

Check this out: This fellow wants to start lions eating apples next.


After all, the more profit the more profit.

Oh, and…

My new spirit animal:


Almost Crushed

Our greatest triumphs usually take place during our weakest moments.

V. Shnodgrate, Renowned PL Poet

UntitledSo, I’d been tranquilized slightly.

I say slightly ’cause this professor could feel everything but my legs and feet. Some feeling was coming back, though. But I was selfish, and wanted it all back.

The whole thing was demeaning, you know.

Anyways and some, Manly-Man and Daddy Salami had rescued me from the back of a van. (Remember, we’re stranded on Honi Planet, capital of the Honi Galaxy. That’s a no brainer, gee.)

Anyways and sums (I had to change it this time, see) Manly-Man and Daddy Salami were carrying me between them, down the busy city streets, dodging people here, there, and even some vehicles.

I swear I was almost crushed at a few points.

And this professor hardly swears when in trouble. Dadblameit.

We stopped in an alleyway.


“I need me a breather, curs,” Salami said, huffing and puffing.

“Okay,” Manly-Man said. “I could keep going, though, ’cause I’s so fancy.”

Salami looked at him. “Shut-up.”

“Look here, fellows,” I broke in, “can someone tell me what’s going on? Why was my intergalactic flight shot down?”

“I’ll tell yer why,” Salami wheezed. “You stole this”–he held up my can of cherries–“and the Honi government wants it back!”

“Give me my cherries, the sudden,” I said. And I said ‘the sudden’ part quickly, ’cause I hoped he’d give them fastly fast.

He didn’t.

“That’s why’s we’s leavin’, dude,” Manly-Man said. “I’s going to rocket outta here. Does you wanna come?”

No, of course not, I said, I must stay here and figure out things. I’m an epic spy slash super villain, after all. I shall get to the bottom of this! 

That’s what I thought would be cool to say.

What I actually said: “You got it, get me outta here.”

Let’s be real: I couldn’t feel my legs and I was in a foreign city. What was I going to actually figure out? Nothing, I tell you. Adventure had to wait.

I was like this dog: couldn't feel my legs.

I was like this dog: couldn’t feel my legs.

But that’s when things went south.

Salami went to throw my cherries onto the busy street…

…and I hollered…

…and I let out after them…

(Which, by the way, is a wonder, since I couldn’t feel my legs. Have I mentioned that yet? But I was able to propel myself.)

I fell right into the busy street.

A car stopped right in front of me.

Its breaks squealed.

I missed death by this much…

Ladies and gentlemen and Walt, that is my spirit animal.

Ladies and gentlemen and Walt, that is my spirit animal.

Now, I just laid there. And played dead. Maybe they’d go away. After all, I had the cherries.

Safe and sound.

The car doors opened.

And a VERY tall woman got out. She was in high heels, too, so she was epically tall.

A guy her same height got out of the passenger side.

He had blonde curls floating about his head. Like worms.

Something like this. This is actually a mossy slug, or something like that..

Something like this. This is actually a mossy slug, or something like that..

“Oh, look,” the woman said, in some sort of scary accent, “we almost crushed his life out.”

That was a thing. Thanks for not doing that.

I said nothing, though. Still playing dead.


She turned towards the fellow and hissed:

“Put him in the back. Quick.”

I was in trouble.

A glance about told me Manly-Man and Salami had deserted me.

I was in trouble.

But the cherries were nestled safely under my arm.

PL Symbol

We Can’t Think of a Title

professor speaks

Greetings and many dadblameits to you all.

I’m technically and literally back.

Are you wondering what the difference is between ‘technically back’ and literally back’? If so, you’re not alone.

So am I.

And that’s exactly why I threw them both in there like that. All nice and smooth.

That way, evil persons can’t say, “You meant this,” or, “What you really wanted to say is this…”

See, I mean everything when I say something. And I say everything when I mean something.

That way, all my bases are covered.


I was away. This is a truth.

I was at a guitar camp.

Check out this rainbow...doesn't it remind you of me?, it doesn't remind me of me either. What's up with that?

Check out this rainbow…doesn’t it remind you of me? You know, it’s a double rainbow, like I’m a double personality… Yeah…no, it doesn’t remind me of me either. What’s up with that? Why can’t things just be agreeable?

Storm clouds!


That cloud triggered me.


If you’re wondering what that means, hey, so am I. Apparently, you can get triggered by literally and practically and technically anything these days. (See what I did there? Always inclusive, mind. I forgot ‘technically’ up above. Rats and a Heifer.)

Thus, I write this to you, dear TPL fam to inform you that I’m now back. And blogging right on schedule.

Here’s a pic of me loaded down with gear. I’d just arrived. #LongDay #That’saPatsHat


Oh, and the Pats will be playing soon! Get ready to ROOT. Since you all are honorary Pats fan.

*tribune salute*

Pittsburgh Music Video! (With Some Guitar)


So. This is Pittsburgh. And it’s a guitar video. I know it’s been some time since I posted one…

Point State Park is featured in this. And it’s a guitar orchestra!!

Hope you kinda like it!

Hello dadblameit!!

Many hellos to you all!

Yo and what’s up?

I know I’ve been gone rather long. And I didn’t announce anything specifically.


I’m off to Utah next week. Zion National Park, to be exact.

Yes, that's Zion National Park. And that's a beast that lives there. Look at it fly!

Yes, that’s Zion National Park. And that’s a beast that lives there. Look at it fly!

Now, here’s the thing: See, it’s actually a guitar institute I’m going to. Lots of guitar things will be going on. I’ll be doing something dastardly with the orchestra, I think.

Worry not, I’ll give you a full boring update when I return. Also, TPL will start back up, of course, because why not. Dadblameit.

In the meantime, here’s a list of things to make sure you do/don’t do:

  1. Don’t kill any antelope.
  2. Don’t watch the new Ghostbusters movie.
  3. Don’t have any donuts.
  4. Do listen to the Jurassic World theme, over and over.
  5. Don’t get eaten by a tiger.
  6. Don’t cut the grass.
  7. Do listen to the Newsboys.

Okay, that’s it, gentlemen.

I’ll see you in a bit.

Keep your great friends closer than you probably would if they were not your close friends.

Do the same with your relatives.


TPL Schedule

Sunday: OFF — Day of Shalt Nots

Monday: OFF — All Day Sleep Does

Tuesday: Professor Speaks

Wednesday: TPL Story

Thursday: Professor Theories

Friday: Maybe a Post

Saturday: OFF — Chickens Need Fed

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email!

Join 1,805 other followers

Follow The Punchy Lands! on

Blog Stats

  • 112,015 hits

Join the Professor on Twitter!

Professorish Smiley:




Depends on the day, see.

Punchy Argot:

1. Dadblameit.
2. Humdinger
3. Chickit
4. Chicky-woot-woot
5. Malediction
6. Rapscallion
7. Gardoobled
8. Congratulilolations
9. Togoggin
10. Gargonic
11. Two and Five Gurgles
12. Rats and a Heifer
13. Two nods, a wink, and an astroid
14. A bit, bits, and little bits
15. Huff-Hum and a Roar
16. So many thanks, I can't begin to thank you
17. Ri-do-diculous


Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 1,805 other followers

%d bloggers like this: