The Sub & Other Smashing Matters (TPL Story)

So, this professor had a sub.


It was still in a box, but it was a sub. After all, being in a box can’t change what a thing is. If it could, why, this professor might be a box.

This is the type of box I’d be. Bruised with bruises from a war of some sort.

Now, as I was standing in the driveway, contemplating undoing the box and seeing the sub–better to undo boxes than rip them up–Daddy Salami approached, with a wicked smile on his lips.

For those of you who don’t know Salami, he is a portly chap with red hair and a red beard. And green eyes.

“What ya got there, cur?” he said, banging on the box.

There was a resounding clang.

“This,” I said proudly, “is my new sub, don’t you know.”

“A sub?” Salami’s eyes squinted, or the lids moved a bit closer. “You’re a bigger dummy than I thought, heha.”

And I felt I should tell the whole truth. Why? I’m not sure. I’m a bit dull, I suppose.

“I actually sold my news company to buy it.”

He just stared at me. Then laughed.

“Hehaha! Ya dummy. But, hey, I’ll help you out. How much for yer sub? I think Ruber, me son, would benefit from learning how to drive a sub.”

“What will you give for it?” I asked. “Walt Walker and desertdweller29 offered two boomerangs and five cherry suckers and $50,000.”

Salami’s face fell. “Ya cur! I want it for free.”

“The only thing you’re entitled to here is a handshake. Good day, beautiful.”

Now, that was a mistake. Salami left. And I was still having thinks about how to go about opening the sub, when he returned. In a garbage truck. Riding straight for me.

I tried to wave him off. Ask him to stop. Even draw my katana and wave it about madly.

But he still came.

I dove to the side at the last minute.

The sub sorta crunched. Daddy Salami drove off.

Well, this was just great.

Moral: When you get something, unpack it immediately and hide it.


I Bought A Submarine (TPL Story)

This professor must make a confession: I change suddenly and unexpectedly for unknown reasons.

My analysts are still trying to work it out.

But anyways and some…this is what happened: I sold PT News.

PT News Logo

Yes, I did.

But I didn’t sell it to our competitor Mike Manahanny at Archiving News.

I sold it to one of the employees, but that’s not important, see.

This is the interesting part.

I bought a submarine with the money I got from PT News.


This is not it.


This is more like it, I fear.

See, I’m all into the underwater diving experience, and since I don’t like getting wet, the sub is perfect.


Underwater experience I was hoping for.


Underwater experience I’d probably get. (That’s a picture of me, by the way.)

So, the package (the sub was in the package) was delivered at my door. And I was excited about it.

So was my neighbor, for the chap came over.

“What’s in there?”

He said it gruffly as if he had a right to know.

Now, this professor said the first thing that popped into his mind, and I shouldn’t have. But I speak before thinking, see.

A good rule to follow: Have thinks before you have speaks; have speaks after you have thinks.

“Looks like a walrus is in there,” he said. “So…what is in there?”

“My wife.”

And I said it from the depths of my…something or another.

He wasn’t even taken aback. The chap just nodded and nodded.

“Yup,” he said, “I’ve heard about that, sending away for a wife. Good thing they send a container with them.”

And he cast a nervous glance back towards his house.

“Gotta go. Wife will be wondering about me.”

Then he stood there.

Rats and a Heifer.

Don’t you hate, PF, when you must give the closing comment to a conversation? I never know what to say, in truth.

So I said: “Go in peace, my love.”

He left real quick.

Eyes are Important [Movie Ft.]

Mr. Magi held up a picture.

“What sort of eye is this? Who does it belong to, is what I mean.”

This professor looked closely, and so did Schwarz Tauptinker.

hamiltonEye (1)

“Umm,” I said, “that eye belongs to…a pretty girl, I’d say.”

“Nah,” Schwarz disagreed. “That’s a lizard’s eye.”

“Now,” Mr. Magi said, “here’s another picture, zoomed out a bit.”


“Rats and a heifer,” I said, “pigs have awesome eyes, it must be said.”

“I don’t know what this pig is doing with a lizard’s eye,” Schwarz said.

“You should ask your Aunt Liz,” Mr. Magi said, putting the picture away. “She’s an expert in lizards, isn’t she? Never mind. Now, the reason I did this experiment is to show you that lizards–”

“Pigs, you mean,” this professor interrupted.

“Right!” Mr. Magi hurriedly said. “That pigs are as intelligent as humans.”

That stopped this professor and Schwarz cold.

“I don’t like it,” Schwarz said.

“Oh yes,” Mr. Magi said. “It’s said that if you sing a pig a lullaby, he’ll go to sleep.”

“Not a lullaby like this,” I said.

“I’m not sure what that has to do with pigs being like humans,” Mr. Magi said.

“And I’m not sure what pigs have to do with humans,” this professor said.

“I’m going to ask Liz about the lizards,” Schwarz returned.

Sucker Shopping

This professor, you must understand, is a child of decisions.

I know what a decision is and what a decision is not; I know how to make decisions and I know when I’m just pretending to make decisions; and I only make decisions sometimes.

And that is why this professor was struggling with this decision.

It was a hard one, after all.

I was here:


For all of us out there who are not sweet (especially Roscoe) this is a subliminal message.

Now, I was having the most dadblamery of a time choosing between two suckers.

The cherry sucker or the lemon sucker.

It’s commonly said, don’t you know, that the true sucker is the sucker who can’t choose between two suckers.

So, this professor was just like the suckers. Only I hope I was cherry, for sure.

With a final roar–it’s always good to roar when you decide things–I chose the cherry sucker.



With that, I went to the register.

“I’ll have this cherry sucker,” I said.

Now, the fellow at the register was a teenager, I’d say. But a tall, lanky one, too.

“What?” he said, sounding a bit surprised. “That’s all you want? Really?”

“For sure,” I answered. “There are enough calories here to keep a pregnant moose on top of things for a few months.”

He made an odd face at me.

“Fine,” he said. “That’ll be $5.”

“$5?” I said.

Now, here’s the thing, I was a bit incredulous at this point.

He nodded. “Yep. We’ve got a store policy: If you only buy an item worth $0.05, we have to multiply that total by 100 to get the new price. It doesn’t make sense for us to do it the other way, see, dude.”

“How dreadfully unwonderful,” I answered. “Then I’ve decided I don’t want your sucker, madam.”

And I left.

With the sucker, of course.

What Lives in There?

So, this professor was having a gigantic think-session.

What do you suppose lives in this cave?


I came up with a few options.

(1) A Yeti

(2) A few mice

(3) Some snakes

(4) An arctic fox


(5) A polar bear

(6) A pigeon


If I was a bird, that’d be me.

Well, what does you suppose lives in there, PF?

TPL Schedule

Tuesday: TPL Story
Wednesday: TPL Story
Thursday: TPL Story
Friday: TPL Story
We keep a schedule 'cause it can get confusing.

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Professorish Smiley:




Depends on the day.

Punchy Argot:

1. Manothunder.
2. Dadblameit.
3. Maburnit.
4. Punchinny.
5. Wowawee.
6. Humdinger.
7. Punchalicioius.
8. Plumbtastic.
9. Chickit.
10. Chicky-woot-woot.
[abbrev. C-W-W.]
11. Laws.
12. Malediction.
13. Ja-beanwicky.
14. Rapscallion.
15. "Jazzy Couldren Laughed!"
16. Gardoobuled.
[alt. spelling: Gardoobled.]
17. Congratulilolations.
18. Togoggin.
19. Gargonic.
20. Warts and Popcorn.
21. Two and Five Gurgles.
22. Rats and a Heifer.
23. Two nods, a wink, and an astroid.
24. A bit, bits, and little bits.
25. Huff-Hum and a Roar.
26. So many thanks, I can't begin to thank you.
27. Ri-do-diculous.
28. Humphalicious
29. Grossapopoluss
30. Ratsous
31. Skunkunctious

Punchy Questions?

If you have any questions for the professor—about the Punchy Lands, specific characters, or anything Punchy in general—send a message immediately!


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