I haven’t died.

I haven’t joined a secret society of awful funnel-cakin’ poets.

I haven’t assassinated a really important tribal leader who is bent on sacrificing his people to some random volcano.

And I haven’t  * I REPEAT HAVEN’T *

…been up to much, really.

I know. Shocking, isn’t it?

You’d think this professor would be up to all sorts of wickedness and dadblamery. And the truth is, it isn’t true.

When you get old, your limbs don’t work the same as they used to.

And I have a special announcement: I don’t have my lower leg limbs.

At least, they’re not working like they used to. So for the last two years, I’ve been sitting on my couch trying to get to a phone to get help.

Alright, you win.

It’s all lies.

The truth is, I’ve been a bit neglectful.

But has it really been two years?

I’m fairly ancient now.



Up to this point, I haven’t been honest.

At all.

You may be wondering where is the lie and where is the truth.

Mr. Truth walked out on me a long time ago, and it’s all be lies ever since.

And Mr. Lie (the girl above) has taken Mr. Truth’s place.

For years, I have lied to myself that I’m posting on this blog.

For years, I have lied to myself that I’m young and courageous.

For years, I have lied to myself…just in general.

What is the moral to this tale, you may ask?

It’s simple…when you stop to give it a think or two. 

You mustn’t let Mr. Truth walk out on you.

Thank you.

60 Responses to “IT’S ALL LIES”

  1. 1 kalabalu June 16, 2021 at 13:44

    What a delightful delicious conversation.

  2. 2 Ahdiye27 March 28, 2020 at 20:22

    Professor! If you paint your fingernails red then you’ll be exactly like Penn Jillette haha😂

  3. 4 Bethy March 12, 2020 at 21:42

    I couldn’t agree more!!

  4. 10 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister March 4, 2020 at 03:49

    Glad you’re finally admitting to all those lies. I can’t keep them straight anyway, so best to light a fire in the middle of’em.
    Good to see you’ve grown up a bit since last week and some, Duketh.

  5. 15 Debbie March 3, 2020 at 14:56

    ‘Twas a delight to find your comment on my blog this morning and to realize you are indeed alive and kicking! Has it really been TWO YEARS?! You must catch us up on your doings — but oh, how I pity you trying to catch up on TWO YEARS of posts from us, heehee!!

  6. 19 cherry2727 March 3, 2020 at 08:28

    heyyy professor !!!! i’m new here but i love your blog !! welcome back :::)))

  7. 23 Haylee March 3, 2020 at 07:15

    Lies, Professors and picks… Oh my!

    This was an inbox arrival when I woke up, which was a nice surprise. And the tags to your post…


    Instrument related or your list of the most desirable 2-piece swimwear of 2020?

    I do hope you’ve eaten.

  8. 32 FictionFan March 3, 2020 at 07:04

    Good grief! Look at the dust in here! And the cobwebs – urghhh! (There better not be spiders or I shall get very grumpy.) Aha – I see what happened! A wicked fairy put you in an enchanted sleep and you’ve been waiting all this time for a magical kiss to release you. Tchah! You can never find a frog when you need one!

    Anyway, I’m very glad you’re alive and back and all that stuff, but let’s get to the important info – HOW’S MY SCHWARZY??? 😍

    • 33 Professor VJ Duke March 5, 2020 at 01:07

      FEFEFEFEFEFEF! But to be honest, I never dusted, you know. It was just more lively dust back in the day when everyone was moving about. Spiders….wait I know how to say that in Italian…or at least I did yesterday. hahahaahahahhaha…A kiss? I’d rather not have one of those by a frog, you know.

      Well, have you asked him out yet?

      • 34 FictionFan March 5, 2020 at 07:43

        Say it in Italian! But it would be a magical frog – it might turn into a beautiful princess when it kisses you! Of course, there’s an equal chance you’d turn into a handsome frog, but that wouldn’t be so bad – OK, you’d be green and slimy but think how high you could jump!

        *simpers* No, I’m waiting for him to ask me…

      • 35 Professor VJ Duke March 6, 2020 at 00:35

        Can’t a flea jump higher than a frog tho? I’d rather be a slimy flea. Or maybe a kangaroo with knives.

        I think you should ask him. He’s been a bit forgetful lately.

      • 36 FictionFan March 6, 2020 at 08:49

        Interesting question – I think you should set up a contest! No, kangaroos would be rubbish with knives – their wee short arms would mean they could never reach their enemies. They’d need lances!

        Huh! Why should I do all the work?? Men!!! *flounces off*

      • 37 Professor VJ Duke March 27, 2020 at 20:46

        Alright. I think we should have a jousting tournament for Schwarz and all the ladies that want him. Wait. Is there a “t” in Schwarz? Like this: Schwartz. I can’t remember.

      • 38 FictionFan March 29, 2020 at 01:03

        *gulps* I can’t remember either – ask him! Wait a minute! Do you mean there are other women trying to steal my Schwar(t)zy??? How dare they! I shall be ready for the tournament just as soon as I can figure out how to put this suit of armour on…

      • 39 Professor VJ Duke April 30, 2020 at 16:51

        You don’t need armour! *hands FEF a blowtorch*

  9. 40 walt walker March 3, 2020 at 03:16

    Thank goodness your back. You’ve no idea what I’ve been through the last two years, guarding your blog.

  10. 46 John W. Howell March 3, 2020 at 01:46

    PROFESSOR!!!!! How lovely to see you upright and taking nourishment. We have all missed you, and are older too. You must tell us about your adventures. ( f there are none make some up)

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