IT’S ALL LIES

Published March 3, 2020 Professor Speaks 60 Comments
Tags: 1120s is on my brain, i have a bikini pick, i'm hungry, I'm still on my couch, two years later, what happens when truth collides

So.

I haven’t died.

I haven’t joined a secret society of awful funnel-cakin’ poets.

I haven’t assassinated a really important tribal leader who is bent on sacrificing his people to some random volcano.

And I haven’t * I REPEAT HAVEN’T *

…been up to much, really.

I know. Shocking, isn’t it?

You’d think this professor would be up to all sorts of wickedness and dadblamery. And the truth is, it isn’t true.

When you get old, your limbs don’t work the same as they used to.

And I have a special announcement: I don’t have my lower leg limbs.

At least, they’re not working like they used to. So for the last two years, I’ve been sitting on my couch trying to get to a phone to get help.

Alright, you win.

It’s all lies.

The truth is, I’ve been a bit neglectful.

But has it really been two years?

I’m fairly ancient now.

Dadblameit.

ALRIGHT

Up to this point, I haven’t been honest.

At all.

You may be wondering where is the lie and where is the truth.

Mr. Truth walked out on me a long time ago, and it’s all be lies ever since.

And Mr. Lie (the girl above) has taken Mr. Truth’s place.

For years, I have lied to myself that I’m posting on this blog.

For years, I have lied to myself that I’m young and courageous.

For years, I have lied to myself…just in general.

What is the moral to this tale, you may ask?

It’s simple…when you stop to give it a think or two.

You mustn’t let Mr. Truth walk out on you.

Thank you.

60 Responses to “IT’S ALL LIES”

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1 kalabalu June 16, 2021 at 13:44

What a delightful delicious conversation.

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2 Ahdiye27 March 28, 2020 at 20:22

Professor! If you paint your fingernails red then you’ll be exactly like Penn Jillette haha😂

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- 3 Professor VJ Duke April 30, 2020 at 16:51
  
  I can paint my finger nails you know!
  
  Reply
4 Bethy March 12, 2020 at 21:42

I couldn’t agree more!!

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- 5 Professor VJ Duke March 27, 2020 at 20:47
  
  BETHY HI!!!
  
  Reply
  - 6 Bethy March 27, 2020 at 20:48
    
    How goes the World wide pandemic?? I am sure you had some planning in this …or someone you know did 😂
  - 7 Professor VJ Duke March 27, 2020 at 20:54
    
    Well, I”m not allowed to talk about it. I tried to stop it but everyone hated on me so it just happened, I’m sad to say. How’ve you been?
  - 8 Bethy March 27, 2020 at 22:04
    
    That sounds about right. I have been a little happy, a little sad, a lot tired, and a little busy with normal life stuff. Fairly normal stuff I believe! How have you been Professor?
  - 9 Professor VJ Duke April 30, 2020 at 16:50
    
    Yeah. Same. But I’m getting cranky now
10 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister March 4, 2020 at 03:49

Glad you’re finally admitting to all those lies. I can’t keep them straight anyway, so best to light a fire in the middle of’em.
Good to see you’ve grown up a bit since last week and some, Duketh.

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- 11 Professor VJ Duke March 5, 2020 at 01:10
  
  Audith!!!!!! How’ve you been? Does that mean I can’t lie anymore?
  
  Reply
  - 12 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister April 20, 2020 at 02:52
    
    Nope. Not at all.
  - 13 Professor VJ Duke April 30, 2020 at 16:52
    
    You know, I’d like to destroy COVID
  - 14 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister April 30, 2020 at 18:48
    
    Get to it, Duketh.
15 Debbie March 3, 2020 at 14:56

‘Twas a delight to find your comment on my blog this morning and to realize you are indeed alive and kicking! Has it really been TWO YEARS?! You must catch us up on your doings — but oh, how I pity you trying to catch up on TWO YEARS of posts from us, heehee!!

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- 16 Professor VJ Duke March 5, 2020 at 01:10
  
  I have 5000 emails in my inbox!! Debbie, what do I do!!!!!!!!!!! It’s nice to see you guys again. Were you disconcerted when you realized I was back? I am.
  
  Reply
  - 17 Debbie March 5, 2020 at 16:43
    
    Nope, we all take breaks now and then. I need one soon, I’m afraid.
  - 18 Professor VJ Duke March 6, 2020 at 00:36
    
    But you can’t now that I’m coming back! How dare you. My family built this country.
19 cherry2727 March 3, 2020 at 08:28

heyyy professor !!!! i’m new here but i love your blog !! welcome back :::)))

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- 20 Professor VJ Duke March 5, 2020 at 01:09
  
  Welcome, welcome! You know, cherry is my favorite thingy flavor. Also I just posted for the first time in 2 years.
  
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  - 21 Ahdiye27 March 5, 2020 at 05:37
    
    idk know why but We’ve got a lot in common that’s why i’m here! btw i’m Ahdiye:))
  - 22 Professor VJ Duke March 6, 2020 at 00:35
    
    very nice to meet you! I’m PVJ. Or George, as they call me.
23 Haylee March 3, 2020 at 07:15

Lies, Professors and picks… Oh my!

This was an inbox arrival when I woke up, which was a nice surprise. And the tags to your post…

Intriguing.

Instrument related or your list of the most desirable 2-piece swimwear of 2020?

I do hope you’ve eaten.

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- 24 Professor VJ Duke March 5, 2020 at 01:08
  
  You know, the tags are really weird, aren’t they? My mind was bouncing off the walls last night. But I do have that kind of a pick, let me tell you.
  
  As if the professor would wear a bikini, how dare you! It’s instrument related, of course. Hahaha. Maybe I should get a bikini now that I think on it…
  
  Reply
  - 25 Haylee March 5, 2020 at 22:27
    
    I feel it would be a one-piece ‘mankini’, that would be worn with a hat. And there would be feathers!
  - 26 Professor VJ Duke March 6, 2020 at 00:36
    
    Do you think robin hood had feathers in his hat?
  - 27 Haylee March 6, 2020 at 16:58
    
    Absolutely! Him and Dick Turpin.
  - 28 Professor VJ Duke March 27, 2020 at 20:46
    
    Dick Turpin…that sounds like a make of glue
  - 29 Haylee March 27, 2020 at 22:07
    
    He’s a famous highwayman!!
    Stand and deliver, your money or your life… (or maybe wife, I’m never quite certain of the wording!)
  - 30 Professor VJ Duke April 30, 2020 at 16:51
    
    Isn’t Robin hood the most famous highwayman?
  - 31 Haylee April 30, 2020 at 16:59
    
    Is he a highwayman? I don’t think they had highways back then. Just a scoundrel and a vagabond. Turpin is very famous round these parts. Look him up, there are songs about him!
32 FictionFan March 3, 2020 at 07:04

Good grief! Look at the dust in here! And the cobwebs – urghhh! (There better not be spiders or I shall get very grumpy.) Aha – I see what happened! A wicked fairy put you in an enchanted sleep and you’ve been waiting all this time for a magical kiss to release you. Tchah! You can never find a frog when you need one!

Anyway, I’m very glad you’re alive and back and all that stuff, but let’s get to the important info – HOW’S MY SCHWARZY??? 😍

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- 33 Professor VJ Duke March 5, 2020 at 01:07
  
  FEFEFEFEFEFEF! But to be honest, I never dusted, you know. It was just more lively dust back in the day when everyone was moving about. Spiders….wait I know how to say that in Italian…or at least I did yesterday. hahahaahahahhaha…A kiss? I’d rather not have one of those by a frog, you know.
  
  Well, have you asked him out yet?
  
  Reply
  - 34 FictionFan March 5, 2020 at 07:43
    
    Say it in Italian! But it would be a magical frog – it might turn into a beautiful princess when it kisses you! Of course, there’s an equal chance you’d turn into a handsome frog, but that wouldn’t be so bad – OK, you’d be green and slimy but think how high you could jump!
    
    *simpers* No, I’m waiting for him to ask me…
  - 35 Professor VJ Duke March 6, 2020 at 00:35
    
    Can’t a flea jump higher than a frog tho? I’d rather be a slimy flea. Or maybe a kangaroo with knives.
    
    I think you should ask him. He’s been a bit forgetful lately.
  - 36 FictionFan March 6, 2020 at 08:49
    
    Interesting question – I think you should set up a contest! No, kangaroos would be rubbish with knives – their wee short arms would mean they could never reach their enemies. They’d need lances!
    
    Huh! Why should I do all the work?? Men!!! *flounces off*
  - 37 Professor VJ Duke March 27, 2020 at 20:46
    
    Alright. I think we should have a jousting tournament for Schwarz and all the ladies that want him. Wait. Is there a “t” in Schwarz? Like this: Schwartz. I can’t remember.
  - 38 FictionFan March 29, 2020 at 01:03
    
    *gulps* I can’t remember either – ask him! Wait a minute! Do you mean there are other women trying to steal my Schwar(t)zy??? How dare they! I shall be ready for the tournament just as soon as I can figure out how to put this suit of armour on…
  - 39 Professor VJ Duke April 30, 2020 at 16:51
    
    You don’t need armour! *hands FEF a blowtorch*
40 walt walker March 3, 2020 at 03:16

Thank goodness your back. You’ve no idea what I’ve been through the last two years, guarding your blog.

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- 41 Professor VJ Duke March 5, 2020 at 01:06
  
  Were there lots of hooligans about? Also, it took me forever to remember how to answer comments. Is that a bad sign, do you suppose?
  
  Reply
  - 42 walt walker March 5, 2020 at 01:22
    
    Hooligans, vandals, and ne’er-do-wells of all sorts. I was nearly vanquished.
    
    Nah. It’s nothing like riding a bike, answering comments.
  - 43 Professor VJ Duke March 6, 2020 at 00:34
    
    Wait. Did you have to use your awesome great sword to vanquish the enemies from the throat of the earth? (if you did, I probably should repay you in rubies)
  - 44 walt walker March 6, 2020 at 04:58
    
    No, I forgot to bring it. No matter, I had more fearsome weapons *kisses left bicep, then right bicep* Plus, our friend came by every now and again. I daresay he rescued me a time or more.
  - 45 Professor VJ Duke March 27, 2020 at 20:45
    
    Omg. You mean the great Dick Hercules?!
46 John W. Howell March 3, 2020 at 01:46

PROFESSOR!!!!! How lovely to see you upright and taking nourishment. We have all missed you, and are older too. You must tell us about your adventures. ( f there are none make some up)

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- 47 FictionFan March 3, 2020 at 07:06
  
  I am NOT older! If anything, I’m younger! *slaps on extra wrinkle cream*
  
  Reply
  - 48 John W. Howell March 3, 2020 at 13:42
    
    Hahahaha. Thanks. I must say that cream certainly makes your hands look younger. 😁
  - 49 Professor VJ Duke March 5, 2020 at 01:09
    
    How about my hands?
  - 50 John W. Howell March 5, 2020 at 02:04
    
    Need to get a manicure.
  - 51 Professor VJ Duke March 6, 2020 at 00:34
    
    What is a manicure
  - 52 John W. Howell March 6, 2020 at 01:22
    
    A mandible treatment to make your finger nails look pretty.
  - 53 Professor VJ Duke March 27, 2020 at 20:45
    
    I would paint my fingernails red.
  - 54 John W. Howell March 27, 2020 at 21:57
    
    Sounds like a good idea.
  - 55 Professor VJ Duke April 30, 2020 at 16:50
    
    I’m usually full of them
  - 56 John W. Howell April 30, 2020 at 19:21
    
    Full of a lot of stuff.
- 57 Professor VJ Duke March 5, 2020 at 01:05
  
  Haha HI JOHN!!! There are def some rad adventures. I nearly survived a man-eating spider mongrel, just last month. But how have you been?
  
  Reply
  - 58 John W. Howell March 5, 2020 at 02:05
    
    Just swell. Thank you for asking. I glad you nearly survived. Tot toally survive would not be worth the story. Which part didn’t make it?
  - 59 Professor VJ Duke March 6, 2020 at 00:34
    
    Well, here’s the thing: I almost died jumping off a cliff into water. The water went up my nose along with the little bacteria dudes.
  - 60 John W. Howell March 6, 2020 at 01:21
    
    Yeah that sounds bad.