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The professor Fights

“Look here,” I said, and I must admit my frustration was growing lots and lots, “I’d like to rent this book.”

“Can’t,” she said.

“Why?”

“Because this particular book only has the buy option.”

This professor was standing in a bookstore on a college campus. Let me tell you now–like right now–college books are very expensive. And renting college books is expensive.

Just a little less expensive.

So, I tried from a different angle.

“Check this out, the sudden,” I said, “this book is called ‘The Life, Death & In-Between Space of Dr. Lewis Dayton Clark.'”

“So?” And she pursed her purple lips together (I don’t think they were natural, mind) and put her hands on her hips.

“So,” I concluded, “it follows that no one wants to buy a book about the in-between space of Dr. Lewis Dayton Clark. Therefore, it must be available only to rent.”

There were a few chaps that started to laugh behind me.

The girl pointed a finger in my direction. “You have an attitude. I’m getting the manager.”

And she flounced off.

I left, of course. With the book.

But I ran into the manager and the girl outside.

The manager chap, I must say, was a bit puffy and fat. He was eating something. Must’ve been interrupted. He was cranky, too. Red cheeks, see.

“YOU!” he bellowed. “You’re not allowed to rent that book!”

And he tried to snatch it from my hands.

But this professor being quicker than a snake swimming around in an ice pond, snatched it away before he could gain possession of it.

Check it out! Snake on an ice pond. See, kids, I DO NOT make this stuff up.

Check it out! Snake on an ice pond. See, kids, I DO NOT make this stuff up.

“Look here,” I said, “look here right now, you puffy, ignorant Yucketh!”

That took him–and her–aback.

“I happen to be a professor. The professor. I told my students they could rent this book. And you…YOU! You dare?! I shall turn you both in to the Union at once.”

So, that’s when everything went downhill.

They didn’t exactly buy my story and I didn’t exactly buy the book.

#Won/Lost

Introducing my new spirit animal!

5366157677_d38db97722_b

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Classroom Mayhem

“So…”–gigantic, and I mean huge, pause for emphasis here–“how do we know what we know?”

The question hung in the air, and this professor, for one, would’ve left it hanging there (probably indefinitely) but an elderly chap sitting next to me raised his hand and spoke up.

He said something full of dadblamery, so I had to raise my hand and say:

“We know what we know because we know it.”

A just answer. Maybe a bit oblique, but then again, so was the question. I leaned back like a conqueror, thinking that I had won, and that it was over.

But a war was coming.

The chap teaching the class shook his head.

“No, no, you can’t answer that way,” he said. “They were the words I used in my question.”

“Quite right,” I said, “that’s why I rearranged them for my answer.”

“No.” He was a bit stern here, I must admit. Hands on hips, chin jutting out in my direction like a stag beetle with it’s great big jaws. “You don’t get it.”

Stag Beetle with its awesome jaws.

Stag Beetle with its awesome jaws.

“Oh I get it.”

Of course, this professor didn’t mean to be spicy at all, but the other students laughed here a bit, bits, and little bits.

“You. Don’t. Get It,” he repeated. “I want you to use your own words to answer the question.”

And then this professor spied something on his shoulder, and I knew I’d won.

“They became my own words once I rearranged them, see. And furthermore, double see, is that a hornet on your shoulder?”

He screamed, everyone laughed, and this professor–shiny, cunning beast that he is–won.

#conqueror 

Apples Are Bad for You…BUT Good for Dentists

Screen Shot 2016-06-26 at 3.33.32 PM

Apples are hard to bite into.

This is a fact, see.

And today, ladies and you other things, I bring you a truth:

Apples are a conspiracy theory.

How, you ask?

Simple.

Apples are grown from the earth.

Red_Apple

That makes them natural, you say.

Natural is healthy.

Wrong.

Uranium is natural, too.

These bacteria like it, apparently. Why does everything have to contradict me?

These bacteria like it, apparently. Why does everything have to contradict me?

Dang it. This cartoon is obviously a fake.

GL10

Pay it no mind.

Anyways and a bit…

…where wuth I?

Oh yes.

Apples are part of a conspiracy theory.

A conspiracy theory that revolves around dentists.

Dentist Holding Dental Tools

Blackheart

You see, Doctors and Dentists got together to fool the public.

“An apple a day keeps the doctor away,” they say.

It might be true. But an apple a day, keeps the dentist close.

See, Dentists like to make money.

And they make lots of money when teeth get busted.

Teeth get busted on apples.

‘Cause apples are so hard.

But no one would eat apples, mind. (This was millions of years ago, mind. When man had strong teeth. And tiny brain.)

So, Doctors convinced everyone that apples were good for the health. (Maybe a lie, maybe not.)

People started eating and eating and eating apples.

Teeth got weaker over generations.

Dentists cashed in.

That, ladies and gentleman, is the conspiracy theory behind apples.

Eat them not.

The only scary part is this: What did the Doctors get out of the deal?

We’ve yet to find out.

Professorish Theory: Apples are part of a conspiracy designed by Doctors and Dentists to earn more profits.

Check this out: This fellow wants to start lions eating apples next.

MainCecilKiller_0

After all, the more profit the more profit.

Oh, and…

My new spirit animal:

Japanese-Giant-Hornet

The Truth Behind “Fellows”

Screen Shot 2016-06-26 at 3.33.32 PMSo, I must needs make a cultural statement.

Yes, I know: This happens all the time.

But it’s a necessity.

Professors must do things like this–in order to remain professor, you understand.

Of course you do.

Many so’s, lately, I’ve come under flack–

These things give off flack, I hear.

These things give off flack, I hear.

–for using the word: fellow & fellows.

Yes, this is true.

Ah, the life of me.

So-ness, this is the thing I must say, and I must say it. (Sorta like an announcement even.)

Fellow can be used to refer to this:

o-MAN-BUN-facebook

As well as this:

Unknown-1

And this:

916e09b7-how-do-you-do-fellow-avengersg

Even this:

images-1

But not this:

That's IronMan, see.

That’s IronMan, see.

Anyways and some, the point is this:

Fellows can be used interchangeably. It’s not sexist, age-ist, or anything-ist.

Professor Theory

Now a Professor Scientific Law.

In a Coffee Shop

professor speaksSo, yes, this professor went in one.

Just because, mind you.

I wanted a tea.

Some sort of green tea, in fact.

Coffee places should have such things, I reasoned. After all, what’s the difference between tea and coffee, I further reasoned. One is a leaf, the other is a bean.

Very close.

They practically look like twins.

They practically look like twins.

Anyways, walked through the front door, I did.

No, I’m not trying to be like Yoda.

4755912-3856316775-38217

Who actually, interestingly enough, now that you brought it up, blamed this Jedi Temple massacre on the dangerous blue lightsaber, instead of the Sith behind it.

Not to say Sith are bad.

plur2wc

Anyways and some more…where wuth I?

Oh yes, so I went in the store.

“Hello there,” I said.

I got in line, see.

And since I made it through the door before the stampede, I was first in line.

#Win

“What’ll you have?”

“Some sort of tea, I think.”

There was a pause times a half a pause.

“Yes…?” she prompted.

“What kind do you have?”

Rude gesture: Her thumb went up to the menu behind her.

“No good,” I said, “too confusing, see. What sorts of green tea do you have?”

“We’re a coffee place.”

“But aren’t coffee and tea related?”

She made a face. “Who told you that?”

“Some close relative, now that I think on it.”

“The point is that’s ridiculous.”

“That you don’t have green tea?”

She sighed. “I never said that. But since we’re a coffee house, we only have one type of green tea. Would you like it?”

“What sort of green tea is it?”

“It’s green tea.”

“Yes, but you said it was a type.”

A few exasperated sighs here. “Yes, that’s right, it’s a certain kind of green tea. There’s different kinds.”

“What kind do you have?”

That got her real cranky.

“Look, do you want it or not?”

“You know what, I think I’ll pass.”

And I left.

I just wasn’t feeling it.

Moral: Know what you want before you ask for it.

Aw. Gee. Thank you. Compliments are welcome, no matter who from!

Aw. Gee. Thank you. Compliments are always welcome, no matter what the sort!


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