So Cold…I Lied

professor speaks

The professor put on a t-shirt, then a dress shirt, then a sweater vest, then a velvet jacket.

I did this ’cause it was sorta cold out, you know.

And like Scrooge says, garments were invented to protect against cold.


Though I sorta doubt this, the sudden. See, the garments didn’t do too much to protect against the cold, I felt. Then again, I’m sure it was better than nothing.

See? Every story has two sides. I persuade myself freely from side to side, depending on my mood at the hour, minute, or even second.

Anyways and a sum of half the total, this professor was on the march through a college campus.

It was lightly snowing and quite gray outside, see.

I hear that muscles shiver to protect against the cold. You know, they sorta shiver to build up heat. This is wrong of them. If they didn’t shiver, I wouldn’t be cold. See, shivering causes my coldness.

This is a fact.

Then I ran into a group of students, I think.

“Where are you going?” one asked.

Sorta brazen, I thought.

“Too far in this weather,” I answered.


“Yeah, where?” another joined in.

I find that when you’re getting asked lots and lots of questions, the best thing to do is talk lots and lots. This stops your attacker from asking more questions.

But don’t you know, at that exact moment, my mouth was too cold to move much.

Dadblame the weather.

“What’s in the bag?” one of the girls asked.

And I was carrying a bag.

Okay, it didn't look like this, obviously. But this is what came up first for secret bag...let me have another locketh...

Okay, it didn’t look like this, obviously. But this is what came up first for secret bag…let me have another locketh…

This isn't right either. I assure you.

This isn’t right either. I assure you.

Aha! This is something like what I was carrying.

Aha! This is something like what I was carrying.

So, what was in the bag?

“Enough dynamite to blow up your college, I fear.”

That fetched them.

They were off in a jiffy–which I hear is a tenth of a second.

And this professor was alone again.

Few seconds later, a police car sorta pulled up.

Lesson: Don’t make up dangerous lies.

Moral: If you lie, make sure everyone knows it’s a lie.

Rats and a Heifer.

I’ve decided I lied because I was so cold.




94 Responses to “So Cold…I Lied”

  1. 1 That Tiny Giant May 16, 2016 at 19:04

    I’m dying. Professor needs a pink bag! Loool

    • 2 Professor VJ Duke May 17, 2016 at 12:43

      Pink?! But then I’d look like a girl.

      • 3 That Tiny Giant May 17, 2016 at 19:11

        That’s the point!

      • 4 Professor VJ Duke May 18, 2016 at 13:13

        I happen to be the most ugly, vicious, and mean warrior of all time, mind you!

  2. 5 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister April 15, 2016 at 15:02

    You really can be incredibly vicious. We all know you had cats in your bag.

    • 6 Professor VJ Duke April 18, 2016 at 12:31

      Cats? Like bobcat cats?

      • 7 Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister April 19, 2016 at 18:52

        The machine or the animal?

      • 8 Professor VJ Duke April 20, 2016 at 12:44

        Ooo, the animal, of course!

  3. 9 Sonya Solomonovich April 15, 2016 at 11:36

    That third bag does look appropriate for a warrior. You could have said that the bag was full of dirty laundry and thus got rid of them. Was there really dynamite in it?

    • 10 Professor VJ Duke April 15, 2016 at 13:06

      Well…well…will you turn me in if I tell you?

      • 11 Sonya Solomonovich April 19, 2016 at 15:59

        Of course I wouldn’t turn you in.

      • 12 Professor VJ Duke April 20, 2016 at 12:36

        There was maybe one stick. But that’s all, of course. I’m a reasonable professor.

  4. 13 walt walker April 15, 2016 at 00:40

    Hmmm. The dynamite line might have been a mis-step, Old Sport. We’ll see how it plays out. And to be honest, the pink and black number might look best with your ensemble.

    • 14 Professor VJ Duke April 15, 2016 at 13:05

      But Walt. How can I wear pink and still hold my head up?

      • 15 walt walker April 15, 2016 at 17:29

        Hold your head up first, like, before you wear the pink. You’ve got it in the wrong order, see.

      • 16 Professor VJ Duke April 18, 2016 at 12:42

        Hm. I can see that. But…but…but…still!

  5. 17 Simply Skeptical April 14, 2016 at 23:00

    I fear you may of the evasive sort Professor…. Shivering is good for you then.

    • 18 Professor VJ Duke April 15, 2016 at 13:05

      I might be a bit evasive. Shivering good? Why…why…grr.

  6. 19 John W. Howell April 14, 2016 at 22:30

    Ha ha ha. Enjoyed this. I think your response to the kids was perfect. Too bad about the police.

    • 20 Professor VJ Duke April 15, 2016 at 13:05

      *bows* Why thank you muches. Can you believe they took it seriously? *rampages*

      • 21 John W. Howell April 15, 2016 at 13:12

        I think if I saw you with a duffle and you declared it full of explosives I would take your seriously as well.

      • 22 Professor VJ Duke April 18, 2016 at 12:26

        You might even tackle me.

  7. 23 Jackie April 14, 2016 at 21:12

    Oh dear Professor! It seems you manage to find trouble no matter where you go.

    • 24 Professor VJ Duke April 15, 2016 at 13:04

      Do you suppose it’s a gift or curse?

      • 25 Jackie April 15, 2016 at 15:21

        I think it is both!

      • 26 Professor VJ Duke April 18, 2016 at 12:33

        Awesome. The best gift is a curse.

      • 27 Jackie April 18, 2016 at 13:59

        A curse is sometimes a blessing in disguise.

      • 28 Professor VJ Duke April 19, 2016 at 12:55

        Disguises are awful.Unless I’m wearing them, see.

      • 29 Jackie April 19, 2016 at 13:26

        I understand.

      • 30 Professor VJ Duke April 20, 2016 at 12:26

        Then I feel more spy-like.

      • 31 Jackie April 20, 2016 at 12:41

        That makes sense!

      • 32 Professor VJ Duke April 20, 2016 at 12:51

        Haha. *bows*

  8. 33 Susan P April 14, 2016 at 19:10


    • 34 Professor VJ Duke April 15, 2016 at 13:04

      There’s so many, I might break one here and there.

  9. 35 L. Marie April 14, 2016 at 17:41

    Well, I hope the police will go easy on you. You can always lie about the lie you told. Perhaps the students were so cold, they misheard?

    • 36 Professor VJ Duke April 15, 2016 at 13:03

      Yes, yes. Their ears were freezing off. Who can hear when your ears are freezing off?

  10. 37 Heartafire April 14, 2016 at 17:29

    Professor, I’ve decided to seek professional help. Care to join me? Velvet? Please!

    • 38 Professor VJ Duke April 15, 2016 at 13:01

      *laughs* Do you think I need it? Okay, let’s go. *gives Hollie the velvet jacket*

      • 39 Heartafire April 15, 2016 at 13:07

        The first step to sobriety! yay! :D Puts on velvet jacket, so proud.

      • 40 Professor VJ Duke April 18, 2016 at 12:26

        Does that mean I get a cupcake?

      • 41 Heartafire April 18, 2016 at 13:53

        You need some kind of positive reinforcement, a cupcake seem good.

      • 42 Professor VJ Duke April 19, 2016 at 12:55

        Cherry cupcake?

  11. 43 desertdweller29 April 14, 2016 at 15:48

    I think you’re lying about the bag you carried, too, Professor. I believe the second choice (teddy rolling backpack) was what you were really carting around. That’s very suspicious indeed. I’d have stopped you too!

    • 44 Professor VJ Duke April 15, 2016 at 12:58

      *gulp* Now why would you think that? Plus, how could I have ended up with a bag like that?

      • 45 desertdweller29 April 15, 2016 at 14:13

        You thieved it of course! *suspicious eyes*

      • 46 Professor VJ Duke April 18, 2016 at 12:30

        I’m better than Aladdin at thieving, you know.

  12. 47 Haylee April 14, 2016 at 15:36

    Velvet was a bad move in snow, layers or not.
    You need to grow your hair to prevent the cold – mine works wonders as a dual scarf and earmuff combination! Although, I find if my nose is cold, nothing can warm me up. We need to invent stylish nose heaters!
    Next time, just tell them it’s a cat and you can’t let it out… ;)

    • 48 Professor VJ Duke April 15, 2016 at 12:58

      A nose heater! You could wear one of those bank-robbing masks, you know. That might be the ticket. I’m never wearing velvet again. Yucketh. Where was I? Oh yes. Long hair. I can’t do that!

      Good idea! Brilliant. You’re full of brilliant ideas.

      • 49 Haylee April 15, 2016 at 13:22

        Well, thank you. I must be having a good day then – my ideas are usually crackpot and/or useless! You could always sport a man bun when it gets too much, I hear they’re the thing now. You shouldn’t give up on velvet altogether though, it can be quite dashing in the right environment. Or eccentric, depends on the accessories I feel. Man bun + velvet = #stylegoals

      • 50 Professor VJ Duke April 18, 2016 at 12:27

        *laughs* Man bun is a big thing! What’s with that, tho? I’m sure the girls hate it.

      • 51 Haylee April 18, 2016 at 12:37

        They can’t all hate it, there must be some reason for the popularity. Personally, I don’t think I’d like having to fight for a hairbrush – there’s only enough room for one head of unruly hair in a relationship!

      • 52 Professor VJ Duke April 18, 2016 at 12:49

        *laughs* Well…maybe women will start cutting it all off? You know, like chaps do now. The professor should just get a wig! What about that?

      • 53 Haylee April 18, 2016 at 12:55

        Oh, a toupée is much more ‘professorial’!

      • 54 Professor VJ Duke April 19, 2016 at 12:52

        A toupee. I think you make half these things up, you know.

      • 55 Haylee April 19, 2016 at 14:08

        It’s a real thing! Check your list of requirements in the professors’ handbook you should have received: Monocle, tweed waistcoat, toupee (optional) and a cane…

      • 56 Professor VJ Duke April 20, 2016 at 12:30

        *laughs* Can it be a sword can, pretty pleases?

      • 57 Haylee April 20, 2016 at 13:35

        I wouldn’t expect it to be anything less!

      • 58 Professor VJ Duke April 21, 2016 at 13:02

        Oh goody. Make sure it’s so sharp, I could cut cloth with it, you know?

  13. 59 Freakishly Fangirlish April 14, 2016 at 14:50

    Oh goodness! I am never letting you come to my campus! :D

    • 60 Professor VJ Duke April 15, 2016 at 12:57

      Just for one speech, pretty please?

      • 61 Freakishly Fangirlish April 15, 2016 at 13:42


      • 62 Professor VJ Duke April 18, 2016 at 12:28

        It’ll be like…Mark Twain?

  14. 63 PorterGirl April 14, 2016 at 14:36

    Well that does sound like quite the dashing outfit, Professor. I am surprised it didn’t keep the cold out but maybe the cold was already within.

    • 64 Professor VJ Duke April 15, 2016 at 12:57

      You know, I think you may have something there. Like the Wendigo. Doesn’t he have a frozen heart?

      • 65 PorterGirl April 16, 2016 at 07:48

        Perhaps he needs a vacation somewhere hot!

      • 66 Professor VJ Duke April 18, 2016 at 12:45

        Like in the Caribbean with the pirates for instance.

      • 67 PorterGirl April 18, 2016 at 13:14

        Pirates make great hosts. I should advise that at once.

      • 68 Professor VJ Duke April 19, 2016 at 12:54

        Pirates are the best. I think they are, at least. Captain Bootleg was.

      • 69 PorterGirl April 19, 2016 at 13:23

        It’s always a toss up between pirates and vikings for me but pirates have more swagger about themselves, I say. He sounds like a fine fellow – did he have a beard, do you suppose?

      • 70 Professor VJ Duke April 20, 2016 at 12:25

        I bet so. Maybe just a little one. But still, that counts. Vikings are awesome, too. Hard decision there.

      • 71 PorterGirl April 20, 2016 at 12:27

        It’s these kind of tough decisions that make us into the men we are, Professor. Well – obviously I won’t be made into a man. I’m not a reverse Bruce Jenner.

      • 72 Professor VJ Duke April 20, 2016 at 12:49

        *laughing* A reverse Bruce Jenner! He’s trying to be both, see.

      • 73 PorterGirl April 20, 2016 at 13:23

        I don’t know why I even brought him up. I am in quite the vicious mood this afternoon, I think.

      • 74 Professor VJ Duke April 21, 2016 at 13:01

        *laughs* Do you ever feel like you want to drop a bomb on the world?

      • 75 PorterGirl April 22, 2016 at 07:43

        Only about four times a week.

      • 76 Professor VJ Duke April 25, 2016 at 13:35

        That’s me a day, haha.

      • 77 PorterGirl April 25, 2016 at 14:02

        Haha! I can’t say I blame you.

      • 78 Professor VJ Duke April 26, 2016 at 13:20

        I’m such a violent beast.

      • 79 PorterGirl April 26, 2016 at 13:25

        Only on a day with a ‘Y’ in it.

      • 80 Professor VJ Duke April 26, 2016 at 13:37

        Hahahaha. I like that. Hm. Very good.

  15. 81 Debbie April 14, 2016 at 14:31

    Professor, I’d have thought you’d be toasty in all those layers, but perhaps a coat would have served you better. Domer says men’s coats look “dumb,” so what do I know? I guess he freezes the same as you do, in an effort to look “cool.” (Make that, COLD!!)

    If you’d been toting that middle bag, you probably wouldn’t have had dealings with the police. They’d have just picked you up and hauled you off to the funny farm! Gee, did those students think you looked like a bomber in your fancy velvet jacket?? Rats and a Heifer, indeed!

    • 82 Professor VJ Duke April 15, 2016 at 12:56

      Haha. He’s right! Who wants to wear a coat? Then you sorta look like a huge rolly-polly sort of thing. No coats, see. Cool is better than be warm. Wait. Something like that.

      I should’ve body slammed them all, huh? Funny Farm. I wonder what it’s like there. Probably scary.

  16. 83 FictionFan April 14, 2016 at 14:11

    I swooned so badly at the velvet jacket bit, I nearly missed the rest! Tuppence had to throw a jug of cold water over me! For which I hold you wholly responsible… *glowers vengefully and damply*

    Well, you see, you should have worn a kilt and matching plaid – then your knees would have done all the shivering for you! Or you could have worn a deerstalker to keep the Professorial ears warm and to stop stuff escaping from your head… *thinks about that one, but decides to leave it* You should definitely go for the middle bag next time…

    *sighs and shakes head* Jail again! They’ll be charging you rent soon…

    • 84 Professor VJ Duke April 15, 2016 at 12:54

      Cold water? I do apologize for that. It must’ve been cold. I hate cold water. Unless it’s hot outside. If it’s hot outside I don’t mind cold water, you know. Velvet is so important looking. It’s hilarious.

      I did have this hat on. But I forget what it’s called. It’s black and has a funny shape. You know? It’s black. And it’s got a funny shape. Yes, that’s it. Things don’t escape from my ears! I keep all my info locked away and protected lots and lots.

      They already do. Bust me out?

      • 85 FictionFan April 15, 2016 at 17:22

        It’s not hot outside! *growls* I adore velvet – have I mentioned that? It’s soooooo tactile! It’s like having a cat without the scratching and the smells! It may be my top favourite fabric. Better not wear it while that matchmaker’s around – the girls will not be able to resist… *swoons again* No, Tuppence!! Not again!! *sploshes disconsolately away*

        Ah! A sombrero! #cool But do you remember where you put the key?

        Again?? This is becoming a full-time job! Can’t you use the same tunnel as I dug last time? This plays havoc with my nails, you know, you know…

      • 86 Professor VJ Duke April 18, 2016 at 12:42

        *looks at sunburn* Yes, it is! You should enjoy some cold water. Velvet is rather nice. It’s not itchy, which is a plus. But…but…but…it’s…like…well…it’s all posh, you know. And vicious looking. *confused* *laughing lots and lots* Tuppence is having such fun. This is great.

        Was not! I’ve never worn one of those. Alas, no. I always lose the keys.

        But imagine how good it is for your arms and upper body strength! #cool

      • 87 FictionFan April 18, 2016 at 16:42

        The sun shone today! It was so exciting! It’s gone again now though. Velvet is super-sophisticated – real class! Especially black velvet… *eyes Tuppence warily*

        A beret then!

        Do I strike you as the type of person who desires arms like Rafa and a torso like Taylor Kitsch?

      • 88 Professor VJ Duke April 19, 2016 at 13:01

        It’s been sunny here! I’ve even got a bit sunburnt. Yup. I have. Haha. When we meet I’m going to bring a squirt gun since you like it so much.

        Isn’t that a gun?

        Abs. Abs like Taylor Kitsch, you mean. Must get these words right, FEF. Umm…no, probably not. But women don’t get that sort of muscle, do they?

      • 89 FictionFan April 19, 2016 at 16:17

        Don’t forget the sunscreen! Pretty pink nose – yummy. Bright red nose – clown. *laughs* Bring two and we can have a battle – or hunt Tuppence!! *eyes gleam*

        Oh, pleeeeeease don’t start wearing guns on your head!

        *laughs* I’ve never seen the point of learning the names of things I never use… *gasps* Only because we have more important stuff to do!! *cuts cake*

      • 90 Professor VJ Duke April 20, 2016 at 12:40

        Hahahaha. My arms got it, actually. Nose, reported just fine. Hunt Tuppence! I’m on for that. Cats love playing water games, I find.

        Not even under a hat?

        But you use them all the time! You just don’t realize it, see. Uh-huh. *firm believer in cake once a year*

      • 91 FictionFan April 20, 2016 at 19:55

        So glad! One should always take care of one’s nose! It comes in so useful from time to time. *laughs* Do they? I shall throw a bucket of water over them then, and tell them you told me to do it…

        You’d need a little gun turret sticking out the top…

        Once a year?!? *faints*

      • 92 Professor VJ Duke April 21, 2016 at 13:30

        Well, it does lots, I suppose. Especially for smelling the carrion flowers you’re going to put in your new flowerpot. How cool is that?! Well, yes, blame me. I get blamed for everything anymore. I’m quite used to it. And adept at it.

        That’d be awesome! I’d control it, too, with a remote in my hand. I’d be fierce, then. But I’m Pharaoh now, so…


      • 93 FictionFan April 21, 2016 at 16:17

        Ooh, you can’t put your nose near them! Not without a crusader helmet on, anyway! Well, that’s probably just ‘cos everything’s your fault! *nods decidedly*

        You’d need mirrors attached to the sides of your hat too so you could see the enemy sneaking up on you from behind! *laughs* Just so as you know, I pointblank refuse to be a wench!

        So cruel!!

      • 94 Professor VJ Duke April 25, 2016 at 13:29

        Oh no. I bet I could take a whiff without the helmet, the sudden. But maybe only one. Everything can’t be my fault, dadblameit! Then again. I usually do cause lots of stuff, haha.

        *laughing* I’ll get a bunch of Anubites to fan me, then. I’m not particular, see.

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Depends on the day, see.

Punchy Argot:

1. Dadblameit.
2. Humdinger
3. Chickit
4. Chicky-woot-woot
5. Malediction
6. Rapscallion
7. Gardoobled
8. Congratulilolations
9. Togoggin
10. Gargonic
11. Two and Five Gurgles
12. Rats and a Heifer
13. Two nods, a wink, and an astroid
14. A bit, bits, and little bits
15. Huff-Hum and a Roar
16. So many thanks, I can't begin to thank you
17. Ri-do-diculous


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