Posts Tagged 'Yes'

Things go South

Sometimes, the best way to end things, is to initiate them.

~ V. Shnodgrate, Renowned PL Poet

UntitledSo, the professor was in the lodge, surrounded by all these evil people with guns.

And Count Mastoid was there.

“Take off his mask,” Count Mastoid repeated.

He was talking about me, of course. This professor had an epic spy mask on.

But no one was making a move.

So, the professor, being the genial fellow he is (usually), I took it off.

“Who are you?” the count asked.

“I’m Professor VJ Duke, of course,” I said. Straight up. Honest. My goals in life.

That puzzled him right up the middle for a second or two.

“Why do you want to kill me?”

Time to epic obfuscate. I looked about at all the men with guns surrounding me. “Doesn’t seem like I’m the one trying to kill anyone, you know.”

He didn’t buy it. “You know what I mean.”

Now it was time to tell a few little lies.

Here’s the thing, see, a little lie plus another little lie, doesn’t really equal a big, fat lie. Rather, they equal two little lies. Don’t ask me why. It’s just how lies function in mathematics. #thisiskindatruebtw

Anyways and some, this professor said:

“I didn’t want to kill you, of many courses. I was just…” And I trailed off.

How do you explain the fact that you were walking around like this–

ffd918d6982efe5d55ed9aabbfe5187c

–in a vacationing destination.

“He’s lying,” the girl said. The girl who had tackled me. (The pink is not sexist of me. I’m running out of colors.)

“No, he’s not,” I answered her.

“Yes, he IS,” she repeated, a bit more slowly this time.

“Hush!” Count Mastoid said.

“Look here,” I said, taking charge of the situation, “if this professor was trying to kill you, it’d be dadblamery. Analysts say that not everyone is as focused on you as you are. Do you know what I’m trying to tell you? You think everything revolves around you, when, actually, it revolves around the sun.”

unknown

It made sense to me.

“Dad, I don’t believe him!” the girl said. “He was trying to kill you! Why else is he dressed like that?”

Dad? What an interest, the sudden…

And, of course, just when the professor thought I might be able to talk my way out of things, Daddy Salami and Ruber show up, banging through the front door, guns ready.

“Well, well, welly,” Salami said, looking from Count Mastoid to me. “Looks like our boy”–indicated me here, I fear–“found ya.”

Dadblameit.

PL Symbol

Off Schedule, Telling Lots of Things, Blog Meet and Greet, Cherry Moons…

Here’s the thing: the professor is horribly off schedule again.

This is a rarity.

Only happens when the moon is a cherry.

Unknown

Which, by the way, is an interest. Everyone always says the moon is like cheese…

Unknown-1

…but we’ve just proven it’s actually a cherry!

Go us. Yo.

Scientific Law: The Moon is not a Cheese, it’s a Cherry.

I’m always coming up with scientific laws, the sudden.

Anyways and some, some big news this week:

TPL is going to have a chat, or a blog meet and greet! It’s going to take place here (https://chatroll.com/tpl-official-chat-room) and start on Friday May 6th at 10 AM–professor time, which is Eastern Daylight Time.

Hope that makes sense. I think it’ll probably run about an hour or so.

Ask questions if you need some answered.

And be there! You don’t want to miss it.

Screen Shot 2016-04-28 at 9.35.43 AM

Okay…where wuth I?

Let me see, the moon is a cherry…TPL first official chat…oh, and this professor just might make a movie.

You see, lots of people think this professor is an actual professor and that he looks like this:

8702630

It’s a lie.

Until then, keep the dadblamery safe.

PVJ

Why Conor McGregor is like Tom Brady

professor speaks

Okay.

So, this professor just thought he should say a few words about it.

Not that it matters much one way or another.

But this fellow:

011316-ufc-Conor-McGregor-pi-mp.vresize.1200.675.high.25

Conor McGregor

Has something very interesting in common with this fellow:

what-s-at-stake-for-tom-brady-and-the-patriots-in-the-afc-championship-game

Tom Brady (with blurry background)

You see, both fellows bucked authority and fought the bad guys. McGregor, the UFC (Ultimate Fighting Championship) and Dana White; Brady, the NFL (National Football League) and Roger Goodell.

And this is the funny part, see.

While that looks grand and all that, here’s the thing: It’s all a setup.

In truth, that’s true

The NFL created deflategate for publicity; McGregor said he was going to retire for publicity. See, and many sees, it had nothing to do with the fact that footballs were deflated a few PSI, and it had nothing to do with not wanting to do any more press conferences.

Which means, McGregor and Brady did not buck authority.

That’s right.

They followed authority.

Like mooses in the field.

Following authority

Following authority

So, they’re alike because they follow authority not rebel against it.

What a thing.

I did not see that conclusion coming myself.

Moral: If you’re going to buck authority, don’t do it because you’re following authority. That’s just messed up. And the professor is wise to you, too.

Okay, that’s the professor’s conspiracy theory for today.

PVJ out.

How To Get Rid of Unwanted Food At Dinner

professor speaks

There was a dog running about the place.

That’s always a good thing when you’re over someone’s house at dinner.

See, if you get served something that is ugly, you can get rid of it in a hurry or two.

Or three hurries–if it’s real bad.

I bet this is set-up, this picture.

I bet this is set-up, this picture.

“You can sit here, PVJ,” she said, pulling out my chair.

I sat. Just because it’s the polite thing to do. Usually I like to feel the cushion before sitting, but I didn’t. The professor was trying to be polite, see.

#PoliteStinks

It was a puffy chair. You know, one of those dadblame things that sorta push you higher, even though you want to sit lower.

My legs were touching the bottom of the table.

This wasn’t good. There was no way to sneak food under the table to the dog in this position.

Dadblameit.

Everyone took their seats. There were about 8 people. That’s not bad. With that many people, one doesn’t need to worry about conversation, see.

I would’ve leaned back and relaxed, but my legs were sorta stuck. It was an issue, I tell you.

“Everyone seated?” she asked.

It was a silly question; an obvious question; a question that shouldn’t have been asked.

‘She’ was the hostess, see. Her husband sat next to her.

We were all served this mushy stuff. And I had to get rid of it.

I did take a taste. Now it was the dog’s turn.

The problem was this: The dog was sitting in the corner, not too far from me, but far enough.

I beckoned to him. Nothing.

“So, PVJ, how’s your work coming?”

“Good,” I answered quickly. “But it’s not worth talking about, since it happened earlier and this is later.”

It was a terse answer, but I was trying to make eye contact with the dog. I couldn’t be bothered.

There were some mutterings from the guests. But I listened not.

I motioned to the dog. Again. This time, he stood into a sitting position. (Only dogs can pull that off, you know.)

“Why are you waving at the dog?” one fellow asked.

“Oh…just saying hi to everyone is all.”

“So, PVJ…” 

Same woman as before.

“What do you do for work?”

See, women always seem to ask leading questions or fake questions. You know, it’s like they’re gearing up or getting ready to ask the big one. But they’re just not brave enough to come out and ask it.

“I’m not really sure.”

And this professor beckoned the dog again. I was trying to be discrete, but that was over as soon as the dog bounded over to me, jumped up, and buried his head into my plate.

That worked well. I wouldn’t have to eat any of it.

#ProfessorWins

“What a misbehaved dog,” I noted. “I can’t believe this mess.”

“That’s okay,” the hostess replied. “We’ve got plenty more food.”

Dadblameit. 

Why Snakes Get a Bum Rap

Now, the professor is thinking about snakes, the sudden.

And it’s all Mr. Walt Walker’s fault.

He should be blamed completely.

professor speaks

But anyways and some, snakes get a bum rap.

See, look at this beauty for example:

tumblr_inline_nd7or7AC9G1rdr1mg

Python, don’t you know. A green one, too.

This chap is just chilling, hanging out by himself, all wrapped up in a circle. Which is a neat thing. After all, it’s hard to hang out in a circle.

Now, if you make him cranky, he might do a bit of this thing:

969efd820fae19f9863554feb88f1b78

Haha! Only four teeth–poor thingy. Maybe even two…can’t tell…

Also, look at this! If the professor was a snake…this would be it…

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Then there’s this chap, hanging out in the circle (copying the python, see) and throwing his tongue about loosely:

Agkistrodon_contortrix_contortrix_CDC-a

Here’s a bad boy, who enjoys spitting:

image_1595_1e-King-cobra

And last but not least, a very old snake. Very old. Older than the professor even.

Older than...yeah.

Older than…yeah.

(If you’re interested in that chap, read this.)

So, see, then? Snakes are sweeter than cherry cigars.


TPL Schedule

Sunday: OFF — Day of Shalt Nots

Monday: TPL Story

Tuesday: OFF — Because I'm Gone

Wednesday: Professor Speaks

Thursday: OFF — Because Yes

Friday: OFF — All Day Sleep Does

Saturday: OFF — Blue-Footed Boobies Need Fed

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